I wish to write about the grooming that turned me into nothing but sexual goods. This is entering a world of mental violence combine with sexual and physical violence.
But the most important factor is the mental violence. For without being broken down mentally, no one would able to survive the sex trade.
To be “good” inside prostitution, as an example, it is important to lose self-esteem, to be so dead inside that nothing can matter. A good prostitute is nothing but the role that the profiteers and punters want her to be.
She must have no reality outside of their porn-dreams.
I was broken down to be that dead inside.
But then, like so many who are trapped by the sex trade, I was dead before the profiteers caught me.
I was tested to see if I would make a suitable whore, a suitable vessel for penises, objects and hands to fill – I was placed into what was considered to be the worse, and if I didn’t protest, didn’t cry, didn’t go to the police and didn’t die – then I was ideal material to be prostituted.
My hell was to have a long queue of punters lined up to gang-rape me for round six hours. It was no just penis-in-vagina fucking – it was fists, teeth, objects, anal, being strangled, choked by oral, smashing my head into the wall, being tied up.
It was basically all the hardcore porn dreams punters carry being given free rein.
I am remembering it relatively clearly now, but only for the last five years. I was 14 when that happened, now I am 48 – my mind closed that torture down for so long.
I had flashes, I had sickness and I had terror – but it taken round 30 years to have the inner strength to know that first night. Now, I know it, I can finally grieve for that lost 14-year-old.
I left that night with all concept of self-worth thrown into the gutter, I left and know I was living fuck-holes.
That is the grooming of the sex trade, when they decide that they will turn women and girls into goods to be used sadistically. That is the vast majority of the sex trade.
It is the concept that if the woman or girl does and can survive what appears the worse, then she will do any and everything else that the profiteer demands from her.
It sure as hell worked with me – after that first night, I stopped caring, then nothing can matter.
I just try beyond reason to stay alive – when living was ridiculous when all I known was degradation, pain and hate.
It was almost like a small rebel was getting vengeance by not dying.
I would not cry, I would not show I was in pain, I refuse to show my inner terror, I hide my injuries if I could – I would let the profiteers and punters know they had won by making me a victim.
No, I made myself as hard as granite – I throw away any weak emotions, anything that reminded me that I could matter.
I had to be whatever punters demanded – I could not know I existed.
I became the whore that smiled, the whore who praised punters as they tortured me, I heard myself bigging up getting paid for sex – I became the voice and action of someone who a symbol of my destruction.
That was survival – but it hell remembering who I had to be.
Now, I heard so-called happy hookers and deep grief hits me.
I did exit – but remembering the middle of that hell matters.
It must be remembered the utter deadness that mean I, or all other women in similar situations, can become a body that raped in the thousands, that is beaten till it become nothing, is constantly used as a lab rat to see if hardcore porn can more than just fantasy.
That is seen as the “job” of women inside the sex trade – to be there so men have free rein for all their dark concepts of how to really hurt women, that it acceptable to used so-called sex to damage, injure, degrade and murder women.
That is why men invented the prostituted class – to hate, degrade and murder, but not to be punished or made to have shame. Heck, men invented the prostituted class to know they can do all that, and more than just get away with it, but to be seen as heroes.
There is no space for the prostituted class to have self-respect, to have human rights or to have a voice. Not when she is nothing but holes fucked into silence.
All that is left to the prostituted class is to know nothing can matter.
We must destroy the sex trade root and branch – make it nothing but dust – so it can no longer matter.
Then slowly the prostituted class can and will regain their dignity and that they matter so bloody much.