Losing It

Things have been getting really bad for me, and over this weekend I went over my edge.

I write this for I know I am losing it, so I may need to avoid, if I can my work. I am not sure how to do that – for I get ill doing this work, but I also get ill when I turn away from it.

But last Friday, I attempted serious self-damage, in that I od.

Yes, it was ok – I was very lucky. But I will try to explain why I wanted to harm myself so bad. I will try without making excuses, without saying it was all my own stupidity, or passing the buck onto others.

I will try to be as honest as possible – dissect what I can.

I was full of anger when I did it – not anger but a rage that refused to fade – it still in me as I write now.

I feel this rage is my background noise – but in the last few months it is taking over my body and giving me little peace.

The final trigger for me was knowing my abusive stepdad has throat cancer. That has brought out anger, self-hatred and feeling isolated.

My body memories have been horrific for a long time – all the times that distract or I can relax into, are not working.

That makes me feel an utter failure.

I am very sick, and don’t know how to get – only I think of harming myself maybe to sleep.

When I was in hospital this weekend, I accepted getting psychiatric help. It may help, to be honest I am desperate – I cannot do more than I am doing, and it is nowhere near enough.

Please if you have any advice send it.

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13 responses to “Losing It

  1. I hope that you can get out from under this pain for a while. You are not a failure. It is the world that has failed and continues to fail. It is not you. You have had courage and wisdom. You have reached out to others as a teacher. You are not a failure, but a success in a messed up world. I am sorry for your grief.

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  2. I am sorry for all the pain you are put through. I am thinking of you. You are a very courageous and thoughtful person. You have helped educate many, many people, and given unexpressed words to many more too. I send you lottttts of support.

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  3. Oh s’il vous plaît, laissez passer la vague, la rage sera toujours là, c’est à cause de la mémoire, mais continuez, continuez, continuez, à parler, raconter, exprimer

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  4. you stop being and that’s the end of your voice and your blog. you can’t give up you voice and the important info on your blog. If doing the blog is not helpful to you then give that up and do your speaking in another way. get to women’s groups, colleges, etc.
    Can you tell me what your purpose is? When someone ends their life it’s over,done,finished. your decision.

    Ruthie

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  5. Ruthie – I did not say I wanted to kill myself or to end this work – just I sometimes harm myself, coz body memories and trauma get too much.To be told that “my voice and important info” is not helpful, for as a writer I know my words are out there whether I alive or not. I have no intention of killing myself – but the pain, grief and anger may mean I have strong self-harming emotions. Emotional blackmail does not help.

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  6. My thought are with you Rebecca please be Strong! I lost my cousin and best friend to suicide in December of this year she was only 21 and found herself trapped in prostitution, it only took us 2 years to lose her. To survive the life as long as you did and get out, there are no words that are that strong enough to describe you. If you ever just feel the need to let it out to a stranger, you now have my email. sending you healing thoughts and relief from your pain.

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  7. Thanks Lindsay – I am very very sorry about your cousin, my heart goes out to you.
    Please everyone, I do very rarely harmed myself, but I do not think I am going to kill myself. But the trauma is very real, just so invisible, self-harming is just an outward way of showing it.

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  8. Hey,

    I read your blog regularly, having found it through someone I think we both know. I have no words of wisdom, and I’m not great at getting myself out of a breakdown, let alone anyone else. What I do want to say, though, is that your words on this blog mean so much to so many people. You are planting seeds of recognition and education, and that is worth so much more than I can put into words. From the people who read your blog and pass the message on to others who then do the same.. Somebody might be saved. That is incredible.

    I would never tell somebody not to harm themselves, because that isn’t my place. All I want you to know is that you are really important, for and to so many people, even those who may never directly come into contact with you.

    I hope you have some comfort.

    Nikki

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