On Being Sub-Human

This post is very important, and may be the hardest thing I have written for a long time. In this post, I want to explain what it was to made sub-human for me.

I can say this with detachment, say it as a political statement – but in this post, I want to go somewhere more painful and harder to access – I reach into the personal, into the emotions or the death of emotions that made me sub-human.

This is the true meaning of being a feminist – digging deep into the personal to find connections and a reason for a life – and making that political by knowing the personal was part of what is happening to millions of the prostituted class.

I write of me – but know my voice is multiplied by other exited women speaking to their truths to. Each one of us were made sub-human, each one of us are fighting to find a language to explain that reality, and built a road back to our full humanity.

To be made sub-human is deeper than just losing connections with the outside world and being so oppressed that you give up the idea of hope.

That is the surface level that those who survived being inside the sex trade can lay out to the world.

To be sub-human is to lose any concept that you are ever capable of being human again – that is to so degraded and so oppressed that you forget what being human is.

If a punter or profiteer called you “Bitch” – you know you are a dog.

To be sub-human is to so dead, so lost to your own humanity – that all you can be is an object wanting for instructions.

If a profiteer told you to kill yourself, you would cut yourself or take an od in a machine-like way. If a punter pushes and pulls your body into porn-poses to make ultimate pain, you just let it happen without seeing or knowing what is happening.

To be sub-human, is to never to know what is real, never to know if you dead or alive – only that it is not worth thinking about, for it all just degradation, and would be pain if you were alive and human.

Again that is just the surface of what I think my readers may understand about how the prostituted are made sub-human.

There is so many complicated levels.

There is the level that as with many prostituted I came from being raped and forced to know hard-core porn from a very young age – an age where others can have some innocence, an age when I was learning how to be human, an age where knowing trust and solid love help you grow into what most would call a human.

I had that natural growth into humanity ripped from me before I had the chance to understand my own individuality.

This is very common in the prostituted – many have no access to innocence, no understanding of growing into being a full human being, no chance to be a child or young woman.

Being abused before entering the sex trade is so common, that it is a shock to me when a prostitute cannot remember at least one rape before being in the sex trade, at least some grooming into the sex trade, at least knowing neglect and lack of love from those who should have cared for them, or being made through friends or the media that their only worth was to be a sex object.

Prostitutes are made by violence, neglect and hate – they do not grow on trees.

In that environment, to be sub-human is the only way to survive. To be emotionally dead means that if a prostitute is very lucky she may survive, and with great luck hang on to her sanity.

There the level of what must not be truly known to somehow survive. What must can be remembered later – but push firmly away in the subconscious mind until she is safe enough to know her own reality.

It cannot be known what it is to have your fuck by so many punters, that the mind feels like a nuclear bomb is smashing all counting if you try to get some kind of linear line of how many own you.

Counting punters is to count how many times you were raped, is to count how many times your body was used as an experiment in sexual pain without actual death, is to count how times punters threaten to kill you and then said only joking,  is to count when being gang-raped again some of guess how many penises are stopping you from breathing.

There can no peace in knowing how many punters were inside my body – only prayers and determination to get them out of my mind.

All I know is I was raped so often that it became my norm, I was raped so much that I cannot understand the language of rape.

All I know that being gang-raped so often makes the numbers in me have no relevant – it just violence and hate which for teenage years and my 20’s meant I forgot that I could be human.

I lost being human – as my routine was anal rape, was being swallow penises till I fainted or was sick, being yelled at and beaten.

I lost being human – as I was moved from city to city, as I was moved working from flats to being in sex clubs, as I went from brothels to escorting – I just was goods with different labels.

There is nothing human left when deeply embedded in prostitution – it is slavery, for what else takes away all human rights to safety, takes away all human rights to not be degraded, takes ways all human rights to having an authentic voice.

I hope this is the beginning of understanding the many level that the prostituted class are made sub-human.

Rise them all up to the simple level of being a full human – that would the greatest thing we could all do.

