I write this blog not to heal myself.
All I can say, it the worse “healing” method I have ever come across, seeing as it makes me very sick and frustrated.
Also, often when others go on about my individual healing, it is to avoid that blog is just using my individual history as an example, and that I keep the vast majority of my experiences away from this blog.
Call it healing, and that becomes a convenient way to avoid that this is a political blog, not a diary or even a misery piece of writing.
My individual experiences are just an example of the sexual torturing that is the day-to-day norm for the vast majority of prostituted women and girls that are indoors.
My individual sexual torturing is just an example of the treatment of prostituted women and girls for most of known history.
I never think or believe that I am unique, or any less or more damaged or strong than any other exited woman.
I write because I am one of millions, most of whom have been voiceless.
I write to be one voice for the many voiceless.
It is nothing to do with healing.
Let me be frank, I do not believe that people who have survived multiple torturing for many years ever completely recover.
Instead, they learn to live another life with the shadow of trauma as a continual companion.
This does not mean that they are outwardly traumatised the vast majority of the time.
No, most of the time their daily lives are fine and often full of joy, and feeling of great purpose.
Many exited prostituted women have touch death many times – that make loving life wonderful.
Every day is a bonus, so we often appreciate the luxury of the safety to have boredom. We love the freedom to have routine under our control.
I do not need to live in interesting times – that was my past.
No, you do not heal from the extreme torture that is prostitution.
That is why this blog serve a purpose.
It speak to trauma, not trying to wrap it wrapping paper and putting a pink bow on it. Not making trauma small, in order not to unset and unsettled the non-prostituted.
No, it is a political act for this blog to scream what is done to the long-term prostituted.
Say the physical torturing.
Say the shadow of trauma is the body of hitting, smashing heads into walls, the weapons into cunts, the strangling, the endless invention of porn ways to smash-up the whore’s body.
The trauma is not that pain – the trauma is not knowing how many times it happened, so many times it was just a routine.
The trauma is not the pain – the trauma is that even decades later there is still numbness or deadness when attempting to remember or even say to others.
That the shadow we live with.
Say the mental torturing.
Say how so-called nice guys would speak of what they would do if they were so decent, speaking of murdering whores, speaking of some porn torture they could be doing. Say how it was torture for guys to act as they saw you, then throw back into being trash. The torture of always having to stay alert, never be vulnerable.
The trauma is not just remembering – the trauma is never knowing if we were trash or not.
The trauma is not just remembering – the trauma is never knowing how to kill that role of being fuck-goods.
That is the shadow we live with.
Say the endless sexual torturing.
Say that to be a prostitute is to sexually tortured until no feeling can exist, until remembering what it to be fully human is a vague memory, until the only way to somehow have the will to live is to imagine that being fuck-goods is your only role.
The trauma is never shame – the trauma is having every hole, every centimetre on your body, every part that should only belong to you, invaded, conquered and shit on just so men can have an orgasm or get a profit off you.
The trauma is never shame – it is never knowing how regain the freedom to own your sexuality, without feeling pollution of the endless rapes, endless degradations and endless being made into porn for others.
That is the shadow we live with.
So, stop speaking of healing to me.
Healing will only come with justice.
Justice that means no man can buy and sell prostituted women and girls – not when the consequences are so destructive.
Without justice – healing individual prostituted women does little to end the sex trade.
I will carry on writing this blog, even with all the pain it brings.
For I know this blog is part of the long fight for real justice for prostituted women and girls.