Broken, But Still Here

I have been so ill – ill with knowing what was blocked so firmly away, ill with knowing what it is and was to be sub-human.

My sickness is breaking me in many pieces.

I am starting to cry as I never have before. But crying doesn’t take the sickness away, just comes out and then the fear, grief and pain just fade – and comes back later.

I write, and speak to that pain, grief and fear – I write with so much order, so concern that it makes sense, write to please my readers.

I cannot write of the chaos, of the blinding terror, the sickness that no words or listening can cure.

I have great need to write, to express a small part of my reality.

I write to show my hell was the norm for thousands of the prostituted – it was not rare, it was not just bad luck, instead it was the norm for so many prostituted women and girls.

I write in a political heart – trying hard not to know my own emotions or my deadness of emotions, trying hard not to know without detachment the violence pour into my mind and body – I write to campaign for change, but I need more.

I need to feel into the sickness, feel into the terror, feel into the rage, feel why I must block out so much, feel that is no linear track to find my truths – I must feel in order to live with some kind of a future.

It is so hard to just pick up the pieces when for years you lived inside all forms of torture – hard to be fully whole and mended when torture steal memory, steal sense of self-hood, steal how to trust.

It is hard to find a future without knowing so much of the past – having silences and gaps that haunt the present, comes through in flashes of nightmares that are forgotten or remembered in a disjointed way.

I feel like I am building on sand as the sea destroys all I work for.

This is not true – but it so hard not to have despair – as pain, sickness, confusion and terror grabs my heart – that where I am now.

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6 responses to “Broken, But Still Here

  1. Your writing is changing the future for many, many women. I know that you cannot feel that, or perhaps, know that right now—yet, you are. By speaking the truth about the horrors of prostitution and its aftereffects, no one who has read even ten of your words will ever be unquestioning about porn and prostitution again. Thank you, and hugs from across the pond. XO

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  2. Your words move me, and I cry- for me, for you, for all women- and I do it alone.

    I RAGE and SCREAM at the abuse and injustices perpetuated against women by men. I am ignored. It makes me feel insane, unwanted. Always, alone.

    Let’s stick together- even if we are far away from each other- that way we are a little less alone.

    A big American lady-hug for you (if wanted).

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  3. I Will be a Hummingbird: A tale by the late activist & Shero, Wangari Maathai

    We are constantly being bombarded by problems that we face
    and sometimes we get completely awkward.

    The story of the hummingbird is about this huge forest being consumed by a fire.
    All the animals in the forest come out, and they are transfixed as they watch the forest burning,
    and they feel to be awkward
    they are powerless
    except this little humming bird, it says
    “I am going to do something about the fire”
    So it flies to the nearest stream
    takes some drop water, and puts it on the fire
    and goes up and down, up and down, as fast as it can

    In the mean time, all the other animals,
    much bigger animals, like the elephants,
    with big trunks, could bring much more water,
    they are standing there helpless,
    and they are saying to the humming bird:
    “What do you think you can do ?
    You are too little ! This fire is too big !
    Your wings are too little, and your beak is so small, you only can bring a small drop of water at a time !”

    But as they continue to discourage it, it turns to them without wasting any time, and tells them:
    “I am doing the best I can.
    And that to me is what all of us should do
    We should always fly like a hummingbird.
    I may feel insignificant,
    but I certainly don’t want to be like the animals watching as the planet goes down the drain.
    I will be a humming bird.
    I will do the best I can.”

    I see you as a hummingbird Rebecca, doing the best that you can; you are opening people’s eyes and changing people’s minds with your words. Hang in there, and please let us know if there’s anything your supporters can do to soften your pain.

    Much peace, health and Love to you.

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  4. Subject : Prostitution: Time to Take Action, an opinion prepared by the Conseil du statut de la femme.

    The Conseil du statut de la femme recently published the opinion Prostitution: Time to Take Action. The Conseil takes a clear stance in favor of combating prostitution. In this opinion, the Conseil presents a comprehensive analysis of the issues surrounding prostitution in order to identify courses of action based on the principle of gender equality and respect for the dignity and fundamental rights of all women, whether they are prostitutes or not. More specifically, it paints a portrait of the realities of prostitution in our globalized world, then takes an in-depth look at the legal and political context with regard to prostitution and closes by formulating a series of eleven recommendations designed to prevent sexual exploitation and help prostitutes escape the sex trade.
    Thank you for reading.

    Opinion : http://www.csf.gouv.qc.ca/modules/fichierspublications/fichier-29-1655.pdf (French)
    Opinion Summary : http://www.csf.gouv.qc.ca/modules/fichierspublications/fichier-29-1657.pdf

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