I have been almost incapable of writing for round a week, for I have been going a bout of trauma from hell.
It has affected my breathing, my sleep, I can’t speak, I get anal bleeding and I keep choking – but apart from that I am fine, ha! So writing has been pushed away, as I try to stay focus on the ordinary and dull to keep some degree of sanity.
But part of my trauma is an underlying fury at all the things that I tolerant that are a constant remainder, that whether in or exited from the sex trade, most prostituted women and girls are viewed as sub-humans.
To be honest, the constant noise about Slutwalk is one of those things, but in this post I say how and why my tolerance levels have exploded within me.
I know that as exited prostituted woman, I have quite high levels of tolerance, I do tend to either avoid getting involved when it is clearly going to trigger me too much, or to be engaged but keep myself very detached.
That is the training I had when I was prostituted, especially when I did indoors prostitution with punters who wanted more than to have a porn-toy, but to pretend to themselves it was some kind of relationship.
These punters and that type of sick prostitution, taught me and many other prostituted women, to look as if we are listening and tolerating all their words – whilst we would mentally go miles away or survive by imagining murdering the bastard.
We are tolerant – but it does not mean we believe the crap that is thrown at us every day – we are just afraid of our fury when we let our tolerance slip only a little.
Our silence is hardly ever a sign that we agree with you.
Take Slutwalk as an example.
For most exited prostituted women, we fully know in every cell of our bodies that Slut may have other meanings apart from saying prostituted women are so low that any punter can and should have them – but that is the meaning that was poison inside us, the meaning yelled and screamed at us as we were raped beyond the language of rape, the meaning that often our label as profiteers made us do extras that nearly killed us.
Of course, every prostituted woman and girl knows it is despicable that men make excuses, such as what a rape victim is wearing, but isn’t it much worse that we have built a whole society’s view that if anyone dresses as some stereotype whore, she must be up for it. There little questioning why the prostitute is feared so much.
And what it hard to take is there no rush to stop prostituted women and girls from being raped whatever the fuck they are wearing. Christ, if you want to feel good about stopping rapes, it would cool if you could end the institutionalised, common and usually sadistic rapes of women and girls in porn and prostitution.
I want marches demanding an end to the sex trade, marches saying prostitution is to pay-to-rape, marches speaking out about the sadism in the production of porn – I don’t want things like Slutwalk saying being a Slut can be just work for those inside the sex trade.
Thanks for reminding me again that those inside the sex trade are considered sub-humans.
I am so ill still – my fury and grief is almost killing me.
From that place, I will say if you know the realities of the prostituted, you can stop silencing those of us who known it – or you become part of the poison that is slowly destroying us.
You have the luxury to turn away from the violence and hate that is the foundations of all of the sex trade – we do not.
You can ease your consciences by only seeing and viewing the “sex worker” in small moments that she fits your preconceived stereotypes of empowerment – we cannot forget the realities of what it is to be made into goods to be tortured, raped, brainwashed and thrown away.
You can turn away from the voices of exited prostituted women – for in the end, our truths cannot be debated away, cannot fitted into a box to be thrown down a well – our truths whether spoken or not demand attention.
We speak into mostly silence, of how men who make the choice to be punters and or profiteers are completely upfront that they hate women – and that is why there is the sex trade.
Christ, it is not rocket science to see that the vast majority of punters are paying to owned the prostitute as his property – bit like slavery.
If he is paying to own her, is it not far more likely he want to use violence on her, then to see her as human and just have regular sex.
It is stupidity to imagine otherwise.
And it not rocket science to know that the most profit in all aspects of the sex trade is by supplying images and access to sadistic sex. The sex trade is all about profit – so there millions of women and girls being sexually tortured as you read this, all over the world.
Stop looking for the nice aspects of the sex trade – would you say some incest is ok if the abuser said she smiled, would you say some domestic violence is ok coz they watch TV together after a brutal beating. But as you see only the smile of the prostitute or woman inside porn – you make the choice to turn off her reality.
I am so angry – I am not sure if this post can be followed.
Only know this is a tiny part of my rage.