Empty Mind

I think one way I survive my life is by having the ability to think nothing – not having a clear mind, but to empty it of all thoughts, all memories and all feelings.

This is not a good thing, it is learnt behaviour from so far back, I do not want to know when it begun.

It may have begun as I was a baby and I had to stop crying, for all that happened was the door was shut and all lights were turn off.

It may of continue as I fall over – cutting my knee open and making it green with poison from a stone, and I ignored it.

It certainly continue as a young girl when I was shown Hustler, photos from rape/murder scenes – and learnt to look without seeing.

It went on as bedtime stories were passages from Lolita, Marquis de Sade, recordings of the Moors Murders. I learnt to close down nightmares.

It went on and on as my stepdad increased his sexual ownership of my mind and body. He owned all my skin, my cunt, my mouth, my hand and my essence – so all that was left was to empty my mind.

All this was before I was prostituted – all this made me into the robot who had given up on caring, so was perfect to be a whore.

I deeply believe that the prostituted come all backgrounds – but all too often for far too many of the prostituted  there is a common thread – is that they were made emotionally dead even before the sex trade got hold of them.

This is never for simple one or two reasons for this, most women and girls that get trapped inside the sex have multiple reasons to close themselves down.

It is not just simple poverty – for the majority of females in poverty do not become prostituted, unless they live in an environment where the sex trade profiteers are trawling for more goods. This normally is in communities that are neglected or despised by those in authority – communities that are made throwaway.

It is not a simple linear line from child sexual abuse to the sex trade – many girls who were abused do not enter the sex trade – although there are many of the prostituted who were abused as girls. But there many prostitutes and other women inside the sex trade who came from happy homes. Do not make them invisible.

It not a simple connection to being a druggie – most women and girls who do take drugs only do so to deaden reality, many are not addicts for if they are given the chance to exit, they find with real help and support, drugs are not part of them. Drugs are used to control and silenced the prostituted, so it is more common that drugs are given after she is trapped in the sex trade – not that she enter the sex trade to feed a drug habit.

All this is of little of no relevance when you view the sex trade and it’s consumers with a clear eye.

It is of no relevant how or even why the prostitute got to be where she is or was – for that makes out she has some control over what happens, for that comes from the assumption that viewed as an individual not as goods.

If you make the choice to focus on the individual prostitute, you are being played by the sex trade – it is the game of making the profiteers and punters invisible, the game of saying it all the fault of the insatiable whore.

The focus should be firmly on the male demand, the male greed, the male lies that feed that greed, the male profits – heck it men that make there is nothing wrong with the sex trade, or may say it may be bad but better keep it coz other men like it.

I have never met a woman or girl inside or exited the sex trade who had control over whether the punters made the choice to beat her, to rape her, to torture – we all lived with the knowledge that a punter could kill us anytime, and it would be made a non-event.

We lived with the shadows of the prostituted women and girls that never reach the exit – they are always part of our blood.

But the sex trade and it’s allies spent endless hours and money creating the myth, that the prostituted women and girls brings all this violence and hate onto themselves.

It is said – prostitutes just like violent sex, they have different pain thresholds, they just love servicing all male porn fantasies.

It is said – that if say it was rape, we just did not have the right temperament for the sex trade, we were weak, we were too damaged before entering the sex trade, we were deluded.

All this language is reminder that prostitutes are never given the right to be human, they are just goods.

There is no acknowledgement  that is no-one is forcing punters to rape, beat up, torture and murder the prostituted class.

No acknowledgement that the punters usually plan and make a conscious decision to buy or consume the sex trade – in the full knowledge that they have complete power and control, and they can any or consume any violence against the prostituted without consequences.

No man buys a prostitute by accident, and all punters can walk away at any time without raping, torturing, beating or murdering.

So when the punter is violent, when he is making the choice to pay to rape – it is his full responsibility.

Why do want to see the prostitute as enticing the punters? Why do you need the myth of the controlling whore?

Could it be that you cannot bear to see the human in every prostitute?

No wonder I survived by emptying my mind – the pain that so many view the prostituted as sub-humans is unbearable.

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2 responses to “Empty Mind

  1. “Why do want to see the prostitute as enticing the punters? Why do you need the myth of the controlling whore?”

    Yes, Why?! This reminds me of a reality show I used to watch called Starting Over where 6 women lived in a house with 2 life coaches and were there to start their lives over again, healthier, etc. One woman in her early 20’s revealed to one of the coaches, Iyanla Vanzant (a renowned Spiritual counselor/therapist), that she was in the sex trade, and Iyanla’s reaction was to put it ALL on the woman. Iyanla said to her that she obviously had SO much power in order to engage/entice men this way and made the men out to be such innocent, powerless, intoxicated-by-her-beauty victims. A small example of the big picture you speak of, and unfortunate that such a public voice was promoting the myth.

    For non-prostituted women to believe the myth, I think part of it is the cultural dividing of women against eachother where we’re expected & taught to compete with eachother (for men) and to always be suspicious of eachother. I think you’re right about the not bearing to see the human in every prostitute for men, because if they saw the human in her they couldn’t do the things they do, so they have to block their humanness to punt, and the women in turn have to block their humanness to survive the whole ordeal.

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  2. This isn’t just emptying your mind. It’s classic diassociation, a technique often used by folks experienceing severe or chronic trauma. There are sections of my life that are a blank too, for reasons I can only dimly reconstruct at this point.

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