I am finally coming into grief, I am finally coming into life, I am finally getting to the beginning of being fully human.
Grief is terrible, but it may one of the most life-affirming emotions I know.
Deep grief is the showing the reality of what was taken from me, deep grief is knowing there was times in my life I could do nothing to protect myself except stay alive.
Deep grief is feeling inside every cell of your body what punters do to a non-human named as the prostitute.
Deep grief is knowing that killing your own humanity and having no space for dignity may have been a reason those punters choose not to bother to kill you.
Deep grief is a screaming that cannot and will be silenced, only no-one hears it.
Deep grief is a constant feeling of wanting to rip out your skin, want to pull the pain in my anus, vagina and throat.
Deep grief is going to the doctor and told nothing physically wrong – and then the pain is worse and nothing calms it down.
Deep grief is knowing you do not know how much you were raped, how many times you were beaten, knowing you viewed gang rape as a constant threat, and knowing anal rape was your norm.
Deep grief is attempting to repair the body after that – only knowing it will always leaves you with holes and gaps.
Deep grief is accepting that you will always have disjointed memory.
Deep grief is always there when there is no true justice.
That is deep grief – or parts of it.
I know it wonderful or it is giving me back my life.