Would You Care If I Was a Broken Horse

I feel it is important to write how I was broken down, till I was suitable for the sex trade. It not important on the personal level – that is just my past, there nothing that can be done about it. It is important because it was never personal.

That is where my politics lay – that as a prostituted woman I was never a person, never given the luxury of having an individuality – no, I was just one of millions of women and girls broken down till they were nothing but Whores.

We were broken down – but being just women and girls, being what others decide are the “bad” girls – it was and is made of no importance. But, if we were horses suddenly there would be pity and outrage – but I always forget, we the prostituted were and are worthless.

To break down a woman or girl to be the ideal Whore – it is not important to know her back story. All that matter is her appearance – it all about will she fill a hole in the market.

Profiteers and punters don’t care or want to know if she has been previously abused; don’t care or want to know if she is desperate for money or interested if she is just pushing boundaries; don’t care or want to know if she got no self-esteem or gone into hardness.

They are just looking for profit – they are calculating how fuckable she is or how much money they squeeze out of her.

Therefore any woman or girl who is vulnerable enough, or too dead to care, can be trapped inside the sex trade. The market is ever expandable.

Any woman or girl can and will be broken by the sex trade, any woman or girl can be made into the ideal Whore.

Just have around two or three things go wrong in your life – just fit the porn-fuelled ethic stereotypes that punters demand; just be in a natural or man-made disaster; just get sexually abused as a child; just lose your status and money; just be hanging with “friends” that tell you it is just fun; just have a “boyfriend” who said if you really love him, you would have sex for money – just be an ordinary woman or girl too overwhelmed to know it is a trap.

Those are the women and girls that the sex trade breaks down. The more broken down we become – the more we are made invisible to the public gaze.

The aim of breaking us down is not to make us into an objects that any and all punters can pour all their porn hate into – but the purpose of being the ideal Whore is give out the veneer of being the Happy Hooker.

We are broken down until we smile inside life-threatening sexual torturing; broken down so we cannot know rape only re-brand as work or our role in life; we broken down so intensely that we fiercely defend our own oppression.

We say loud and clear that we choose this, this must be liberating us, it our job after all.

We have been broken.

Broken by being put into the worse – say with me being gang-rape for several hour; say being forced be shut in a room with a known violent punter until there is no point in caring; say having head forced into water whilst being anally raped; say being beaten into hospital coz you refused a certain violent punter – just a few tiny tiny examples of way that being shown the worse make any woman or girl get broken.

Once you have known the worse – your mental and physical boundaries are smashed up. It is true, that when you know you are trapped inside the sex trade and are shown the worse – that then the only way to somehow survive with a tiny bit of sanity is just kill all emotions, deaden your body to all pain, detach your mind completely – to made yourself the living dead.

To be the ideal Whore – kill yourself in life.

That is what the average punter wants – a prostitute that is too dead to care what he does to her body. He can hit her, he can do all the porn sex he can imagine on her, he can “play” life and death games with her. She is his property – he will and can do as he wants.

And included in his money-worth, she will look happy whatever he does to her, she will remind him he is the master and she will obey him – she is what all women and girls should be.

Why should he care that she is completely broken?

We were and are broken by the sex trade making sure we are isolated from the real world.

If we inside a cult, that would be terrible – but again I always forget being inside the sex trade is always a free choice.

We are and were broken by being told no-one gives a damn about whores, only our pimps/managers care about us; broken by hearing over and over no-one will believe you could do such horrible sex acts unless you wanted it, hell if it so bad why don’t you just kill yourself; broken as we told we just sex-crazed, no-one fucks so many men without wanting it.

Words broke us every day – we just learnt never to show that we cared.

We were and are called bitches, whores, slags, sexually mad, power-crazy, dominator of punters, damaged goods and on and on and on.

We were never call human, or had anyone who remember we had a name. Goods are just goods – especially highly disposable goods.

That broke us utterly.

So if you know anyone, or if you yourself – who make the choice to buy a prostitute – know you will in the vast, vast, vast majority of scenarios, you or they will be buying a broken woman or girl.

That make you or they a criminal – for you are pouring yet more violence and hate into her.

I have the right to hate each and every punter – for each and every one of them as making broken women and girls go through even more destruction.

But as we are not horses – I suppose it no big issue.

 

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6 responses to “Would You Care If I Was a Broken Horse

  1. wow, thanks for writing this. I’m speechless- and amazed at the courage that surviving this takes, and surviving out loud in writing and showing the collective, political meaning of your story.

