I have going through extreme trauma all week, well about a week and a half.
But trauma can on occasions make you see things clearer. It makes me see the connections of my life – it a laser vision straight to the heart of all that appears muddled.
One of the tricks of prostitution and porn is that pretends to be isolated from all other forms of male violence. This is done to give it the veneer of being chosen, and is framed as mostly harm-free.
Well I use my life as a tiny example how choice is an illusion in most aspects of the sex trade. I used me – but I just stand for the vast majority of women and girls inside the sex trade who lost track whether it was their choice or not.
I speak for and with the women and girls who never make a clear and honest choice, for they have lost knowing their past, lost remembering how it was to be fully human – how can there be choice in that environment?
I know and with deep grief remember being embedded inside prostitution, being in the middle of making sadistic porn – and strongly making myself believe that was my free choice to be there.
I would not see or know the multiple pushes and pulls that keep me trapped inside the sex trade. I would not know or feel that I only alive because punters and profiteers made the choice not to kill me.
I had to believe it was my role, my purpose and that I deserved any damage done to me. Believing that made me not care, made go dead inside – believing that was my greatest survival mechanism.
So – what I want to ask those who will only hear that prostitutes and women inside porn must be happy – must have chosen to be there, coz in your opinion no-one force to be there. What I need to know why are you so desperate to believe that, and refuse to see the multiple factors that kept women and girls inside the sex trade.
See my life as an example.
I was born in a class, a background and an environment – where most women and girls only viewed the sex trade as something that happens to other women and girls.
I am an upper-middle class white female, brought up in middle-class towns and cities areas, sent to respectable schools.
But the sex trade invades every corner of all women and girls lives – but for the women and girls with the privilege of being posh, the privilege of being white – it that many factors for the sex trade to engulf them.
A major factor which cuts across all classes, all cultures, all backgrounds – is that many women and girls that enter the sex trade have no authentic human love in their lives.
I was emotionally neglected by my mum. I was mentally and sexually abused by my stepdad.
I felt love was nothing to do with me – that I must be a hateful person that no-one should or would love me on a genuine level.
I was typical of so many women and girls inside the sex trade.
I like almost all women and girls inside the sex trade, was made to know and believe that I nothing but a sex object for any man to use and usually damaged, before I entered the sex trade.
I was taught this by being shown hard-core porn at a young girl.
This is not rare for women and girls inside the sex trade. Hard-core porn could be seen as programming our brains to accept the unacceptable.
Hard-core porn taught us that sex is with pain, taught us that the woman or girls is just a fuck-objects who is experimented on, that her safety or dignity is of no importance.
Hard-core porn is training ground to make the perfect whore to be sold and used as inhuman goods.
I was taught by hard-core porn not to move, I was taught to fake pleasure when my life was threatened, was taught the noises that may with luck make the punter stop the sound of manufactured orgasms, taught that injuries and looking almost dead would turn those punters on and make me more profitable.
It is all connected.
I like most women and girls inside the sex trade was previously sexually abused.
I was abused by stepdad from aged 6 to 19, and had been a few “date” rapes.
I was trained to think violent sexual attention was some kind of love, or at least meant I had been seen.
I have never or heard of a woman or girl inside the sex trade who had not been trained by previous sexual violence or being made to view porn – to believe she was nothing but a sex object to please and perform for men who don’t even see her as human.
What I want to ask – why you want to find a tiny, tiny few women inside the sex trade that may of not had previous sexual violence or been in an environment that sexual violence was made unimportant – why do you dismiss the millions of women and girls who do not have that privilege?
How can you look at prostitution and/or porn, and not see that those women and girls have made dead by previous male hate, previous sexual abuse, being in an environment that sex can be commodified, that women and girls are targeted for being poor, targeted for fitting porn-dreams by being inside some ethic grouping.
How you not see that the sex trade does not give a damn about the mental, physical and sexual of the women and girls it traps – all that matters is the profit.
No, you make the choice to ignore all that to find the rainbow unicorn of the woman or girl who is fully happy, and a hundred percent can choose to be inside the sex trade.
You do that by dismissing our pasts and that we live inside an environment that normalising the violence of the sex trade.
Have more respect than that.