I am sick with frustration, or maybe grief and fury. Whatever, it is eating at my essence cell by cell
Here is some of what is slowly killing me in no particular order.
1. Being told I was weak, stupid or mentally ill for I never stop the violence from johns and profiteers going on and on and on. Why did I not fight back – they would have. Why didn’t I just walk out – they would have.
2. Being told it was not sexual torture. How can it have been, when I was there willingly. I must just have a sick imagination to framed an equal exchange as torture.
3. Being made to speak in the language of rape and domestic violence, when it feels alien from my experiences. I speak in the language of human rights, of torture, of multiple abuse, the language of the enslaved.
4. Being told I was a sex worker – when it never sex and never work, but slavery.
5. Being told not to be too graphic – but hearing graphic descriptions of rapes of non-prostituted women and girls, seeing and hearing graphic torturing of animals – but please don’t say anything to frighten the horses about the hell of indoors prostitution.
6. Hearing for so many years – if it was so bad, how comes you are alive – not a suicide statistic or another murdered whore.
7. Knowing that most deaths of prostituted women and girls are not reported or even noticed – for it can’t be news, if it such a common event.
8. Knowing it was true what johns and profiteers said to me over and over and over. They could murder me at any time – for no-one gives a shit about yet another dead whore.
9. Being asked questions about sexual performance – when I know nothing but how to blank out pain, how to fake pleasure, how to obey the porn rules – how to stay alive when death is so welcoming.
10. Being that I must hate all men – when I just hate the men who make the choice to buy and sell women and girls for sexual wants. When I only hate men who make the choice to be violence to women and girls, and the choice to invent a class of prostituted women and girls to make sub-humans.
11. Being told I should understand and feel sorry for johns. Why should the tortured ever be made to understand their torturer. Why do I have to understand mass rape.
12. I say johns choose to torture, choose to rape, choose to place terror in each and every whore they meet – and others say what about the nice ones, it can’t have been all bad.
13. Then I say the nice ones were the worse – for it was mental torture. In their “niceness”, it appears to be chatting, to be less sexual violence – but always I was fucked, I was still just holes to be plugged, hands to make them feel like a king. If they were so bloody nice, why were they buying a prostitute and being part of a structure that was destroying women and girls world-wide.
14. Being told that what happened to me must have been illegal, like that has any relevance. Legal or illegal, prostitution is always an open market for sadistic sex, for internal and external trafficking, for under-aged girls, for any racist hate, for access to producing cheap sadistic porn, for exploiting any and everything that makes women and girls vulnerable – all that matters is that is profitable.
15. To make that profit, prostitution must always be easily accessible to as many johns as possible. So prostitution is never truly underground, it just hidden from non-johns and those outside the sex trade. In other words, those who make a conscious decision to ignore all the violence and degradation of prostitution – so they can paint it as fun and empowering part of the leisure culture.
16. So, I told it does not matter that images of prostitution infiltrates all media and leisure activities. That TV is full of murdered whores, or happy hookers or whores who has wisdom beyond Einstein. That films have tarts with hearts of gold, whores saved by Richard Gere, and more murdered whores. That male novels have so much rite of passage of white young men getting their virginity taken by some kindly whore. That male painting have the whore as threat or some great fuck. That ads have “normal” women dressed like whores to sell any and everything – buy our goods, and all women will be your porn-toy.
17. And I am told to get over it – just images, just fiction, no harm meant. When all those ads, paintings, novels, films, and TV programmes are more salt inside my trauma.
18. I am told off if I tell sick jokes about prostitution – when every time I laugh at the pain and horror that is inside of me, I am getting my power and essence back. I believe to laugh at hell, is to say you no longer afraid. Laughter is life.
19. I hear debates and pleas that prostitution would ok, if only it was made feminist. It can never be feminist to have a class of women and girls who only role is to brought and sold as fuck-objects. Don’t care if the managers are women, whether it is an independent co-op, whether the johns may be women – it still about power and control over the prostituted class. It still will be sex against the will of the prostituted – for it still comes down to profit. It cannot be made feminist.
20. I hear and I am told that women managers must be kinder and more understanding. Dream on, all managers in prostitution just care about profit and having an endless supply of “girls” to be fuck-goods for their “clients”. Women and male managers use and use up the prostituted in the same way – only outsiders choose to believe females must be kind.
21. I listen to debates about the evils of capitalism – and always the sex trade is let off the hook. Place inside the nice words of empowerment, free choice and liberating – all the greed, the wastage of millions of women and girls, the sexual torturing and the hate is hidden. The sex trade is capitalism at it’s most savage and uncaring – but so often men on the Left say it just fun and no-one would in unless they want to.
22. I say men from the Left, men from the Right, religious men, atheist men, male student, businessmen, unemployed men, men of all cultures – lets say, most men everywhere don’t see any harm or problem with prostitution – why would they, it for their advantage to have easy access to a porn-toy wherever and whenever they want.
23. I open my mouth to speak some of the violence that those men put into me, put into women I loved, women who me told their truths, women who cannot speak now for their voices were stolen by death or too much mental pain – and it dismissed as just individual stories. That our truths cannot be proven, that we are too mentally damaged to be believed. Even as our voices are clear and stick to same truths over and over – we are silenced.
24. Always having our lives explain by academics, put into statistics to fit preconceived opinions, having documentaries made to frame us as convenient victims or empowered – all “facts” round prostitution are framed with as few words from exited women as possible. When our words could lead and teach a greater understanding male violence, how some men really hate females and how they lie to the non-prostituted about that. But we are ignored and dismissed as damaged goods.
25. To end, my endless frustration – there is the classic, there no point in wanting abolition, for prostitution is inevitable. Fuck that, so racism is ok then, so murder just coz you want to is ok then, so we mustn’t struggle to end poverty, war will always be with us. Prostitution is never acceptable – unless you don’t care about sexual torturing, don’t give a damn about mass rapes, that women and girls are nothing but holes to fucked until wore out. If you can justify prostitution – you are more than likely ignoring the extreme violation of human rights that is the bedrock of all prostitution.