On Being a Porn-Toy

I have written all over this blog that being prostituted is being made into a living porn-toy. I want to write here the meaning of that, the meaning to the destruction of my essence, the meaning to survive that.

I know porn is made trendy, is made harmless by hiding it real face.

I walk down any street and see porn wrapped up in pretty bows – in clothes, in ads, part of comedy films.

This porn made safe and easy to avoid, it is little or nothing to do with the harsh reality.

I speak from the middle of porn, the place that is never safe, never easy, never seemed to have an end.

But is always tidied away from the public gaze, or made to appear enjoyable or “just acting”.

When I think porn, I feel death creeping into my soul, I am sick without being sick, I want to scream but remain calm.

Porn took me over, rip out my ability to remain human, I remain alive but wanted to be murdered.

That is to be in the middle of porn.

Being prostituted is to repeat over and over and over whatever porn fantasy the john has, whatever porn scenario the profiteers have made you into.

Prostitution is acting, acting to stay alive, acting to appear happy when in pain or disgusted, acting like you give a damn whilst imaging suicide.

The best prostitute-actor will make herself a porn-toy.

I cried all this week when I had flashbacks.

Not of the violence, not remembering their hate – but flashbacks of me soothing the johns’ ego, saying they were great.

Flashbacks of my endless smiling. Smiling as I refused to know my injuries, refused that I could be in agony.

Smiling as I would not know rape, not know battering, not know hate in words of whore, you know you love it.

As a porn-toy, I sure as hell knew how to smile. As I was being destroyed cell by cell, I smiled.

Men buy prostitutes and remember that smile.

It hides rapes, it hides blood, it hides torture – it can even hide her dead body.

For most men who fuck a prostitute she may as well be a blow-up doll with a smile – she cannot know as a human.

She is a porn-toy after all.

So don’t go on about that porn is harm-free.

Harm-free to who. Maybe to the profiteers who laugh as it destroys everyone else that it touches.

As a whore, who was made into porn for johns, I would say those men were harmed by porn.

They viewed the buying of a prostitute as sex. It is not, it the ownership of the prostitute for power and control.

She is not there for sex, but to be his porn property. She will do whatever he has seen or read in porn.

Unlike real women, she does not feel pain, cannot be degraded, will not say no – if she does, there will be plenty more whores he can buy.

For porn has taught him, that the class of women and girls named whores are always on tap for whatever his porn wants are.

It slowly destroyed his understanding that sex is about communication, respect and the ability to hear no. He loses his ability to be fully human.

I do not write out of sympathy, for most porn-fuelled johns are capable of extreme violence and hate.

Most would be considered criminals if they were acting their porn fantasies on the “good” women – but get off scot-free when with prostitutes.

I just say porn destroys men as well.

But the utter destruction is done to the woman or girl who made into the porn-toy for their sexual wants.

She has her body ripped apart, she is brainwashed to believe she enjoys or it is because she so disgusting she deserves it, she is made into nothing but holes to be fucked.

She is made nothing – for a hole is nothing but what fills it.

The prostitute is whatever the sex trade or johns decides she is. She can be high-class and then throw into the dirt. She can the street-whore, who can throw into the ground or out of a car.

She is nothing – but somehow she clings holds of life.

The thing that stops the porn from completely destroying her, is the part that clings to life, that imagine there is more to life than being a porn-toy – the part no john, no profiteer and not the sex trade can destroy.

The part that proves she is a full human – with a strength and will to find life outside porn somehow.

Many women and girls do not escape being a porn-toy.

We must grieve and remember them every day – for they were strong, good and brilliant, but porn destroyed them.

But, the ones that did managed to exit and have the ability to speak out must be heard. Not dismiss, not told it too disturbing to listen to, not told what words to use.

No, listen and learn how prostitution is embedded with porn, how they feed off each other.

Know the “actors” in most hard-core porn come from prostitution. From a place, where they no rights to say no, no rights to feel pain, no rights to show fear, no rights to have safe sex, no rights to not do sexual acts that are sexual torture.

That is being a porn-toy, that is what makes hard-core porn.

Porn wants prostitutes – for they will smile when in pain, smile when seriously injured, can repeat fake orgasms on demand, will pose for the money shots even when it destroying them.

That is being a porn-toy.

Porn nearly murdered me, but somehow I survived.

And being alive and remembering – I now will speak out to destroy porn.

I will not live in a world where men can buy women and girls to make into porn-toys.

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2 responses to “On Being a Porn-Toy

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