I use this blog to write what appears personal – but everything that I do for the public gaze is political.
I craft my personal history, I only say the parts that happening to thousands of prostituted women and girls. My history is unique and sadly extremely common.
That is why I must write for my history is for too many prostituted women and girls their present.
I do not write to heal – I have others ways to do that.
And also I not that convince that you can heal from many years of extreme torture. I believe you can mend, I believe you can build a brilliant future – but there is always deep holes and scars from the past.
For me, writing is not about healing – it is about digging deep for the truths, it about changing minds to get true justice for the prostituted through building a path to abolition, it about facing emotions that I thought had been murdered – it is not healing, but may be a way to find how to be fully human.
I write what I would witness writing. This means knowing I cannot changed my past, I cannot give back what was stolen – but as a witness who somehow came out alive, I have the skill to write towards the truth.
This is very hard, very exhausting – but it is also the most wonderful thing I have ever done.
I view my past with a cold forensic eye – when writing I cannot pity, I cannot allow my personal feelings in. It is too important for me to not write with a clear eye.
It is too important to lay bare the common brutality that is and was indoors.
Every torture that went through my body is going through prostituted women and girls in every continent, every city, inside flats and hotels on your doorstep.
That is why I write.
I find it patronising that when exited speak out in highly political voices – when they are clearly using the personal to make a huge connection with all trapped inside prostitution – always it put down by “well that’s sad, but it is just their personal story”.
For it is decided that exited woman can never see beyond her own history – it is decided she too damaged to see the bigger picture.
Well, the exited women I read, listen to and have friendship with not only know the bigger picture – they have vast panorama of how the sex trade is destroying all women and girls right to be fully human.
We know we are never unique to the men that were using – we knew to every punter that went through us, one whore is the same as another.
Each prostitute has a unique history, has individual loves and passions, has her own private dreams – but none of that matters to the sex trade, to punters or to any societies that condone prostitution.
To be considered to be a whore – means having no individuality, no voice, no rights and no hope.
To labelled as the prostitute – means knowing you a fuck-object, that you will thrown away when men are bored of you.
To be a prostitute is to have no existence outside the male gaze and command.
That is why my writing even as it appear personal is always political.
It is the politics of saying – we were never and are not nothing – no we have an immense power.
For if and when we speak our truths, we begin to rip apart male command over women and girls.
When we speak of the cold hate of punters – how they rape, batter and murder the prostituted not from passion, some sexual sadism, but the cold hate of knowing she is under their control, she has no rights and so he do as he wills. She is nothing – so all violence put into her means nothing.
We speak and say in clear stubborn voices that we were always something, we were always unique – so each piece of violence put into us is now remembered, and now we have the to say what was done to force real change and give justice to all the prostituted.
We cannot stop what happened to us, we may never repair all the mental, physical and sexual harms done to us – but we can be part of a movement that give hope to the prostituted.
That is why I write.
It so big the personal – it is never a narrow “story”.
It is always political.