Dedicated to the women who have stood by me as I arise from my personal hell.
This post is written from a deep place, a place that I am afraid of, a place where human language is inadequate – the place of the depth of what it was to be tortured as a prostitute.
I want to speak to that torture – for torture is the norm for the vast majority of the prostituted everywhere and throughout all human history.
My individual torturing was just a grain of sand inside the sex trade – as each and every day millions of the prostituted are living with torture now, and will do so in the future, if we do not fully wake up to this human rights crime.
It is torture, it is a genocide – to make it any less, is to betrayed the prostituted class and allow the sex trade to thrive.
I want to enter what my mind can remember, I want to use my tortures as an example. use my past to shout no more.
I was very triggered last week, by someone telling me that if the prostituted was stronger and learnt self-defence, then it would put off pimps and punters from treating us like trash.
This is so wrong, and had no understanding of what it is to be living inside extreme mental, physical and sexual torture as your norm.
It trigger the screaming in my head, a scream that remember thinking I should have or could have defended myself from all the male hate and violence that was my every day.
With hindsight, the hindsight of being inside a stable, secure and safe life now – I can imagine or dream that self-defence would have made some difference.
But the screaming of my heart, the sickness inside of my stomach and tears that will not come – tell me hindsight is a liar.
When I can hardly breathe, I remember what self-defence meant in reality.
First, I want you to be very clear it almost impossible to defend yourself if you have no Self to defend.
To be a prostitute, is to have no Self – it is to lose being a human, and becoming a commodity that is used over and over till it is thrown away.
To survive prostitution, is to learn not to care for your Self, to be as detached from being human as possible.
To be a prostitute is to become nothing – so there is nothing to defend.
In all human torturing, the purpose is to make other human into nothing, with no will left.
Do you imagine self-defence would have stop Pol Pot, or save the majority inside concentration camps, or helps women much in domestic violence, or children being sexually abused?
But it is ok to “advice” the prostituted to learn self-defence, and ignore that the sex trade is structured to keep the prostituted without access to their own power or routes to full safety.
In the reality of being inside the sex trade, self-defence can be highly dangerous.
It is dangerous because it reminds the pimps and punters that the prostitute has not been utterly broken down – that she still has glimpses of what it is to be human left.
Being human whilst still prostituted is to be in constant danger – there should no light in your eye, no thoughts that cannot be controlled, and certainly no desire to defend yourself.
To defend yourself is to say it is rape, is say it is battery, to say it is torture, to say it could be murder – that is unacceptable for a prostitute to know.
All I know, I had to learn the most unnatural feelings – not to defend myself when in pain, when in fear of being killed.
I learnt that to be a prostitute – I had no right to fear, no right to know pain, and no right to have a Self.
Like the vast majority of the prostituted, I learnt to stop caring the hard way – for it human instinct to defend yourself by all means when death is near.
But you cannot defend yourself when there is no hope, and violence only increases if you are too human.
I remember when I first defended myself.
I was just entering the sex trade, I thought I knew everything, thought I was strong enough for this world, thought I knew what sexual violence was after years of my stepdad abusing me.
I had no idea of the coldness and violence that punters did to the prostituted.
In those early days/nights, a punter wanted to do things that hurt so bad, that i throw him off. I think I kicked him, and expected help.
I was so naive.
That punter did leave – and for a small i was allowed to think I had defended myself.
Only for the pimps to send in several sadistic punters to gang-rape me back into my place.
That is the lesson that too many of the prostituted learn – that to defend yourself is to forced into more violence and made more isolated.
To be prostituted is to never rise your head above the parapet.
I will end for now, as my heart is breaking.