Surviving prostitution is living inside fragmented memory, living knowing there is so much that may never be remembered.
We do not remember in a neat linear way, we do have easy facts like time, place, how many men, or each act of violence to hand.
It is not remembered that way – and this post is a start to explain what is to be in that fragmented memory.
I write for I am furious with those who demand facts and solid evidence – and refuse to believe the words and truths of exited women coz they are not linear.
Think a bit about impacted trauma, think and learn.
Impacted trauma is often when the same violence, the same kind of torture, the same hate is done over and over and over and over again.
Done so often that years become months, months become days, and all days become the same.
See a soldier on the Western Front – do you think he could separate one day from another. It is not long spaces of boredom with what feels like moments of terror and death.
See any concentration camps – do really believe those inside that hell remember every moment of every day – when every day is exactly the same hell as the day before. Would it not all become one day, a day without end – a day that you dread will end.
That is impacted trauma – that is what the vast majority of prostituted women and girls live with. It is living with the horror repeated into your body and mind until it all become the same.
Yes, there are many and varied ways that punters rape, bash up, mentally abuse and sexually torture.
But the being in that room alone with men or a man never knowing how violent he will be, that is always the same.
That when you finally have exited enough, are safe enough to remember – that always feels the same. That hundreds or thousands of men become just what you can count on one hand.
I don’t remember places – places I made into dirt, places I was violently raped, places I could have die in – sure, I remember places where I there for months, I remember a few places where my terror is lining the walls.
But places all become the same. Hotel rooms all are just a bed and a bathroom to get clean or be sick in. Flats could be any city.
Places are just swirling round my nightmares, places are sometimes there as I walked down a street, and coldness and rage grabs my heart. Places are everywhere and nowhere.
The worse is I will never know how many punters made me sub-human.
I remember a few of the most sadistic as individuals, I remember men who pretended to be my friend and then made me their whore as individual – but the vast vast majority of punters that destroys all my dreams and hopes have no individuality.
They have no faces, they rarely spoke so no voices to remember – it is just a lumpen weight in my waking dreams and nightmares that is always raping me, always strangling me, always finding ways to make me into living porn.
The punters all become one punters full of rage and hate – a punter determined to undermined all my determination to go forward.
Punters are still in every cell of my body – it is that that fuels this blog, their presence reminds to rid the world of that destruction.
As I write this post, there is sickness in my stomach and throat, as I write my vagina and anus are screaming with memory, as I write I want to faint.
But that is the proof of what those punters did to me – no linear memory or demand for facts can ever be as powerful as those body memories.
If you still want facts or for exited women to remember in a linear way – could it be because you have decided before she has spoken or read her words, she must be a liar or have a mental illness.
You have decided that prostitution is not really that violent – so when exited women speak out that violence, extreme violence, was their norm. That violence underpins every form of prostitution – then you must refuse to hear.
Then you must demand each act of violence is remembered in detail and graphically. If the exited woman is confused or unclear – you can get on your high horse, saying see she is a liar, see it all must be lies.
You have decided without real proof all indoors prostitution must be safe or at least made safe enough to make a profit.
So it is inconvenient that so exited women say no place can made safe for the prostituted – when the whole structure is built on providing punters with the prostituted who are made so sub-human, that all violence done to them will be a non-crime.
But then, exited women do speak or write too many inconvenient truths.