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  2. Read any small town or small city newspaper and you will sometimes see stories of animal abuse, or people saving animals, or people volunteering for the ASPCA (animal protective societies), the story will get lots of sympathetic comments for the animals. If you read a story about prostitution, comments will mainly or only be abuse heaped on the woman who is a prostitute. No sympathy, no people saving prostitutes from this hell, no rush to help organizations to rescue women including girls. Not many comments. No one wants to see what is happening and what could happen to them or their daughters given a different situation.

    As you point out, this is no choice, there are no happy hookers underneath. Don’t ask, don’t tell, don’t notice. The men, the pimps and punters want to keep it that way.

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  3. This blog is – unfortunately – is what I needed to read. Prostitution and porn have always filled me with dread. But men and women and media tell you that porn and prostitution is free expression, free choice – and imply that YOU have a problem if you can’t deal with it – all this insane rubbish!
    In January 2011, I was told by the man I met whilst I was still at university – who was interested in my traumatic childhood – so it appeared – that, is – my “dark” side – (violent and drunken father, absent mother, violent and bullying brother) – and who appeared to be a sort of “saint” – a good man, left-wing, interested in the plight of the weakest members of society – that he has used prostitutes. I have no idea to what extent etc. He seemed to have a sort of emotional breakdown, which I had to bear the weight of, too.
    This made me suicidal for the first 4 months of this year.
    People’s indifference to my overwhelming horror at knowing that the human being who had feigned to be closest to me for 14 years (when I in fact fear men – and he knew it) was an ABUSER – of women like myself – women who have been traumatized – women who experience DANGER – as I have (although not to the same extent – I am just saying I have experienced violence) – to discover that this person – a weak and insecure guy – preys on broken 19 year olds, to get his sexual kicks and neurotic satisfaction one minute, whilst then telephoning his nieces, sisters and mother the next – playing the part of the perfect uncle, the goody two-shoes brother, the perfect son – whilst ignoring me – and making me out to be unfair and cruel to him – for complaining about his lack of investment in “us”.
    In January I informed him I would be leaving him. This is when he told me he had used prostitutes. To hurt me. It worked. He indulged at the same time in a sort of nervous breakdown and reverted to fits of hysterical crying, speaking with the voice of a child – or would appear to become his recently deceased 83 year-old father (changing voice and demeanor again) All crazy awful stuff.
    I was stunned and the pain went deep into my soul, into my childhood and out and around into the environment I live in. I could hardly bear to see or be near men on public transport, in town etc.
    I just thought of the ABUSE – he’s an ABUSER. I would say, rapist. And I am now speaking to a psychiatrist about this – who tells me to get in touch with MY feelings – but other women – it feels – it is natural to identify with. I have suffered neglect and numbed my emotions, acted pain-free – you can’t touch me emotionally – due to a very rough childhood – I didn’t cry in front of my former partner. It’s strange. I guess I have that in common with prostitutes. Prostitutes scare the hell out of me.
    I have been homeless, too. But always managed to sort myself out “sensibly” – getting a degree, getting a job, avoiding danger. But, as I said – society wants to tell you to shut up – as a woman – to take misogyny as a given.
    The prostitutes I drive past on the streets near where I live in the evening represent danger to me – I feel panic and distress – the girls I have seen on the streets during day-time! – outside my local Citroen car dealership and at the entrance to business parks at lunchtime once! – I am told – are to be accepted as part of the landscape – what’s the problem – get over it – shut up and put up – I am told – even by other women – who remain silent.
    Reading blogs by former prostitutes who remind people of their trauma – is a relief for me. And is how things can and must change for girls, women and for society as a whole. Prostitution is a crime in many countries – we need former prostitutes to really take a stand – and to help dismantle all the sick myths about women and sexuality – which destroy lives – not just of the prostitutes themselves, but of many other people – who go through utter emotional hell – as a result of what goes on.
    So, thanks for this blog. I will share it.

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  4. You’re writing is so heartbreakingly, beautiful, Rebecca. It frightens me how people–men–can do this to other human beings. The level of victim blaming, as KatieS touched upon, is also truly scary.

    Your point about people showing empathy if you had been in a cult is really true. But because mainstream/malestream society does not see prostitution that way, it’s all blamed on you, just the way women have been and often still are asked “why don’t you just leave him?” regarding batterers.

    “That is what the average punter wants – a prostitute that is too dead to care what he does to her body.” This is so sad, but again, from what I understand, true. Dr. Farley’s team recently completed a six country study interviewing punters, and some of them right out said they felt they were going to the morgue when they went to purchase sex from a woman.

    In my heart, as always, dear Rebecca.

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