Broken Doll

I am mending every day, every moment of every day.

But there was so much broken by prostitution – it has hard to believe I ever be fully mended and whole.

There are too many holes, too many deep scars, too many times I have trauma without knowing the full root of how it came into me.

When a prostitute, I was made into a living doll – a doll that was smashed into a million pieces and then re-molded to appear new again.

When I was prostituted, I was barred from access to being fully human.

I like millions, and throughout all centuries – was made that living doll name the Whore.

The Whore-Doll is not allowed pain, not allowed authentic emotions, not allowed a past or a future.

She has no live outside the eyes of the sex trade profiteers and punters.

All else is darkness and pointless.

To be the Whore-Doll is close down thought, close down access to hope and joy, close down knowing that you have a skin.

I view that time even now with a sense of the surreal.

How can I make real what I had to destroy or make nothing in order to somehow survive?

I tried so many ways.

I tried by comparing to other methods of male violence. I tried but it never seemed to fit the hugeness or the deadness.

I tried saying it was just multiple rapes, rapes on an industrial scale.

But always that felt inadequate, like a language that made no sense to my prostitute’s soul.

I speak in silence to my broken Whore-Doll, speak to her on rape – and see her blank stare.

She has no understanding of the language of rape – rape is what occurs to the non-prostituted, rape is not occurring all the time and in any place.

She cannot know rape as punters and the sex trade make her know it all she is good for, it is her job.

She knows if she said the word rape to outsiders, they see the money, see it a “business exchange”, and see it is her norm – and everyone turns away from the prostitute in the search for a more worthy victim.

Rape is so inadequate for the reality of being the Whore-Doll.

No – forget the language of rape, speak to the language of torture, speak to the language of atrocity, and speak into the language of the genocide of the prostituted class.

Then you may be making a start to open up words and emotions to what it to be the Whore-Doll being constantly broken.

To speak and hear the reality of that world, we must have a language that is visceral, a language that speak directly into our silences and gaps.

We must do less detachment, fewer statistics and academia, less speaking to all “experts” except the real experts – exited women.

We must allow in the visceral, or there can never be real and permanent change that is the building blocks to abolition of the sex trade.

For if it never truly know what it is to in the skin of being inside the prostituted class, we will always be re-inventing the wheel of abolition.

For most centuries, the prostituted class have screamed, spoken out and written that it is torture and genocide.

But always the multiple voices, multiple images, multiple records left by the prostituted class are erased or re-written by the sex trade.

I believe we are at an important time, a time we must and have to grab – a time where slowly, with great courage and determination, exited women are reaching to each other and demanding their multiple voices are not just heard – but that to be given leadership in the abolition movement.

I know this is real – for each day the sex trade lobby and its cronies attack exited women who raise their heads in the public arena.

We must change the course of history by allowing exited women leadership – and not go back to the same old patterns of speaking for, speaking over or erasing their multiple voices.

I fear that many allies are holding back exited women, or making artificial barriers to prevent our leadership.

There is the veneer of listening to exiting women, but only if we speak to the pre-conceived scripts of our allies.

Trafficking language is a classic example of this.

For many exited women, we cannot understand or know the artificial divisions between trafficking and prostitution.

For us, all prostitution has the conditions of trafficking.

No prostitute has true freedom to walk away, no prostitute has access to the language of consent.

Most prostitutes are moved from one aspect of the sex trade to another, whether from country to country or from one street to another street.

Trafficking language is used and abused to say that only some prostitution is “forced”, and all the rest must be freely chosen and so can be ignored.

There is the language that places prostitution along with a continuum of male violence – only to always to leave the prostituted class abandoned as too hard to deal with.

This language is helpful when there is no genocide of the prostituted class – it is helpful when prostitutes are not killed 18 times mores than any other group of women, it is helpful when sexual torture is not the prostitute’s norm.

Then we can speak into theory and academia – but now as you speak and debate and label – there is a massacre going on nearby you.

Everyday, the prostituted lived inside torture, live in the environment of horror and lack of hope – debates do little to stop that blood.

We do not need to debate whether the sex trade is good or not – we need to be saving lives and building a real future for the prostituted class.

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7 responses to “Broken Doll

  1. Bra-fucking-vo!! Another absolutely brilliant post. You may have been a broken, silenced doll back then, but there is nothing dead or doll-like about your brave voice so on fire with Truth.

    Exactly @ what nuclearnight said —> there is nothing to debate! And much ignorance and inhumanity to get through, which I think viscerally is the only way TO do it, because academia/science and its “theories” are sterile and too removed FROM humanness, and why it’s no surprise this language is used by the pro lobbyists. Exited voices are SO valuable and needed and RESPECTED by this ally.

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  2. Reblogged this on Feminism — The Other "F" Word and commented:
    Language not only conveys thought, but creates fact. I’ve said this a thousand times and I will KEEP saying it until everybody “gets it”: The language of abolition is the language of inalienable, universal human rights. If anyone has difficulty with wrapping their head around the definitions of the words “inalienable” and “universal”, please confer with the Oxford English or Merriam Webster’s Collegiate dictionaries. The appropriate language for describing the sex trade and survivors is NOT the language of dismissive sanitized, watered down cold detachment. Maybe class-privileged academics have the luxury and privilege of being able to detach themselves and walk away because they don’t have to live in that hell with no way out and no end in sight, but for those of us who escaped sexual exploitation hell, we don’t have that luxury and privilege. Not when those of us who survived and managed to exit—often with NO help from anyone on the outside, mind you—continue to suffer further marginalization, total social exclusion and the utter destitution and isolation that often comes with all that because of the stigma foisted upon us, the CRIME VICTIMS, for the deeds of PERPETRATORS that constitute crimes against humanity.

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  3. I applaud your ability to make yourself vulnerable about what you lived, even though in some ways I’ll never know that surreality you speak of.

    My only hope is that I can educate myself enough that in whatever small way, I can help make sure that fewer girls grow up knowing what it’s like.

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