I know I was prostituted now – but at the time I had no idea what it was or why it was constantly happening to me.
All I could do then was to believe that I was such a rotten or damaged person that I must have chosen to go with sadistic men time after time after time after time. I had to blame myself – for to see and feel my truth may have killed me.
I was a prostitute, but I was rarely paid in money.
I was a prostitute, and as I was mentally, physically and tortured – I was meant to grateful for so much attention.
I was a prostitute, and I had to believe that many men just fancied me.
I like so many women and girls trapped inside “posh” prostitution was so manipulated, I had to believe it was constant accidents of being with men who hated and degraded me.
Now, I would labelled it as the girlfriend experience or being escorted – at the time there was a general silencing that it had any connection with prostitution.
Prostitution was what nasty common men do to women who deserves to be hurt – that was planted inside my brain over and over and over so I would never dare even imagine that I could be a prostitute – or my inklings that I was being brought and sold had any truth.
But I was a prostitute, as I grow away from that time, the more I see how I was manipulated. The more I slowly grow to come to terms with my confusion, and living with months and years of blankness.
I have been date-raped, I lived inside incest – and all I know is that girlfriend experience and or escorting is nothing like that.
Dates rapes and incest are done with the same hate and contempt – but as I was raped, as I mentally abused, as I was hit – I was seen as an individual human.
I was never seen when I was inside girlfriend experience and or escorting – I was always a commodity, and basically I was just one whore and any whore would do.
I know from the depths of my essence, that there was nothing personal about what the punter did to me. I know if it was not done to me, they would just buy another escort or “girlfriend”.
Prostitutes live with the knowledge that all the harms done to them, all the hate put into them, all the porn violence infecting them – is never personal, never done to them as an individual.
It just the buying of any whore to turn into dirt, to put fear into her body and mind, to make into a sexual experiment to see if you keep her alive when “good” women would die.
Exited women live with the knowledge they were not raped – for rape is an individual act done on a personal level – no, they have to live with the knowledge they were tortured mentally, physically and sexually.
Exited women live with the knowledge that it is just chance that they are still alive – for I have never met or know of an exited woman who had not had to live with death as her shadow, and who does not know that prostituted girls and women are dying/disappearing all the time.
As an exited woman, part of my politics and mission to speak out – comes from carrying in my heart the “missing” prostitutes I have known on a personal level. They are always the true spirit behind my work.
No wonder that women that in the middle of girlfriend experience and or escorting must believe they are empowered, that it must be safer than other forms of prostitution – and that in many ways it is not prostitution.
To see it as prostitution, is to see your own terror, to know that punters have pre-planned to hurt you bad, to understand that there is always some manager/businessman/pimp profiteering from your hell.
That is too much for most prostituted women to bear – of course they make themselves dead to their own reality, of course they will speak of it as empowering and their free choice, of course they must believe without any real evidence that they are manipulating the men.
To know the cold and death-loving reality of escorting and or girlfriend experience is so terrible is can destroy the essence of the prostituted woman.
I like so many in that environment – had to believe I just had many “boyfriends”.
Only underneath that rarely made sense.
These men would not talk to me or look me in the eye – but would know I was like a robot who would do any sadistic porn fantasy they imagined.
These “boyfriends” would in silence fuck me into hell, and then throw me out.
I survive by refusing to see and know my own reality.
I had “boyfriends” who from nowhere – as I sitting in a pub listening to music, as I trying to fit in a party – would whisper in my ear some sadistic sex act, then take me to the toilet or into the back of building.
Some of these men paid in cash – saying filthy words and blaming me for making them so bad. Many just fuck me into degradation and left me in pain, never paying me.
But the “posh” punters give me gifts, brought me meals, dress me up, show me off, formed my mind into their toy – but refuse me cash, coz they were never disgusting men who “needed” to buy a whore.
These punters have damaged me to the depths of my soul. Their lies, their making me into their private porn toy have almost killed me.
These men were rich enough to owned my body and mind, and they were rich enough to have for long period and to shut me away from the real world.
In that environment they would manipulate and framed me until I had no will left, no ability to know I could resist or even have a voice.
I hate these men with more hate than I thought could be possible.
These rich privileged and highly entitled men view the prostitutes as toys that they play until they are bored – then she throw away on a trash-heap.
These punters will manipulate the prostitution by giving her the dream that he loves as a person, that he see her as a person.
These are terrible lies used to isolate her, and to close away the outside world. He made himself her centre – then makes sure she forgets all people who may care about or see as more than just the role of the prostitute.
He does this by spoiling her, by saying she is intelligent, so beautiful – he does this and all the time keeps her as a whore, giving him sex usually with violence at any time or place.
In my experiences, this leaves the prostitute completely confused, and gradually she losing the will to think for herself and to struggle for some dignity.
That is the reality of escorting and girlfriend experiences.
So, listen to the pain and confusion of the exited prostituted woman.
Know that for many who were trapped inside indoors prostitution – they have the trauma of breaking the lies they were surrounded.
As they think back – knowing that behind closed doors, any form of sadistic violence was their daily norm – but they were told the lie over and over and over that at least it safer than being on the street.
Our trauma rising to explosion point as each murder of a prostituted woman or girl is more than likely inside a building – whether she brought or pick up on the street or did indoors prostitution.
So what the hell is so safe about placing prostitution indoors?
Oh yeh – it make the punters feel safer for they know there be little or no intervention as make the choice to be sadistic to the prostituted woman or girl.
And indoors prostitution gives more profit to those who manage it – for they can charge more for “extras” no matter how dangerous they are to the prostituted.
I am exhausted now – please respond to this post.