Things have been getting really bad for me, and over this weekend I went over my edge.
I write this for I know I am losing it, so I may need to avoid, if I can my work. I am not sure how to do that – for I get ill doing this work, but I also get ill when I turn away from it.
But last Friday, I attempted serious self-damage, in that I od.
Yes, it was ok – I was very lucky. But I will try to explain why I wanted to harm myself so bad. I will try without making excuses, without saying it was all my own stupidity, or passing the buck onto others.
I will try to be as honest as possible – dissect what I can.
I was full of anger when I did it – not anger but a rage that refused to fade – it still in me as I write now.
I feel this rage is my background noise – but in the last few months it is taking over my body and giving me little peace.
The final trigger for me was knowing my abusive stepdad has throat cancer. That has brought out anger, self-hatred and feeling isolated.
My body memories have been horrific for a long time – all the times that distract or I can relax into, are not working.
That makes me feel an utter failure.
I am very sick, and don’t know how to get – only I think of harming myself maybe to sleep.
When I was in hospital this weekend, I accepted getting psychiatric help. It may help, to be honest I am desperate – I cannot do more than I am doing, and it is nowhere near enough.
Please if you have any advice send it.