Being Made a Porn-Doll

I was made into nothing but a porn-doll. That it is not easy to write, that is never easy to know.

But it is the bitter centre of being inside indoors prostitution. It is the bitter centre of all that make a prostitute outside of other forms of male sexual violence.

Prostitution is always, has always been, and if allowed will be in the future – about connecting porn with prostitution. There is no barriers between the two.

The reality of being prostituted is that your role is for mostly men to pour all their porn sick fantasies into the living bodies of the “whores”.

This is not new – that hate and violence – is as old as men have paid for sex; as old as men have made images and created words about the sexual torturing of women and girls; as old as there been a class of women and girls named as the prostituted who can be sexually tortured without consequences for their rapists.

The only things that are new – what is new technology to spread into yet more men’s minds that this form of torture can be a form of leisure activity; what is new is they types of objects or machinery used to tortured the prostituted class; what is new is suddenly it is seen as normal and some kind of human right to have access to porn and to the prostituted.

But the prostituted class have always been allowed to drown in porn – it is so rare that anyone see their torturing, hears their screams or crying, see their dead eyes – the prostituted are only noticed when porn affects the non-prostituted.

In my time, there has always been a fight against porn – but only rarely is it from the voices of the prostituted class.

It is not the voices of women who have exited from mainstream porn; it is not the voices of the millions of prostituted women and girls who have every part of the latest porn fad put into their bodies; it is not the voices of the prostituted made to endure sadist sex while it filmed, then marketed as “amateur” porn; it is never the voices of the many prostituted girls paid to be in porn and told it may be safer than being on the street or in a brothel.

These silent voices are inside every piece of mainstream porn on every computer, they are in every porn magazines, they are blow up in every seedy sex cinema.

How many of  you would really hear the voices of the prostituted class speaking out about being inside porn? Do you really hear our voices – or will just look to see how porn effects the non-prostituted, and abandoned the prostituted class?

It is horrific to see young girls tortured in porn, young as babies or toddlers – but it is also easier than seeing grown women being tortured by and for porn.

A young child will receive your compassion, will make you have righteous fury – you will want to do something to protect the child.

But not the adult woman trapped by porn and/or prostitution.

Instead, you force yourself not to see it as sexual torture – but a freely chosen adult decision. You betray the prostituted class by refusing to see her eyes, feel her pain, imagine her terror.

By calling it a free choice – you have imprisoned the prostituted.

Porn is seen as bad if it ruins real sex for women who are not the prostituted. It ends communication, it makes men see their partners as parts of a body or plastic women, it make sex into a performance.

But this is ok when men do this to the prostituted class.

As a prostitute – it is your role to be nothing but sex parts for men to put their porn-dreams into.

Now, that is flowery language for mainly terrifying and life-threatening sex.

Most punters learn so much from porn – it is their teacher, their family, and all too often their religion.

When alone with a punter, there is always the dreadful silence as the prostitute tries to be that porn-image, tries to read his mind in order to have some kind of safety.

It is very common that punters make her invisible – he will not look her in the eye; will push her face into a wall or the bed; will do anal sex so he can’t see her face; make her do endless blow-jobs as tear at her hair.

Punters hate the prostitute’s face – it may show a terror he doesn’t want to know; it may be dead when he is imaging he is a sex-god; it may be bruised and remind him he might be a bastard in reality.

I had so much anal sex – anal rape and torture is a given for any porn-fuelled punter.

It is the ultimate in destroying the prostituted. Anal sex done to prostituted is done put as much pain as possible – without killing her.

Anal rape and torture is as old as porn and prostitution has existed.

It is always done to make the prostitute bleed, always done to make her unconscious.

Anal rape is hate and nothing else.

There has always been gang-rapes of the prostitutes – hell, in most indoors prostitution is has been made into “fine art” of many ways to gang-rape the whore for many centuries.

But each generation discovers gang-raping when it happens to the non-prostituted and is shocked. Shocked that is used as war-crime, shocked it used by urban gangs, shocked it affects decent women and girls.

But there is little pity or shock, and certainly no intervention, when gang-rapes are in porn or prostitution.

