I have not been able to write, and I not sure if I can write now.
I will to the grief that is blocking me and see where it takes me – I will write closing my need want order.
For to be prostituted is to know chaos without end, a chaos that as an exited woman I spent every day attempting to hide – to hide from my own essence.
I lived in chaos, chaos ruled as struggle to want to live as a prostitute.
Always with this blog, with my speaking and with deep friendships – I attempt to make order out of that chaos.
But always, there is a crying – a silent endless crying saying that order is pushing out too parts of my prostituted essence.
I still run away from my essence – I still cannot gaze down into my own void.
I have to stop enough to know grief – which is why I had to stop or slow down my writing.
I may never truly know tears, may never sob – but I will know and touch, even hold grief.
I will grieve what I lost, I will grieve what was stolen from me, I will grieve my confusion, I will grieve my pain, and I grieve my grief.
I will grieve for in grieving and I becoming a full human.
I can say with my warrior-spirit that the truly strong are those who stare into their pasts and know it in the round.
The truly strong know that being vulnerable is to be fully human.
The truly strong can stop fighting and try to grieve why they have to fight.
My warrior-spirit sees and knows how my childhood, my adolescence and young adulthood was stolen from – and weeps in pain that it was impossible to replace.
I cannot know how it was to be a child with wonder, I cannot be that teenager who learns from her own mistakes – I had idea how to be that, though I try to copy others round me.
I grieve that joy was stolen far too young.
I grieve that too young eyes and ears knew porn, knew sex was pain, knew sex would kill if you did not stay silent and still.
I grieve how early I learnt to hate those who were meant to be the ones I loved.
God, I grieve for my child who try so hard to make order in a world where she had no power.
I grieve how she learnt too young to close down visual memory, close down thoughts of another world without abuse, close down hope.
I grieve how early she was able never to cry, never to show pain, never to be fully alive.
I grieve that she so soon decided death was her only real friend.
That is no childhood.
But mostly all my deep grief is for my prostituted soul – I cry for her as others make her invisible.
There is no end to the sorrow I have not just for my personal experiences of prostitution – but my sorrow cannot end till all the prostituted are made free.
For to understand what it was and is to be prostituted is to know all the prostituted are interconnected, and that all the violence done to the prostituted is never personal.
Nothing personal when to be a prostitute is to be made goods, to lose what it is to be human, to be made nothing.
That is a grief that most will refuse to know.
To punters and sex trade profiteers – all the prostituted are interchangeable.
They do not see the human with dreams, with a childhood or a future, with ideas outside the moment they are being consumed.
To be a prostitute, is to not exist except as the porn-dreams of those who want make you dirt.
That is a part of the grief without end.
I knew I had no existence to punters – only the existence of their anger, their sense of shame, their need to control, their desperation to prove they were a man.
I had no existence as they ignored or enjoyed my pain.
I had no existence as they wanted me to be young, place themselves as my conquerors taking my innocence.
I had no existence as they experimented on my body sadist sex, or gang-rapes – on occasions my only link to some existence was the film they had of my slow death.
My existence was drowned in drink, was covered by toughness, was destroyed by refusing to sleep.
I could not exist for to exist was to know and feel I was living inside torture.
That is what it is to be prostituted.
That is our deep grief, or a very small part of it.
That is why we fight for abolition – for justice is the only true cure for such grief.