I am finding writing very hard, for my pain and grief is very terrible.
I could joke that is my football team Arsenal are such rubbish, I could joke it is just self-indulgent self-pity.
I would joke if it would hide the tears and agony that I have. Only I cannot laugh even to myself.
I could watch TV till my ears bleed, I could turn up my music so loud and dance hoping to forget, I could go out and walk myself to exhaustion.
But I know none of that works, for I can never run away from myself.
So instead, I turn to writing, to finding a kind of expression – to digging deeper and finding peace with my tortured prostituted self.
That is the centre of my pain and grief – I have could to accept that I, and the majority of the prostituted class, were or are being tortured.
It is torturing on a scale that explores my mind, it is a torturing that has been made acceptable for the vast majority of human existence.
The torturing of the prostituted is in every continent, in every city, it is more than in your street.
The prostituted who were or are being tortured are from any culture, any class, any background – though the targeted are mainly poor women, abused girls from all backgrounds, ethic minorities, indigenous girls and women.
But those who profiteer from torturing the prostituted will target any woman or girl to feed the demand for endless variety and yet more money.
The men that tortured the prostituted will ignore or get their kicks from any signs she is vulnerable – be it signs of any addiction, be it injuries on her body, be her need for the money, be it that violent pimps are close by.
The torturing of the prostituted has been so normal for so many centuries and across so many cultures – that it is has been made invisible or re-branded as male leisure.
Well, I dig deeper into what torture means to me.
Torture on the scale that it was done to me and to the majority of the prostituted leads to having fragmented memory.
This is for many varied reasons. But two reasons are common for the prostituted.
Our mind find it hard to hold on to the “unspeakable” sexual acts that punters choose to do to us.
We were made into goods that those men place all their hate-fueled porn dreams into.
Porn is no fantasy to the prostituted class – we have the close impossible sex acts of mainstream porn poured into our minds and bodies.
Some of you reading this blog may close away porn as fantasy, that as fantasy it can be made harm-free and a release for men.
You may see or know of porn, and think that must be impossible without pain or danger.
Well, my body is full of those sex acts. Those impossible acts are forced into the bodies of the prostituted on the street, in cars, in hotels, in flats, in brothels and wherever else punters know they can torture without consequences.
Pain is beyond feelings or language – when your norm is being choked as fists, objects and penises are too deep down your throat; when your norm is anal rape with no warning, with god know what in there; when being strangled is so regular is become unimportant; when being raped as drowning is just another game.
Porn and prostitution feed off each other – that is the knowledge inside every exited woman, it is inside our skin.
So dig deeper.
Let yourself imagine what it is to be a long-term prostitute.
Imagine that you are rape so often, that you lose the language of that your body belongs to you, that you have no idea what consent means.
To be a prostitute is to have no access to the freedom to say no.
The second major reason for having fragmented memory, is that most torture for the prostituted is repeated many many times.
That endless repeating is survived by not remembering as separate events, but remembering it as one event and then closing down.
Punters may think they are inventive in how they torture the prostitute, may imagine that they are highly original – they are not, for in the end it is limited what you do to the female body.
Yes, many punters pushed the bodies and minds of the prostituted to the point of death, yes, often actually punters kill the prostitute.
But all forms of torturing the prostituted were used up many centuries ago – all that has changed is what technology is used to be part of torture.
But all ways to torture are mostly focused on finding and destroying every hole in the prostitute’s body, in doing everything possible to wreck her throat, in destroying and conquering her vagina and anus, in making her polluted by his porn dream, in controlling every cell of her body – and hopefully her freedom to have thoughts of her own.
That is how punters and profiteers view the prostituted – and that is the foundations of prostitution since it was invented.
So it not surprising prostitution repeats itself.
I have dug deep enough for now.