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8 responses to “On Being Sub-Human

  1. Dear one, I cannot fathom the depth of your pain and the deadness you are working so hard to unpack and lift out of your soul. My heart is heavy and burdened for days after I read your posts. I work it out in the love and encouragement I give first hand to the young exited teens I work with. How I wish you had been one of them. I can’t help crying as I read your words, and for those girls STILL out there – dying to their dignity and worth as young women every day. AND IT MAKES ME SO MAD THEY ARE STILL OUT THERE BEING BOUGHT BY OUR MEN. But maybe one girl will never go back to deadness, to “dog-ness” and that is one victory worth everything I have to give. Your words keep me fighting for the remainder of their childhood. I encourage you, I value you and I see you coming so alive again that you will amaze yourself. You inspire me to push forward out of my own “dirt” and bloom for the purpose of helping others get their lives back. You are a most precious and valuable women and I love to hear from you. I hope this helps you, knowing others are being awakened to reality and are now walking with you in spirit- sharing the burden of your grief – hoping to help you carry and release your pain. It matters to me so much that you keep writing on your blog. You are changing lives – we are all connected and I am pulling for you, dear.

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  2. You are awakening the world with your direct, soul-rendering truths. Your words have rearranged my worldview and caused me to marvel at your very deep compassion. No matter how you have suffered at the hands of soulless monsters (who are more common than most want to believe to be the case), you remain dedicated to educating others in order to save hundreds of thousands, perhaps millions of women and girls still being sacrificed to around the world.
    Perhaps some considered you sub-human—and even tried to get you to agree—yet, what is more deeply human than your profound compassion? Isn’t that what spiritual seekers have spent entire lifetimes seeking to attain?
    I value your words, your wisdom. I admire your gutsy, raw clarity, it has helped guide me as an activist. Yet, above all, your compassion and dire pleas for those still suffering and dying are the essential “Rebecca-ness” that make you such an extraordinary and special woman. Thank you, thank you, thank you for our huge contribution, dear soul. XO

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  3. This post must have been frightening to write because it was frightening to read. In black and white, you described genocide… The normalised violence and torture, losing solid ground in place you might have called home, the unrelenting routine of faceless violence with no space for breathing… Yes this is your strongest post and I cannot help but think of the women in this space, robbed of life, dreams and what you said earlier, a chance to grow. And I feel deep guilt for this, for not fighting harder, for not questioning harder. I really hope you are doing ok because I know you sacrifice a lot for your writing xoxox

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  4. Each one of your brilliant posts deepens my understanding of sexual slavery.

    I experience you as fully human, more human than some of us in that your humanity and understanding of the world is so deep, raw and real. You are definitely helping me to better understand the experience of prostitution and its effect on women more so than any academic paper or scientific study – these things are too sterile and removed to ever begin to capture the essence of the actual experience as you do with your words which are like Truth bullets.

    I realize that your blog can only give me a surface understanding of the prostitution experience, but it is a deep and radically real one and I thank you and other exited women so much for taking the time and energy to do this. If any mental health professionals want to understand severe trauma, they should talk with and read exited women’s blogs, it is the best form of education from true experts.

    I dream of a world where trauma is non-existent and safety is a basic fact of life. I also think a lot about the psychology of the punters to try to understand how it is that they get pleasure from degrading and inflicting violence on women so savagely –does it all start and stop with porn? I am trying to understand the mind of the predator so as to learn how to prevent/intervene in their sickness. You’ve written before about how these men think, and I was wondering if you plan on doing more of this?

    Wishing you much peace and health.

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  5. p.s. It seems to me that the pimps and punters are the sub-human ones because no human being treats others the way they treat prostituted women and girs. One of my heroes, John Trudell, who is a Native American activist and artist, describes colonists in this way, which I think also applies to pimps, punters and the prostituted:

    “They can’t see us as human beings. But they can’t see themselves as human beings. The invisibility is at every level, it’s not just that we’re tucked away out of sight. We’re the evidence of the crime. They can’t deal with the reality of who we are because then they have to deal with the reality of what they have done. If they deal with the reality of who we are, they have to deal with the reality of who they aren’t.” He also says “We can’t out-fight them, but we can out-think them.” which is where my question about punter & pimp mentality comes from.

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  6. Thanks everyone for your very moving comments.
    Susan 1 – thanks so much for rooting for me. I am proud to be an example of how it was to be prostituted as a young woman.
    Terre – thanks so much.
    Susan – It is genocide, thanks for being clear about that.
    Healing Thru Words – I may write some time again about punters and profiteers, but my healing comes first.

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  7. Absolutely you and your healing come first! I value and learn from every single post you write and I thank you for sharing yourself and your thoughts. 🙂

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