Challenging Porn Conference and It’s Aftermath

This post is about my experiences at the London  Challenging Porn Conference. I was very proud of my speech and my presence there – but it was deeply triggering.

I was deeply moved and inspired by Gail Dines’ speech. But it triggered stuff I had buried so deep.

I have many times seen the images from hard-core porn. I have many times been to anti-porn meetings with these images.

Usually I am detached – no worse than detached, often I feel nothing but a coldness.

A coldness from denial that it was inside my body, a coldness that I was made living porn, a coldness how close I was to death.

But this Saturday, it came crashing into me.

It was the images of gagging.

In my day, it was named as deep-throating – but it was the same old shit.

It was forcing a penis or penises down so far back into my throat – that I had no choice but to be sick or lose consciousness. It was a forcing of fists down my delicate throat.

It was images of anal rape.

That was my norm. I had grown cold to knowing it matter. But now, the agony inside my anus is screaming – you matter, you matter, god woman, you matter.

It was the images of gang-rapes.

That was my norm and my punishment – gang-rape use to control me. I was gang-raped so often, I had no concept what real sex was.

So, I was left knowing inside my body how closely hard-core porn is connected with prostitution. In the end, all women inside porn are made into prostitutes by the users and producers.

But crucially, many women from many aspects of the sex trade are put into hard-core porn, for they can be under-paid and made to do sexual acts are highly dangerous and degrading – for they have been deadened by the mental, physical and sexual abuse of the sex trade.

This is my speech.

” It is a deep honour to speak at this conference where there is a general lack of judgement towards exited women from the sex trade. It is very moving to be in a space where as an exited prostituted woman, I can speak out without receiving judgement or being placed into preconceived stereotypes.

There are multiple ways that prostitution and pornography are interconnected. In work, I focus on how many of the women inside the porn industry come from many aspects of the sex trade, including prostitution. 

Also, it is important to know that the majority of users of prostituted women will come with porn-fuelled minds, and will want the prostitute to be living porn. So the punter will do sexual acts to the prostituted woman who would be considered vile and a criminal act if done to a “real” woman. For the prostitute is made non-human, so it is considered that no harm is done to her.

This it is not surprising – for to be a long-term prostitute, it is vital to be cut off from all pain and degradation. To survive prostitution – it is vital to be nearly dead.

For that is what producers and consumers of porn want – nearly dead women.

It is logical for producers of porn to use prostituted women. Prostitutes have had to live with unspeakable sexual acts being done to them over and over and over and over again, until it becomes their norm and the role that they become. Then they will fit into the vicious and callous world that is the porn industry.

Many of the women inside the porn industry are some of the most damaged people I know of. They have had to live in a world where mental, physical and sexual violence is their norm – and to add to their hell – they must smile, they must make the right sex noises, and have to do the same violence over and over and over and over again.

We must put these women at the centre of all our debates about porn.

It is an issue of main-streaming torture. It is a fundamental loss of these women’s basis human rights.

The right to live in safety.

The right to have free expression without control, without threat or use of violence.

The right to freedom of movement without control.

The right to own and to destroy any images or words about yourself.

Place these women at the centre of your fight.”

In answer to a question about Slutwalk.

“Slutwalk excludes the vast majority of women and girls – including the prostituted, a woman battered by her partner and called a slut, girls who are gang-raped and named as sluts. We must be stronger than that.”

Question about choice.

“There are huge double standard when discussing whether being inside the sex trade is free choice. We will take their word that it is empowering, and only view the small moment where the woman appears happy, and well she is smiling. But, we do not take the word of the battered woman or woman raped by her boyfriend – that she is happy, is still in love with him and so is ok then. But we decide being inside the sex trade must be freely chosen. This is a massive betrayal of all women and girls inside the sex trade – and it makes me bloody angry.”

This has had a huge effect on me – I have had very extreme since making my speech.

It comes out mainly as body memories.

My throat so stuffed with knowledge of the reality of oral raping – I choked until I am sick, then choked again and again and again and again – so sick, I can’t imagine i would have any stomach or throat left.

My anal agony is so intense, I think I will faint.

But, more trauma is embedded grief.

Grief that my body was forced to know what for most is unknowable. Grief that any man could have inside his mind how to brutalised without seeing the pain, the terror – without letting in that he was destroying a human.

