Dragging Life Back Into My Self

I have no idea how I survived being prostituted – all I know is that I did.

I did more than just surviving, I came away with relatively few internal injuries, I somehow dodged too many STDs and pregnancies, I somehow kept much of my sanity, and I keep the ability to make permanent friends.

I know that I was and am one of the lucky ones. God, I bloody grateful for that – but furious that so many other great women and girls were trashed by the sex trade.

I am not just furious – it is the scream that makes me push this blog into depths that terrify me and send me in severe trauma.

I write not just for me, but for all the women and girls made voiceless by the tortures of the sex trade.

I can never be them, never get their minds and bodies fully fixed, never know what hells they have known.

All I can strive to do is to fight for justice – fight when trauma and exhaustion is killing me, fight when all my words are made to be lies and ridiculed, fight when even my supporters will not hear and listen –  fight to my end for justice for all women and girls in the sex trade.

It is all I can do – it my way to force life back into my mind and body.

I should be dead – there are so many ways the users and profiteers try to kill me. It may hurt, but a small list, will shows why I fight to the death for justice.

I fight not for my past self, that can never be re-written only known – I fight because my history is just a tiny example of the everyday tortures that is the foundations of the profits of the sex trade.

It is not torture – just using a commodity to make mass profit. There is no human side to how prostitutes are used – not to the profiteers and their consumers.

To get real justice, we must force out the human level of what it is to be prostituted. I do that as much I can for those in indoors prostitution, for those prostituted women and girls who did not take drugs or not much, did not come at from poverty, thought they had chosen to be prostituted – I want justice for all prostituted women and girls, not just the ones that fit easy stereotypes.

Where do I start with the many ways men invented to put me to the edge of death.

I could start the life and death “games” some johns did to me.

There was regular strangling – this meant strangling whilst fucking me, hands round my neck whilst hitting in the stomach or smashing my head into a wall, being strangled whilst getting anally raped.

This was meant to be a laugh, but if I stopped breathing or had the nerve to faint – I had to face their anger or just had it was repeated over and over and over.

There was stories I was told of how they would kill a whore, this would be how they do. Stories repeated from hard-core porn or just some police series on TV. Stories of cutting up whore’s bodies, always with sadistic raping as added bonus. Stories of throwing them out of moving cars. Stories of where to get rid of the body.

I heard and had to smile, I heard and had to get fucked by that same man.

I try not to listen, but those stories became my living nightmares, became so real I taught myself never to go much into deep sleep.

How can any prostitute live with those stories, when part of her existence, is living with death always round the corner. Knowing that prostitutes disappear every day, makes all john’s stories of murdering whores are never fiction to the prostitute force to listen to his crap.

I was not murdered – but I live in an environment where murder was our background noise.

In that environment, I choose to survive by destroying all life in my body – I would be a commodity, then maybe I would not be worth murdering.

There were the men who “accidentally” almost killed me.

Let be frank about this, to put a prostitute at the point of death, the john must be a sadistic bastard, so it is no accident if she is nearly dead.

Take this john, this john who I will never know how I survived.

Not as he strangled me, whilst fisting my vagina, whilst fucking my anus and placing a pillow on my face. I lived, but by christ, he try his damnedest to murder me.

Take another john, who on a regular basis, would smashed me into a wall, forcing my legs together, then rammed his penis up my anus – making me faint from small heart attacks, and sometimes bleeds for day later.

Take one of my manager.

Who raped in the mouth, in the anus and in the vagina – leaving me battered and having to have an abortion.

Take the regular gang-rapes.

The rapes where I had idea I had so many holes that could be damaged, that you could still be alive when there no space to breathe, that men could have so much hate and imagination how to send me into hell.

Don’t tell me that if I had died in any of those events, it would of been an accident.

No, give me justice by making that every sadistic john is in jail for a very long time – and all the profiteers that supply those johns are in jail for encouraging torture and murder.

I can never forget what I endured – but justice would be a way of discovering a place of rest. And would show all women and girls in the sex trade, that we are part of society, not see them not just as something that is disposable.

I am forcing life back into my self.

I just ask that you place the lives of all women and girls as the centre of the war to end violence against women and girls.

If you abandon the whore-class – then I must ask you what the hell is the point of saying you want to end male violence.

Whores cannot be sacrifice just so other women and girls have the illusion of being safe.

We cannot live in a world that says having a whore-class prevents real rape, having hard-core porn stops men hurting real women and girls – a world that said that women and girls in the sex trade are just there so men can rape, batter, torture and murder without any guilt or consequences.

If we have that, then all refuges, all rape prevention and all ways to make the “real” women and girls feel secure are a waste of time.

Whilst the whore-class is getting destroyed, then all women and girls can never be safe.

So, stop using the whore-class as an afterthought, as just examples of the far end of  male violence, as a group who are conveniently ignored.

There is a genocide of women and girls in the sex trade – but the profiteers make it invisible by replacing the goods.

Please fight for real justice for all women and girls in the sex trade – it is the least you can do.

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