It is decided that the prostituted must be so sub-human that gang-rapes for them is just fun or their routine – so it would somehow moralistic to judge them for being in that situation.

Now, how do you twist your mind to think there exist somewhere a group of women and girls who just love the violence, the pain, the terror and the near-death experiences of being gang-raped.

Most women who make that choice to say gang-rape is ok for the prostituted class – campaign hard against sexual violence to the non-prostituted, but say it is fine if you are paid.

It is so hard not to hate you for that attitude. I try to understand – but to honest, a huge part of me is sick that it always the prostituted who have to be reasonable and understand such hateful opinions.

Think what gang-rape is – think hard, and be very honest with yourself and see if you place any human in that situation.

Being gang-raped is to have pain coming from everywhere without warning or time to block it out.

Being gang-raped is to remember somehow to keep breathing, but always have a desperation to die.

Being gang-raped is be degraded that you lose you can be is human.

Why the hell is that wrong for the non-prostituted women and girls – but can be made ok for the prostituted class?

Don’t answer that, for then I may have to hit you.

Only know gang-rapes of the prostituted has been so invisible that it is the norm in most aspects of porn and prostitution.

It is normal to see on your computer the gang-rapes in any mainstream porn of any market.

It is normal in most brothels; it is normal to make street-based prostitutes have more one punter at the time; many escorts are tricked into gang-rapes – it is the bread and butter of the sex trade, for gang rapes are highly profitable.

Are you rescuing the prostituted class from gang-rapes?

I cannot write any more – I have so much to write – this the beginning of a new beginning.

Don’t abandoned the prostituted class.

17 responses to “Being Made a Porn-Doll

  1. YES: There has always been gang-rapes of the prostitutes – hell, in most indoors prostitution is has been made into “fine art” of many ways to gang-rape the whore for many centuries.

    But each generation discovers gang-raping when it happens to the non-prostituted and is shocked. Shocked that is used as war-crime, shocked it used by urban gangs, shocked it affects decent women and girls.

    But there is little pity or shock, and certainly no intervention, when gang-rapes are in porn or prostitution.

    It is decided that the prostituted must be so sub-human that gang-rapes for them is just fun or their routine – so it would somehow moralistic to judge them for being in that situation.

    Let’s try that ‘moralistic’ argument in a situation that doesn’t involve the prostituted class. Is it ‘moralistic’ to want to help people who are starving, or are we judging their need for food? Is it ‘moralistic’ to want to stop a genocide, or are we ‘labeling’ the affected population as helpeless and thus undermining their ‘choice’ to be living in a country full of hate.

    People always think that in their time they are somehow at the ‘cutting edge’ of sex or in the case of the prostituted class, sexual torture. . It was that way in the 1920s, the 60s, in the 90s, and now. The more things change the more they are are the same. (Voltaire).

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  2. Rebecca, it makes me so sick and angry that there is this barrier put up between the prostituted and the non prostituted. As if prostituted women were not human, as if prostituted women had no feelings. I think many of the women you describe w/ dead eyes hold such a volcanic rage and sea of emotion they have to hold it back because to really feel in those moments of intense violence and dehumanization could be deadly. Prostituted women aren’t allowed to be vulnerable on that level.

    Thanks for speaking the truth. Ending the violence committed against the prostituted must come first, always.

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  3. This is never ok to gang rape anyone, never ok. There is one thing you said, a punter practises his violence and sexual torture on the prostituted class. Because he can get away with it. It pisses me off that people say that prostitution protects other women from rape. How can anyone really believe that? How can anyone justify the sex industry after reading your voices?

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  4. Thanks everyone – this post is very scary for me, and at the same time I am very proud of how I did it.
    Nuclearnight – the dead eyes are many things. They come from knowing the violence is endless and with no exit in sight. They come from the repeated sadistic violence by many punters and managers/pimps. This violence and hate becomes so routine that deadness is a survival mechanism. It also that volcano of emotions you speak of – but when there no safe place to have rage, feel terror or even know pain – then deadness is the only way not to die.

