Nowhere to Hide

Ok this title is coz I am listening to Northern Soul, and Martha and the Vandellas is playing.

But this song’s title suits my mood – nowhere to run to, nowhere to hide.

That is what living with being a prostitute is – sometime the bitter expression –

Once a prostitute, always a prostitute –

Grabs me by the throat and makes believe in optimism very hard.

At heart, I tend to a fighter – a fighter that believes there will and can be real change for all the prostituted.

But there are times when my warrior spirit see only deadness, sees that light I thought was hope is just an oncoming train.

Hope is so fragile, and when you have lived without hope or knowing a future – it can be too easy to lose access to hope.

I have not writing for a while, for I have a fear to write when I feel no hope, when I reach into that place where I see only despair.

I cannot write for I want this blog to give hope and some way to freedom.

But to truly see the light, we must know the darkness we must leave.

We cannot hide from that darkness – if we try to run away it will suffocate our access to freedom and a future.

So in this post, I will try to face the demons of my past, try to expose them to the light. It may make little difference – but may give greater understanding of what being prostituted is.

I have been exited for many years – and the further I get from the sex trade, the more I am able to know that I was tortured, and the more I get horrific body memories.

My body memories tell it was real, that I was inside a machine that made me into goods, that I was unable to cause or stop all that was happening to my body and mind.

To know you had no control, no access to consent, no human rights – hell no right to be fully human – that is unbearable to know.

Yes, I can often write that the prostituted are made into goods and considered to be sub-human – but to know in body and mind, that it was my reality, that is unbearable.

To know that my body was not just rape and battered, but was living in an environment where any form of torture was my norm, that is unbearable.

To know in every cell of my body, that rape for me was so normal and constant, that my mind cannot and will not know how many men rape me or how many times I was raped.

I cannot remember for the rapes were so repetitive, I can just remember some particular sadistic acts or vile punters – but I was raped so much it all merges and has no end or beginning.

All I know that as my mind try to know what prostituted was to me – my whole body feel polluted and invaded.

That is when hope runs away and hides.

I cannot cry, for tears were stolen as I try to show punters no emotions.

I want to reach into grief, but cannot let go enough to feel that vulnerability or release.

I grieve because I cannot grieve.

I will more soon, but it so darn hard now.

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7 responses to “Nowhere to Hide

  1. Dear mott62
    I believe you, that your memories must be just unbearable and that you are deeply traumatised with a broken heart and soul. I believe you, that they tried to make a zombie and a piece of flesh out of you. The truth is only: You are not and you will never be subhuman, even if they tried to brake you. You are a female human being who deserves the best. You only belong to god and to yourself. So start giving yourself all that love you have missed for so long!
    Love yourself into the real and strong woman you realy are. Love yourself more, even more, and even more. —Until you sparkel as the bright star you were ment to be.
    Don’t live up to the lies and the pain those fucks forced you to go through, as they thought they are so great and fantastic. They have not the power to demolish or even break you, as you are a spark of god him/herself! Let it show to yourself and the world.
    Start with loving yourself unconditionaly! NOW! Love yourself back to life!

    Know you are god

    Like

  2. Amazing post. I agree with Yvonne, you are such a bright star. I hope you are able to work through the grief and pain somehow and find some peace with things, and I’m sure you do sometimes, this cannot be a permanent state, or is it..? I know it is politically (for now!), but personally, life is so short, you were one of the lucky ones to make it out of prostitution alive; I’m sure your less lucky prostituted sisters would want you to have some peace. I don’t know about you, but I believe in different Spirit worlds, and that this earthly existence is not the be all end all of “Life” (if anything, it is a brief (man-made) hell!) — as such, I feel certain that many missing/dead prostituted women’s Spirits see or feel you in some way, and are very proud of and grateful to you for all your hard and wonderful work. You are an amazing, strong Spirit that will never and should never be forgotten. I am so grateful you are here.

    “All I know that as my mind try to know what prostituted was to me – my whole body feel polluted and invaded.” <———Wow, I feel like this is a billion dollar statement about the essence of the sex trade and what makes it so inherently wrong.

    Much Love & Respect to you!

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  3. I relate to this more than I can even begin to describe. Shifting from existing in one way for so many years, to then trying to re-assimilate into mainstream society and live a “normal” life is so challenging. Especially because we carry the full understanding of prostitution and what it does to the women involved, it makes it almost unbearable to see other people argue that it should be accepted and openly practised, or girls who swear they love the work – their way to get clients, I get it… But the hurtful reminders come every day. As Andrea Dworkin said “No woman gets whole again later”. I and so many others live with the shame, the guilt, the emotional anguish… It never gets erased. It has blurred for me too, but never numbed very much. I still feel like an object. One that has just not worked in a while. I don’t think I’ll ever be anyone else… I’ll never be “me”. I appreciate your posts. Know that you are helping others very much despite opening the hurt up more when talking about it. The cracks are where the light shines in. You are helping me in my journey. Thank you xo

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  4. Dear Mott62

    Andrea Dvorkin who said “No woman gets whole again later” is wrong. You are whole and you always will be, even if you feel so boken and fragmented. Yes, as long as you live in your dreadful memories you will feel only pain, suffering, trauma and fragmented. That is severe Trauma.
    But: YOU are more than your feelings, memories and your trauma. YOU are whole in your essence and in gods love, you are his/her so much loved daughter. So let go the belief in lifelong trauma and fragmentation. NO: You decide if and when you heal or not, and nobody else!

    You are a whole and beautiful female humanbeing and don’t let anybody, (not even yourself) tell you otherwise!

    Like

  5. “No woman gets whole again” reminds me of how John Trudell says that some hurts are too deep, too painful, to get through or “over.” I like to think that the more Love and Respect people get, the more they will heal, since behaviors fueled by severe DISrespect, and major *lack* of love, are what cause the trauma of prostitution in the first place.

    I learn so much here.

    Like

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