I have always known that being an abolitionist was never a choice, it was always made by my history, it was part of the good side of my family.
Abolition is not a choice, it has become a mission to me.
To an abolitionist, is to more than rational and inside the head for why there must be real change.
Abolition comes from the heart, from the guts, from remembering what others want to forget.
Abolition is never easy – abolition must include pain, must include grief, must know confusion.
For from that pain, grief and confusion we see the truth of the callousness of the structure of the sex trade.
We must see the structure of the sex trade with eyes that are clear, a heart that is able to feel, guts that hold our sickness and despair – than we can let the mind discover ways to build a route to real change.
In this post, I am writing to my personal route to being strong enough to feel enough to be an abolitionist.
It was and is a very difficult journey – and every day I can hit a wall of grief and wanting to be empty of human emotions – but I am growing to allow in the past without fear.
I come from a family on my father’s side that have always fought for human rights – I have a background of seeing beyond your own narrow life.
I always knew there was injustice, always knew that good people could be destroyed for no reason but greed or wanting them out of the way.
I was taught to have respect and would get respect back – and if others made the choice to toss away your respect, you did not to understand, just if possible get them out of your life.
I was taught not to judge someone by how they looked, where they came, what culture made them – but talk to them first, and decide whether you like them or not.
I was taught that those who make the choice to oppress will not and do not change by the oppressed being nice and begging for some equality.
No, we must fight and demand justice, we must make the oppressor know they are to be punished and we must demand a real change.
You do not get oppressors to change by looking for them to be suddenly transformed – no, real change comes when the oppressed are enough of a force that they can no longer be ignored.
I learnt that slowly, and for most of my life I could not even imagine any change to make the prostituted truly free.
There were many events and ideas that drip-fed my belief there could hope and change for the prostituted.
None of these changes came easy – all came with falling back into denial, all came with wanting to block all thoughts – most of time I was drowning in drink, refusing to sleep, and having more sadist sexual violence done to my body.
I wanted and needed change, but for too many years I could see it as a reality.
I had been destroyed and brainwashed to think no-one could or would care if the prostituted were dead or alive.
I had come to believe I was nothing, if I was something I deserved everything that was slowly killing me.
I could know I was being raped, I could not know I was being tortured, I could not know how many times I nearly died – I could see what was straight in front of me.
This deep denial is the only way to somehow to survive long-term prostitution – deep denial that you are in conditions of the enslaved, deep denial that you have no access to the language of consent, deep denial that any prostitute at any time and in any place come be made to disappear.
Tell me how else can any prostitute can survive without being inside this deep denial.
How would you survive with constant rapes without going into deep denial – how would you survive never knowing when a punter will be violent or not without being in deep denial – and tell me would you know you are no longer human but goods?
Exiting prostitution is terrifying for it is a slow progress to unravel that deep denial.
It is a slow progress to know your own truths, slow progress to shred the guilt and self-hate.
It is a slow progress to see and know you had no real choices, no access to real freedom, and to know how much you were lied to.
To know you have been stripped of access to real choices is deeply devastating – it is seen with sudden clarity how effective the sex trade was and is at stripping away all humanity from the prostituted.
There cannot be access to real choice when your only purpose is to be brought and sold as sexual goods.
There cannot be access to real choice when all punters know just by buying any type of prostitute that he owns her – and she cannot say no, for he can force her without any consequences.
Heck, there cannot be access to real choice when every prostitute lives in an environment where murder is made ordinary – an environment where women and girls are made to disappear, and it not made news.
I became an abolitionist, because I got too used to death and disappearances – I made myself harden to that norm.
Goddamnit – we must have abolition because it should never normal for any people to accept that the mass of them will just be made to disappear, or live with high rates of murders.
I remember so many that not be here – but it their spirits which are the foundations of fighting for abolition.
There are the murdered prostituted – those who may know of who were toss away by serial killers, but also the too many we do not know, who were by punters one by one, those who pimps/profiteers murdered for being used up or troublemakers and their bodies made to disappear.
There are far many of the prostituted who had no exit but taking their own lives – in my opinion, this is murder by proxy, from the industry that made inhuman, from the many punters who made her hate her existence, and from those who pass by the prostituted.
There are far too many prostituted who may died from internal injuries or long-term sexual diseases. Often, they may died when they have finally reach a place of freedom and are knowing joy.
I am an abolition for all the prostituted who could not make it – for they and I want a world where no-one has to live in that fear and without access to their own humanity.