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  5. A poignant and beautiful post. I cannot imagine the agony.

    Why, oh why, aren’t the men who do things like that not exposed as the criminals and sociopaths that they are? How have they gotten away with creating two classes of women, the prostituted and the not-yet-prostituted? I say not-yet-prostituted because no woman is safe in a world where men want to hurt women.

    The sex industry is evil, a vampiric monster. To blame those who were enslaved, tortured and repeatedly raped is to divert attention away from the violent customers and the greedy, soulless horror that is the sex industry.

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  6. Thanks Terre – although I agree that male violence and hate does and can affect all women and girls – I still do not believe that all women and girls are made into the prostituted class.
    Much of male violence and hate is done to women and girls is done whilst still seeing she is a human, and has rights. She is viewed as an individual – the violence is targeted at destroying her as a person.
    That is the difference between most women and the prostituted class.
    When men make the choice to pour violence and hate into the prostituted class – it is not done to a human, but to an object without feeling, without access to pain, and without any rights. A prostitute is not given access to humanity – she is just sexual parts for men to use.
    This is hard to write, and very hard to know.
    But until the stealing of the prostituted right to be human is known – there can never be true freedom for the prostituted class.

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  7. Point well-made. And it breaks my heart.

    I do see prostituted women as my sisters, fully human. And I encourage all women to see ALL other women as fully human. Men have played a trick upon many women by trying to define some women as sub-human and others more so. But the thing is, NO woman is entirely human for these asses. For them, it is a matter of degrees. And I am not buying the whole bullshit argument that women somehow earn their humanity by what they provide to men, that same argument includes that prostituted women are never human.

    To hell with what men think. Men are not going to paint my reality for me. If they ever catch up mentally and emotionally in significant numbers to help, good for them, but I doubt that they will in my lifetime, so I am not holding my breath.

    So I see my activism as getting ALL women to see the ruse, the cruelty, that has been handed to us without question. Yes, yes, yes, prostituted women have borne the brunt of the vitriol, violence and hatred, that is undeniable.

    It is sad that some women think that they can “earn” men’s approval and be spared the worst of the worst. Be a good wife, a good mother a good whatever-the-men need and be spared what some women could not escape? Because I was right on the edge, nearly prostituted, I see things that most women might refuse to see unless confronted.

    My point is that no woman can be de-humanized on my watch. No one. Not 100% de-humanized or 0.000001%. The way I see it, non-prosittued women owe a debt to prostituted women. You took all the violence, torture and hatred for us. I want to acknowledge that.

    Rebecca, your clarity, honesty and emotional brilliance make you far, far more human than any 10,000 people I could round up. I speak of the connection that women share, while honoring that certainly prostituted women have been vilely enslaved and tortured, sometimes tortured to death.

    Thank you for speaking up as you do. And please, please keep educating me. I so want to share this message with other women. XO

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  8. Being a survivor of sexual slavery, I have survived multiple gang-rapes. The most men that were ever involved was 8 and that was when I was 9 years old. They did things to me that I thought were physically impossible. I had a pop-up ad that showed gang-rape porn, and I had to rush to the bathroom to get sick. It`s absolutely disgusting and horrifying to know that people get off on this. It is wrong. It doesn`t matter if it`s a child, adult, the prostituted, or anyone. It is and will always be wrong. Gang-rape is incredibly traumatizing.

    Please keep writing Rebecca! People definitely need to hear your words!

    http://www.antipornography.org/jacks_child_sex_abuse_story.html

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  9. Being a survivor of sexual slavery, I`ve experienced multiple gang-rapes. In my opinion, it is always wrong, It doesn`t matter who the victim is. It. Is. ALWAYS. Wrong. It is absolutely disgusting what is on the internet, and the people who get off on such things are outlandishly disgusting. I had a coworker (who didn`t know about my history), send me a video of a gang-rape and I had to rush to the bathroom to be sick. Words do not do justice to the absolute agony, horror, terror and degradation of gang-rape. The most men I was raped by at once was 8. They did things to me that I thought were physically impossible. It is never ok for someone to be subjected to that level of violence and hatred. It doesn`t matter who you are, it is always a crime against that person`s humanity.

