When others speak of how prostitutes say they are happy – so that makes it ok then.
I say of course they say they are happy, say that they love what they do, say how dare you condemn me.
The prostituted woman or girl is lying to survive.
I said all those words and more.
As I spoke then, I could hardly hear what I was saying over and over and over.
Only it was a mantra – if I say I am happy, then I will be happy. If I say it what I choose to do, then all the bad crap will go away.
And if I force others away by telling them not to see my reality, say don’t judge me even as I close to death – no just turn away coz I don’t your help.
I had to believe my mantra.
The truth was too unbearable.
The truth that I was trapped; the truth that every rape, every sadistic sexual act, every verbal abuse was meant and often pre-planned; the truth that the men that brought and sold me never saw I was human – just goods, just holes, just hands, just an open mouth, just a piece of meat – nothing but a common whore whatever posh flat or hotel I was in.
The pain was too unbearable.
The pain of never knowing which part of my body was going to made into living porn, into a war-zone; the pain of having a headache from the moment my eyes open till I slept out of sheer exhaustion, the headache of my mind never accepting that I should exist in this world; the pain of never knowing if my body was ripped, what diseases I may get, having to get used to abortions and going back to same as ever.
The grief was too unbearable.
The grief of not being able to imagine a life outside men using my body as their porn-toy; the grief of not having a childhood or knowing how to be a teenager, not knowing angst, not being able to fall in and out of love, not remembering I could be self-obsessed when I was always just a sex role for others; the grief of that I had forgotten that I could feel emotion, forgotten how to cry, only laugh coz I had act happy for pimps and punters.
I acted happy so well, that of course I came to believe that I was happy.
As I sat in hell, I was laughing, I was acting tough, I was thinking I had some degree of power, I was believing I just loved violent sex, that was just who I was.
I was typical – so as you say the prostituted say that they are happy – I say see beyond their word, see the human – look at their whole life, not the small moment of prostitution.
Look into her eyes – see if any life remains there, or just the deadness of knowing too much, of knowing hope is always trashed. Look at her eyes – and then say she is happy.
Of course, any prostitute will say she is happy, but she is lying to survive.
Many punters demand that his prostitute is happy, his prostitute wants to be there, his prostitute wants and often need violent sex.
It the prostitute’s role not to break that delusion.
Smiling is the most painful and grief-stricken aspect of being a prostitute.
It not just smiling as you are continually raped, and continually having your body made into battleground – it is smiling as the punter verbally abuses you, it is smiling as he read or shows you hard-core porn, it is smiling in public as he makes you his pretend girlfriend.
Smiling hides the sickness, hides the violence, hides the hate – smiling paints the veneer that it just entertainment and harm-free.
Smiling makes ignorant outsiders thinks prostitution is a choice and just fun.
Smiling is destroying millions of prostituted women and girls.
I had to learn to not smile – and go into the world of saying no.
No to being raped, and no to it doesn’t count for whores don’t get raped.
No to that prostitutes enjoy sadistic sex – more that there no escape from men demanding more and more whores to be sexually torture, no escape from the sex trade making most of its profit from creating that market.
No to saying whores have a high pain threshold – we feel the same as any other women, only when there no hope, no exit, no belief the we are full humans – whores learn very quickly to deaden all the pain.
No to whores just get what they deserved – deserved to raped in the thousands, deserved to be use like some kind of experiment for men to sexually tortured, deserved to move around all aspects of the sex trade till they forget they are human.
No to it will always be with us so what the point of changing anything – just lets say men have the right to the whore-class so they can rape, make women and girls into goods, can be allowed have hate to women and girls without any consequences or punishment.
I say no to all of prostitution.
I can no longer pretend to drag out the few happy moments – so others cannot see that all of prostitution is built on violence and hated of women and girls.
I cannot lie any more – just so others can keep the status quo.