It a grief that must be felt – but is like a hole inside my body.

When I grieve, I know I am re-entering life.

And that is wonderful.

 

12 responses to “Challenging Porn Conference and It’s Aftermath

  1. Respect and am in awe. Wonderful speech, wonderful responses. You are one of the bravest people in the world and inspiring. My prayers for easier tomorrows xox

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  2. Thank you so much for sharing your speech and comments at the conference. Just reading your descriptions of what was done to you is painful–that is without having gone through this unspeakable hell with no justice at the end of the road.
    “Many of the women inside the porn industry are some of the most damaged people I know of.”

    Yes. I think the women in the pro-sex-as-work crowd who have experience in the trade are also terribly damaged, but their damaged, and the legalization movement only works to support their ill state of being.

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  3. Pingback: “Pour survivre à la prostitution, il est vital d’être quasi-morte” (Rebecca Mott) « A dire d'elles

  4. Thank-you everyone, your kind words are really helping with my mending.

    Womononajourney, you are so right about exited women who speak the language of pro-sex-as-work, they are deeply damaged, and it makes very sad. As you say, it is highly distressing how much of society and culture allows their voices to be mainstream, without caring that just increases the damage to exited women.

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  5. I am very proud to know your writings and of you. Your work is so important. For me the most telling is “Grief that my body was forced to know what for most is unknowable. Grief that any man could have inside his mind how to brutalised without seeing the pain, the terror – without letting in that he was destroying a human.” How is it that men are not held accountable for this violence?

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  6. Dear Ones, especially Rebecca, hoping for healing, and to have public support will be wonderful for you. Words cannot express sorrows enough to let you know that you deserved better. Yes, the pro-prostitution lobby, would be people in denial of their own abuse, locked it away from themselves or using a controlled rape to work out their issues. Descending into drug addiction can also possibly justify self harm as this. However, perhaps it is part of their journey back, and they should be protected in their quest for wholeness. The strongest protections and options such as education opportunity, should be in place for any choosing this work! The control and focus should be on the client, and those who profit from the exploitation of workers in financial bondage; disadvantaged or desperate. As for yourself, I hope that the courage to share continues and helps to give you a voice to inspire others and spare them from going through the same pain. People without empathy, cruel and cold are the ones who are looking at women as a “lost food group”, they are on the hunt, and they want energy, that is why they want to cause pain and degradation. Vampires of the emotional and psychic kind. Narcissists and psychopaths are born, or made by trauma, such as war, violence, dislocation in childhood. So when you realise this, you can see the switch to this cold part of the brain where all feeling for another is shut down. What Gail is describing in her campaign is the visual stimulation of this entity inside mostly men. Young men exposed to hours and hours of this type of activity, are virtually unavailable to relationship. This is such a serious problem that the industry has crept up on society, via the covert platform created by electronic technology, and is in danger of wasting a whole generation or two. Congratulations on your courage to help yourself recover and highlight this darkness. I would recommend much body work, such as Bowen, Rolfing, and Kahuna spiritual massage from safe and trusted practitioners. Homeopathic remedies are also a powerful help to work on your emotions. NLP can also virtually reprogramme you! Take time, be patient with yourself, and do not rush anything. You can totally renew yourself, and I encourage you to continue on the path you have commenced. Speaking out will have been a very brave stand, and you are bound to experience a snap-back effect, of fear. You have dared to speak and activate the throat chakra, now there is no going back, it’s flowing, all the expression you have had held in! All the emotion and tears! This is the biggest trick that victims of child abuse have done to them, to be told they or their loved ones will be killed if they dare tell anyone! They will not be believed, or they will die. There is a powerful script to “don’t speak!” The huge numbers of abused children are the ones waiting in the wings to take the place of those burnt out and destroyed, chewed up and churned out by these industries. Keep fighting to cease the trade in human flesh. It starts with the destruction of the boundaries of the child, by abuse, dislocation, poverty.

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  7. True story of inner world of a Human.After read this story I think why we can not change this system of age old brutual business which degrading our human value.

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  8. Pingback: Challenging Porn Conference and It's Aftermath | #Prostitution #Pornography (french & english) | Scoop.it

  9. Pingback: Challenging Porn Conference and It's Aftermath ...

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