I am deep grief at the moment – for a few months now.
This post is a stream of consciousness of the strength of my grief, and how it is a strong part of me that will bring about real change.
1. I grieve that I lost my childhood.
2. I grieve that I did not know how to be a teenager – I had no time or safety to have angst, I could not rebel without terror wiping it out.
3. I grieve for all women and girls I saw in hard-core porn. I saw that their pain was real, I saw that their fear was real terror.
4. I grieve for the smiling in those images – for I came to be inside that smile.
5. I grieve that I was numb to being alive before I was inside the sex trade.
6. I grieve that the profiteers make their money through girls and women who were dead like me.
7. I grieve that the men who buy us, look at us in club, view us in photos and films – see that deadness, and just didn’t care, or it is part of the thrill.
8. I grieve that society turn a blind eye on our deadness.
9. I grieve that violence is the norm is all aspects of the sex trade – no matter if done for sweets or thousands of pounds.
10. I grieve that so many artificial divisions are made to make that violence invisible.
11. I grieve that the same under-aged prostituted girl who is seen as shocking and sad, is suddenly made empowered by hitting 16 or 18. Suddenly the adult prostitute is made invisible.
12. I grieve that most internal trafficking is made into free choice or just some kind of bad luck.
13. I grieve that too many make external trafficking for male sexual wants and greed, is just a question of logistics and economics – hell, it just part of some free market.
14. I grieve that just coz a woman gets lots of money, that it is assumed she will never be raped, never battered, never made into a porn-toy – and never murdered.
15. I grieve that men can pay young girls in sweets, or just the illusion of affection.
16. I grieve that even when it may to be chosen – when no woman or girl can control if the profiteer or buyer will use violence, will degrade her, will take her image in private only to make profit in public, will use her and then throw her away.
17. I grieve that these divisions are made to make too many women and girls in the sex trade not count as full human being.
18. I grieve that indoors prostitution is made out to be safe, the “perfect” way for men to buy women and girls without having messy emotions like guilt and shame.
19. I grieve that behind closed doors prostituted women and girls are beaten, are sexually tortured, are made to smile endlessly – and are more often than not are living with the terror of being killed.
20. I grieve that with the illusions of security, of having condoms, of cameras, of alarms, of managers saying they put their girls’ welfare first – that the authorities and too many of the public are conned into believing indoors prostitution is a good thing.
21. I grieve that I know how fast you can rape a woman or girl in the sex trade, how fast you can murder her – she is never safe from that, until men stop buying and selling for sexual wants.
22. I grieve that lap-dancing is entertainment, without thinking what it does to the woman doing it. She is made sub-human.
23. I grieve that all the time the no-touch policy is ripped to shreds, as men reach into the women’s cunts.
24. I grieve that so many women working in clubs only earn a livable wage by doing extras – be that hard-core shows or being prostituted out to special business clients.
25. I grieve that women who protest against the sex trade taking over our culture and controlling the media – are ridicule, made out to be prudes, said to not understand it all about freedom of speech.
26. I grieve that those who speak of freedom of speech are just giving to those who profit from the sex trade, those who already have the power and control – never to the women and girls that are being destroyed by the sex trade.
27. I grieve as I know the silence and silencing of the prostituted who has fucked, beaten, tortured until she has no physical or mental strength to have speech.
28. I grieve as I know the silence and silencing of being made a hard-core porn-toy. I know the silence of having of being sexually tortured and it having that made into public property.
29. I grieve that the only voice of far too many women and girls in the sex trade is an endless silent screaming.
30. I grieve that the sex trade is committing genocide – but this is made invisible by replacing the murdered, those who killed themselves, those who were too ill by diseases got from being in the sex trade, those too injured to continue, those whose mental health was destroyed by the sex trade, those made to be hooked on drugs – they just replaced with fresh goods.
31. I grieve beyond tears that most women who died in the sex trade are never heard of in the media or even the local community. They were made sub-humans in life, in death they are made into nothing.
32. I grieve that language is taken over by the sex trade.
33. I grieve how it said to a matter of free choice – making invisible the mental and economics factors that drive women and girls into the sex trade. It just an individual choice – she is never influenced by society, I forget she is an outsider.
34. I grieve how it made just another hard job. It is not work – it is a form of slavery, until the women and girls in the sex trade have full human rights and the ability to be a full human, it will never be a job.
35. I grieve that it never real sentences for selling women and girls on mass to be sexually tortured and thrown away.
36. I grieve that the majority of hard-core porn producers have no fear of punishment, only they will get richer and richer.
37. I grieve that men that buy women and girls are rarely done for rape or extreme physical harm – they are just made to feel guilt-free. Usually all they get is a fine or short-term sentence.
38. I grieve that so many women make excuses for men using the sex trade. It not as bad as a “real” affair, at least he doesn’t give a shit about the prostituted woman.
39. I grieve that so many make the choice to believe that existence of prostitution and porn means that rapes is less. So, the women and girls that are continually raped inside the sex trade don’t count – they just have to put up with it for the greater good.
40. I grieve that some believe men are so weak and unable to have self-control, that they must always have easy access to fuckable goods or they will have a rage that would destroy all the women and girls outside the sex trade.
41. I grieve that it is ok to make jokes about the sex trade, jokes making the woman or girl sub-human, jokes making it seems normal that men sell and buy women and girls, jokes placing the whore on a pedestal but only if she remains sub-human.
42. I grieve that so many of my entertainments are corrupted by the sex trade. Turn on the TV, the whore is everywhere, usually either the murdered prostitute or the happy hooker. Escape to football, and the ads have the whore image. Walk to town, and the whore image is on ads everywhere.
43. I grieve that the buying and selling of women is made so easy – it a click away.
44. I grieve that the violence and degradation that is the foundation of the sex trade is everywhere and made nowhere. It may on your street, a house near you – it may be your neighbour. The best trick the sex trade did was to hide itself away in plain view.
45. I grieve that if women are lucky enough to exit the sex trade, they are usually left with trauma so extreme from the thousands of rapes, thousands of battery’s, thousands of times language was used to make them sub-human, the memory of having no exit. Trauma that may fade, but is unlikely to ever leave.
46. I grieve that there is rarely specialist support for exited women – they are just meant to cope.
47. I grieve that the conditions and welfare of women and girls in the sex trade is often pushed aside for more important issues by some of the left and feminism.
48. I grieve that the horrors I have known has destroyed my memory, leaving me with fragmented memory – I hate that it has destroyed the good memories so much.
49. I grieve that it leaves so many exited women with illness, physical pain and flashbacks that crash into their daily lives and their strong will to make a wonderful life that they so deserve.
50. I grieve with every cell in my body that the sex trade still exists – and is still making women and girls sub-humans.