Long Road

Being an abolitionist is never easy.

Being an abolitionist and an exited woman is terrifying.

But it is a long hard road where freedom could some reward.

I am writing in sound-bite coz my trauma is so bad that I have re-learn how to write, re-learn to connect my typing to my heart.

I am in pain from old body memories, I having my sleep pattern is all over the place, and I feel like a zombie.

But I try to write in and through trauma – find a place where my words can have some meaning.

Trauma is huge push to being an abolitionist – trauma goes to heart of the unspoken, unknowable hell that is the everyday of prostitution.

Recently, there have brief reports of prostitutes being murdered.

These reports only appear if the media have a way to be sensational – it is reported if there racist or anti-Muslim angle, it is reported if the murdered prostitute is famous or not the type of girl who do such a thing, it is reported if it may be a serial killer.

But the ordinary common mass murders of the prostituted go unreported.

It is too normal that prostitute is murdered, so there is no news in that.

It is through the lens of extreme trauma, I remember and see the truth of the constant murdering of the prostituted.

Trauma remembers that murder was always round the corner in all aspects of prostitution.

Trauma knows that any punter of any belief system, any class, any ethnicity, any culture can at any time and in any place make the choice to just kill the prostitute.

He may kill because he “accidentally” forget about checking if the prostitute is still breathing.

He may kill the prostitute to “release” his guilt, or tell himself he is killing the evil.

He may kill coz he just love the ultimate power of snuffing out life.

He may kill to get rid of the dirt on him.

Or he may just kill in order not to pay and throw the goods that are used.

All I know that the prostituted more often murdered in domestic violence or men in wars.

There is a genocide of the prostituted – and it is allowed to go unnoticed as the vast majority of murders of the prostituted are made invisible and not even made into statistics.

No, we have allowed the sex trade profiteers and punters to make the prostituted just disappear, without any record of their lives or even their names.

There must be trauma for those lucky enough to exit the sex trade – for we all have the empty spaces of the nameless, of those we wanted to love but were too damaged to be fully there.

Each and every person I know who has exited the sex trade, knew that murder was random.

If a prostitute disappear, each and every other prostitute would close down knowing if it is murder, it was never personal, just ridding the world of a whore or throwing away used goods.

I know I was almost murdered three times, and those are just the event that I can remember – but each punter was not murdering me as a human, just killing some random whore.

How do you feel about murder being just throwing out the trash – does it not remind you of any other genocide?

I have learned to forgive myself for the coldness I had when the prostituted disappeared round – I had to be hard for it was just random, and death hang over me every moment I was inside the sex trade.

Trauma is that grief I had to destroy.

It is a grief, that cannot see an end without full justice – a justice that makes each and every murder or disappearance of the prostituted a matter of deep importance.

It is a crisis what is done to the prostituted – but we are told it can wait, it is a small matter for it is decided that the prostituted must have chosen their lifestyle, so should just deal with the consequences.

That is said as the bodies of the prostituted pile high in all cities of the world.

We refuse to see these murders, for we refuse to see how ordinary the murderers are.

We want to believe the murders of the prostituted is done by lunatics or fanatics.

Some may be, but the majority of murders are done by ordinary men who hold down a job, have friends, have a relationship – just a man who think of buying the prostitute in the same as buying a burger.

The punters and sex trade profiteers who were violent to me were from England, Europe, America, Middle East and Africa.

They were white, Asian, Black,

They were atheist, Christians, Muslim, Buddhist.

They were rich and they were poor.

They were just everyman.

The only thing they had in common was that they never saw the prostitute as human.

All I remember there no class of a punter that I would trust, for at any moment he could and would become a sadist, and leave me just remembering to breathe.

I was never safe even though I was always indoors, in the so-called safe aspects of prostitution.

Trauma is natural after that – but it is a long bloody hard road.

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2 responses to “Long Road

  1. You must hate me.

    Well, my family hates me, and most other people I know.

    I am the one who escaped (well, with only abuse when drugged that kind of thing). And I talk. Yes I talk. Including here, because there is nowhere else to talk. I hope you understand why I talk to you.

    I know that some of the stuff I say to you is unbelievably, disgustingly patronising. I hear how patronising it is as I type it. But I can’t apologise for that, I can only hope that you understand why I am talking to you as best I can.

    Yes I totally support abolition but I also support free sex for those who want it, as much free sex as is possible. Abolitionists I have met (the Fawcett Society in Bristol) have crushed me with their righteousness that I have been unable to say to them “Yes, abolish sex for money and go for free healthy life affirming sex, without guilt, shame, secrecy, collusion, religious interference , all that rubbish”.

    I hope I will say it to them in the future.

    Trauma. Yes. If you like reading and analysing, read “Trauma and Recovery” by Judith Lewis Herman. The trauma specialist, Dr Gordon Turnbull, I had two consultations with recommended it. It combines trauma resulting from sexual abuse and trauma resulting from extreme military / warfare horrors. It offers a way of recovery by analysing, going over and over the terrible stuff until it becomes part of your awareness of everyday life, no longer locked away. something like that. I spent a lot of time using the book. It helped me to get back to “normal” while acknowledging all the horrors.

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  2. I forgot to mention an important point re. the book (“Trauma and Recovery” by Judith Lewis Herman). She goes into great detail about primary, secondary, and tertiary PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) trauma. (I write from memory, I may not get this all right.)

    Primary PTSD is of course experienced by those on the immediate receiving end of horror, torture, including experience of “fear of or actual loss of physical integrity of self or others” – the fear should last over one month – there are other pointers to PTSD. (Over an extended period of time – and still ongoing? – I feared my physical integrity had been stolen and denied by everyone around me, and I fought and still fight alone, to assert my identity against all opposition.)

    Secondary and tertiary can be experienced by relatives, onlookers, reporters/record keepers etc who are so, so, so, so, exposed to the horrors, the horrors, the horrors of what does happen to the abused, the prostituted, the tortured, the tortured, the tortured, that they flip, go half mad, cannot go on.

    As well as PTSD it is suggested there can also be PDSD – Prolonged Duress Stress Disorder. I relate to this, going half mad when exposed over and over and over again without support to images and possibilities of horrors, torture, unbelievable levels of abuse. This book helped me survive.

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