    Sorry for the rant, just had to get this out there. I understand all too well what you write about Rebecca. Please keep writing!! These issues need to get out there, and they need to be heard!

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  10. I am a survivor of hard core sadistic porn. I was sold by my husband. Being able to identify with anyone or anything has been an unsurmountable trap, but reading your blog and hearing your heart say “connecting porn with prostitution. There is no barriers between the two” makes me want to scream back…”YES!” Porn and prostitution are two sides of the same coin. Porn fuels demanders for prostitution and it feeds the men who film. Being a survivor, I am speaking out now about being drugged to various stages of immobility and forced to endure torture porn. What I am finding is that even speaking out seems to cause people to back up, shut up and walk away. While the horror of glamorized porn is difficult traumatizing and disgusting those who are speaking out and they voice the same pain and are also met with the same resistance from the general public and pro-porn groups. What about those of us sold into this forced and drugged into hard core porn, who some how manage to get free and survive? Threats intimidation assaults humiliation and shame kept me silent for all this time, and after believing all the lies plus my own lies to cover up, it is as though breaking the silence meets with even more resistance. But, in spite of this I feel strongly about all the other boys and girls and women who are still trapped whether they are being filmed now or are survivors who have lived. Who wants to hear that one can be forced and drugged, that many do not choose to be filmed? Advocates are now listening to the prostituted girls and women, but not those of us filmed against our wills. Does anyone give a care that we hurt the same way, and bear the pain and shame to keep us silent, that we are the butt of someone’s sick fantasy? And the isolation …… the isolation of a studio hidden in a house or garage or basement is the isolation of a motel room or car or bar. I have memories that shake me to the core when they surface. Those memories have twisted lies, brain washing, and manipulation attached to them. I fight off an invisible assault in those memories arguing simultaneously “it did not happen” because that is what has been programed in to my mind. “Why am I sweating in night mares?” “Why am I repulsed by smells or sights?” “Why are these images surfacing?” All the conditioning the verbal barrage of lies and manipulation coupled with drugs flies in the face of reality. I remember things that happened, I remember the other girls brought in from Europe, I remember what the pornographer wore. Flashes and glimpses that were not covered in lies and brain washing are allowing me to make some sense of some things. I have no connection with people for fear. I cant do people, and group gatherings can send me into a dissociation state. Catching a comment about porn or prostitutes from someone, or seeing an ad in a magazine or TV or movie with a glimmer of explicit sex innuendo’s, being subjected to the onslaught of music in stores and restaurants can easily tip me to reactions that will disillusion friends or acquaintances. And I dwarf my self in an effort to keep going. I dare say all the thousands of other girls and women filmed against their wills who never chose that venue for life are walking this same tight rope. I speak out now because I can no longer remain silent. Not only do I speak for myself to heal, I speak for all the the others who have had their voice stolen. I speak for all of the girls and women who face the same rejection ridicule and denial, so they may be able identify and find a way out of the pain of silence. I have a friend who was sold into prostitution and it took her many years before she could speak of what happened simply because of stereotypical prejudices. She is speaking out now though still a devastated and wounded soul. Thank you for speaking out ‘there are no barriers between porn and prostitution. Thank you

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  11. Naideen – thank-you so much for your amazing and deeply moving comment, it so powerful and speaks to the truth.
    I so saddened that you had to live inside such hell. And it makes me very angry that so many are so dismissive and disrespectful to women who are in or have exited from hard-core porn.
    You were tortured, and have a great powerful to come away from that world with such strength and compassion.
    You are right to say that porn and prostitution are deeply interconnected – they feed off each in a horrible circle. I do not understand why so many refuse to see the connections – and decide that hard-core is ok for it is just “acting” – rather than watching torture.
    I am always for you – thanks so much for trusting me.

