I am in extreme pain, as my body remembers what my mind does not want to know.
I believe that this pain is a reminder that it was never small what is done to my body, to the bodies of the prostituted alive or dead.
The mind cannot handle knowing every detail, every torture, every humiliation, every moment when death was so welcoming.
The body holds, contains and only open up to pain when in a place of safety and long-term security.
Heck, the reason I in total agony is coz I rebuilt my whole life away from prostitution.
Yesterday, the doctor deleted from my records that I had gone back into prostitution.
I think I have gone into shock at the very thought I could ever re-enter that so-called life which is death.
Of course, like most survivors of the sex trade I could easily all back into that lie.
Just enough self-hate, more and more bills, more wanting to deaden emotions and access to pain – all that makes is seems an answer.
But I cannot remember what the question was.
Except maybe how do you kill yourself without actually physically dying?
I would never go back into that world again – the world of lies, the world where women just disappear, a world rape is just the norm of the “job”.
I have been in shock and deep agony just at the idea that I could be a prostitute again.
My anus is killing me – but it also giving the strength to know why I would always be an abolitionist no matter what.