Writing to the Blank

I have hit a blank – a blank of fear and grief.

Words cannot fall on the page, so I will write to my blank and see what happens.

I have waking up into deep sadness, waking into a blank of terror of knowing too much for words to fit what I am thinking.

I was a Whore – I write now to the meaning of that, the meaning that leaves me so blank.

A saying that leaves an open wound, a wound that refuses to heal –

Once a whore, always a whore.

I know this to be true – and it silences me when I cannot write.

I am very proud of this blog and all the work I do because of it – but sometimes I bloody of dragging round that I was prostituted, that now I have become the role of the exited woman.

It is a role I can do, it is a role that I am proud and very honoured to do – but it is a role where I am terrified of losing myself in.

I am scared I will never know or find who I really am – am I ever more than the role of the Whore whether exited or not?

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3 responses to “Writing to the Blank

  1. I’m not gonna claim that I can fully understand how you feel, I went through hard times myself, but I wasn’t hurt by others like you. It is very good for you to write about your experiences but sometimes you need to take a break and detach… you are not your past… you are now and for me u r an excellent writer and very brave to share your story. ?My sister went through a lot of pain while being trafficked and she did so much to fight against it… but now it is my turn to take a stand as a brother and fight this biggest issue in our fucked up society..
    now, just to share what I started doing recently when I need some calm and peace… I go to the first tree and I stand connected to it for 5min just focusing on the tree and it’s power and we talk and I always get an insight…
    yours truthfully,

    muppetofaman

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  2. I know somwhat how you feel. I know the feeling and the pain of that phrase, “Once a whore, Always a whore”. I actually branded the word onto my leg because of that phrase and how it made me feel. And I know your fear of never finding who I am, or finding my true identity, forced to live my life as the slave or whore. It’s a truly terrifying thought, but, I know there’s more to me than my past, and I know there’s more to you too, and you will find those things, I know you will. Gentle, caring hugs to you.

    XX

    And mupperofaman, thank you for that tip! I’m going to try that!

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  3. You are a human being being human first and foremost, with hopes, dreams, fears and talents, just like anyone else. It takes some people longer than others to discover who they are, and this culture doesn’t help in nurturing Self-discovery, so we have to make space for it ourselves. I understand a bit what it’s like to struggle with identity when others have inflicted and imposed themselves on me from a young, innocent age; we can only be patient and gentle with ourselves to allow the Inner Me to come out from the shadows and get to know her. She’s there, she always has been, it was just unsafe for her to come out for a long time. I see prostituted women, exited and non, as more than whores and not really whores at all when I think it through, because that label (and what comes with it) was also imposed and inflicted upon you and other women, not something fully and freely chosen. Don’t let your past and punters’ and pimps’ limited imaginations and humanity define you, because you’re much more than that.

    All the best to you,
    Natasha

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