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  12. Pingback: What People Who Know Little About Prostitution & Porn Need to Know « Healing Thru Words

  13. Hi,

    I’ve just found your blog and read some of your posts. Even though i’m really far from stopping reading your words, i can say for sure it completely crashes my heart.
    Can I or can I not imagine what you’ve been through all these years? That’s the question i’m asking to myself right now. I guess i can at least a little, that’s probably why it hurts me so much to read you, makes me cry again, and at the same time it releases me, as i know deep inside me you tell the damn horrible truth no one wants to hear and no one wants to speak.

    I don’t know anything about gang-rape, nor prostitution, though i know enough about rape. Since then, i’ve always considered being prostituted was somehow being repeatedly raped, by one or several men. Like a rape with external/social consent, where money and violence are exchanged, and therefore it’s not really violence.
    But i’ve never considered the idea that prostituted people were raped because they were considered as sub-human at first. I’ve never been prostituted, though i’ve been considered as less than a human, as a something that hasn’t got the right to have its own free will respected, as a something that was just there to please someone’s fucked up beliefs of what a woman is. I just discovered the hard way that for some reason, some men ( and women) consider that women, no matter who or what they are, are there only to do whatever pleases them. In their eyes, we’re nothing but an object that can be violented as much as men want.
    I think those men, those who rape so called “decent” women (but seeing how much of these not-prostituted raped women are ignored or even dispised by almost everybody in society and especially by the judicial system, how much we tell us that if we are raped it’s because somehow, we were looking for it and deserved it) are the same than the ones who buy sex from prostitutes (directly or through porno “movies”), or at least if they don’t buy it, they consider it as completely okay, as a fundamental right for any man with a functional dick. The only difference for me in these two “species” of bastards (the ones who rape prostitutes and the ones who rape anything they can) is that the ones who buy sex from a prostituted person try to ease their conscience with what they’re doing. That’s not a bad thing because in exchange i gave her money. I didn’t rape her, i’m not a monster as i paid her for what i’ve done to her, we were just having fun, ain’t we?
    But maybe -and it freaks me out- none of them care about being monsters anyway, maybe it just excites them to be able to rape easily, without being prosecuted or threatened. Maybe they do that on prostitutes only because it’s easier for them to torture someone who’s not their sister, or cousin, or friend, or collegue, or acquaintance. It’s an invisble rape then, invisible for those amongst them who hide the truth from themselves that they’re monsters, but the most important, invisble for the society they live in, their families, the people they know and evolve with. I’m afraid most of them don’t care at all about being huge bastards, if they buy sex, they buy safe silence over the rape they committed.

    That’s probably why mine tried to pay me after i stopped my hand from killing him and perpretating the slaughter he had perpetrated on me, in my head when he killed me and made me a non-human, depossessing me of myself. Maybe he tried to ease his conscience, maybe he wanted to keep seeing himself as a good guy who doesn’t rape girls. But this idea is a pure illusion. He only tried to pay for my silence, it wasn’t a reward for letting him alive and unthreatened with the thing he had done, it was just like saying “if i pay you and you take it, we’ve got a contract that you must stay silent, it’s the sign of your approval that it’s okay to be treated like i treated you tonight, and then you won’t go complain to the cops”. It wasn’t a question of being a prostitute or not, he knew i wasn’t one, and he didn’t want to make me one by paying me.

    He realised perfectly and liked what he did, the possibility to express his sadism, the power he had to break my neck with only one hand, and i’m convinced he directly considered me as an object, as a toy, at the very time we met. In my opinion, and maybe i am wrong, but in my opinion, de-humanization of women in general is what makes prostitution possible and acceptable for most people, and i sometimes feel like any woman is just considered a potential prostitute. But being prostituted isn’t what makes you less than a human, being a woman does. They can give money to normalize this attitude, to edict some kind of contract that we cannot complain if we are paid for the rape, and sometimes it’s called prostitution, sometimes it’s called porn, sometimes it’s called sex-work.
    But i’ve got only three words to define all these things, and it is rape, torture, murder.

    Thank you for what you do, for speaking like you do, your words are the yellings we should here everyday, from everywhere.

    (and sorry for my english too, i’m french, i did the best i could to be understandable, but sometimes i lack the words to express precisely my thoughts)

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