Without Hope, What Are We

THIS POST IS WRITTEN WITH ALL MY AMAZING EXITED FRIENDS DEEP IN MY HEART

I have incredible sadness today, the sadness from the centre of lost hope.

The centre of what it really was to be trapped inside the sex trade, the place that hope appears a million miles away.

For the last 14 hours, I have touched that place.

I dig deep into that place, I find hope never left, it just was terrified to show too much life.

But hope can never truly leave – for then that would death.

I do not know how I can write that – with my logical mind I know that it is a fact; but my gut, my bleeding heart – there is the opposite.

Saying hope was a con, was a betrayal – hope was slowly killing me as I saw no exit from a living hell.

How can I speak of a fight for hope for the prostituted – when I lived a time where all hope was stolen from me?

I know the easy answer, that I and so many other wonderful exited women in the end discover hope was a real solid thing – not some trick to keep us trapped.

I know that – but I also cannot forget the middle of having no hope, the middle when all that hope was a con to make us forget for a short while, we were nothing but a sex object.

I know the time when hope had been destroyed so much, that we the prostituted lost who we were.

For what can a human be if they know no hope.

I know that middle where nothing can matter, nothing can have any impact.

Being alive is a matter of going through the motions – a time where being alive is just huge sick joke.

That is living without hope. That is the environment that far too many prostituted women and girls endured – as too much of the world turns a blind eye or imagine the prostituted must be happy.

How can any prostitute believe in hope, when her reality is to a machine for men to rape?

How can any prostitute believe in hope, when any time her manager/pimp can move away from all she knows and more than likely into increased violence?

How can any prostitute believe in hope, when she is surrounded by other prostitutes disappearing and everyone acting as if they never existed?

What is hope in that environment?

I suppose I write this scream of despair – to say if you are fighting and campaigning to end prostitution, than you are the hope for those who feel they have been abandoned.

Every time you believe the word of a prostituted woman, every time you sign a petition for real change in the sex trade, every time you refuse the term sex work, every time you speak up for the prostituted, every time you to change laws, every time you work with prostituted women living with trauma – you are a massive part of giving back hope to women and girls who had forgotten it existed.

In our despair – you can be a small guiding light.

A light to find our own inner spirit to find hope never really left – just the hate and terror was too strong for hope to raise it head up.

Show us the way to hope, and so fast many prostituted will know their own dignity and find their own paths to full exiting.

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6 responses to “Without Hope, What Are We

  1. Pingback: Que sommes-nous, sans espoir ? « A dire d'elles

  2. What an insightful article (yours always are). The issue of hope is something I’ve dealt with in my own past and which still rears its head occasionally, but its place in your past is something different again. With you perhaps hope was sheer courage.

    It’s quite a concept to get my head around but I think I understand your meaning – that hope kept you in the living death that was prostitution and prevented you from escaping it through actual death. If I’ve mistaken your meaning I apologise.

    I’m glad you had that hope or courage or whatever it was. Your life matters to me and to women who are still suffering the living death that is prostitution.

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  3. It is impossible to answer in any clear way about why and so many prostituted women do not commit suicide – for it makes no logical sense.
    I think it is many things. It is that many prostituted women and girls are so emotionally dead inside that suicide is not even thought about, everything is made surreal and that nothing can matter.
    Suicide often comes from caring enough to want to die – that is often taken away from the throughly tortured, including the prostituted.
    Many prostituted women and girls are laugh at or punish if they fail at suicide, so they stop trying.
    Being in an environment, where violence is the norm, not trying to kill yourself can be a small piece of resistance.
    I do not believe it was courage, for that is a conscience act, and most prostitutes are too emotionally for that.
    Hope is something that is there whether we know it or not.

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  4. Thank you for clarifying, Rebecca. Of course it makes sense that the pimps would punish failed suicide attempts, after all it’s a form of escape and they don’t permit that.

    It’s incredible how the ‘normal’ reactions of ‘normal’ people to stress are turned on their head in prostitution, and I think it highlights just how horrific the trade is that life and death become what they do.

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