Inside My Skin

I am very terrified of the push to legalize prostitution, that it is to make it almost invisible by placing it indoors.

I want to use my history, or parts of it as a warning of some the conditions of indoors prostitution. I make the choice to write because I was never an individual story, never just some very unlucky whore.

Read what I write, and know that the true horror is that I was just one of millions – that as you read millions of girls and women are trapped in similar or much worse conditions. That is the awful truth of what prostitution is.

Read what I write, and then tell it should be framed in the language of human rights, the language of the tortured.

I begun prostitution as a child.

That is a horrific norm in prostitution, the vast majority start before they are 16, many girls are as young as 8. In Western countries, the average age of entering prostitution is 12.

Think on that, think on that if you against incest, against child rape on non-prostituted children – think how child prostitution is made invisible.

I survived incest, and some sexual fumbling by strangers. These are things that are said to bad. This is abuse of a child, a child who allow some innocence – a child that has been wronged.

But, when I was named a prostitute, I suddenly was no longer a child.

I was responsible for whatever happened to me, I was always up for sex that was my nature. I had no innocence, no naivety, no childish thoughts.

I was a whore – whether I knew it or not – and whores are dirt whatever their age.

I was 14. Write it again – I was 14. I was a child.

I deserved love. I deserved being able to find my own path. I deserved to discover sex with people of my age. God, I needed to make mistakes.

A prostituted girl does not have the luxury of making mistakes – not without the threat of raping, of sexual torture and the terror of being made to disappear.

No wonder the vast prostituted girls cut away the child inside of themselves – they are terrified to know her terror and utter confusion.

But what really anger me, is not a hardened prostitute for that is pure survival – but a society that lets the sex trade make a fortune on the raping of children, and allows those children to disappear into prostitution as adults.

Please know that most adult prostitute may have begun started under-aged, and most were brainwashed to accept the unacceptable by violence, threats and degradation.

To survive prostitution is important not to remember too much, and not to think of a future.

Living in the moment is the only way to survive the worse of indoors prostitution.

Now if you think the worse is just some bad sex, or smelly johns, or having your pay stolen – than would have been the less of my and millions of prostituted women’s problems.

No the worse is sexual torture, the worse is being forced into the most terrifying aspects of the sex trade, the worse is never knowing how some rich john will own you and never knowing what he capable of.

Indoors prostitution gives johns the right to own the prostitute in complete privacy. He given the right to time and space to do whatever he wants to the prostitute – as long as his money lasts.

If you can imagine any hard-core porn, especially the porn that seems too painful for any human body, that may be a fiction to you. All that is done in indoors prostitution on a regular basis.

Recently gonzo has been discovered – even through it not new, but ancient.

Suddenly there is concern of double/triple penetration, of  being deep-throated to make the woman sick, of pushing women’s head in toilets as anally raping. God, it might be happening to non-prostituted women, so there is now an awareness.

That form of sexual torturing has always been done to an underclass of women and girls named as prostitutes. The ancient Greeks torture prostitutes, Charles II’s court torture prostitutes, dandys  in Georgian towns sought out prostitutes to torture – it is not new.

It is just hidden from history because most of the torturing of prostitutes was indoors, and made her choice, made that she wanted it – history was written by the sex trade, not the prostituted.

I have known more forms of sexual torture than my mind can allow in.

I know that every I see or hear hard-porn, however briefly, I get the deadness of a robot that know how not to feel but can perform it.

I have known gang-rapes where it so slow, each man watching other men performing as if starring in their private porn film. I have known that sometimes it was filmed, as I had my body posed, and all injuries or blood made invisible.

I have had my face pushed into water, a bath, a toilet, a basin, as anal rape was killing me.

I have known anal rape with my legs forced together, as I stand forced into a wall, hand round my throat.

I have been fucked in every hole in my body, I been fucked in places where no hand, mouth or penis can fit.

I have known many penises going in my vagina, in my anus, and down my throat. Maybe double or triple penetration, I was losing consciousness for several times.

I have hit in the stomach or back in order for the john to fuck me quicker.

I have fucked over and over and over, until my vagina or anus losing all feelings and all hope.

That is indoors prostitution – that is what is kept well hidden. That is what is destroying millions of wonderful prostituted women and girls.

So, it not a politics of choice, not a politics of making it slightly safer. It must be the of giving prostituted women and girls full human rights.

The right to complete safety – which would mean no man can buy and sell as a sex object where any sexual is done to her. She must be fully safe from threat of rape, threat of violence – from battering, from sexual torture, from murder or “games” that almost kill her.

The prostitute will never be safe if the sex trade just carries on as normal, if it pushed indoors the violence will continue but will go unseen.

Indoors prostitution is highly dangerous to the prostituted women and girls, for there a closing down of the outside world, and it almost for to get real help.

It is a sick joke of the propaganda of the sex trade that indoors prostitution will safer be for the prostitute.

It will safer for johns to be as sadist as they like, without fear of arrest or even interference. And it is more profitable for the sex trade.

Please fight hard to say why indoors prostitution is so dangerous – put the prostitute before johns and the sex trade.

Please stop the violence being made invisible.

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