No Football Today

I have been watching all the World Cup, as a reward to myself.

In this post, I am writing a record of where I am, and where I come from.

The only solid things in my life have been my love of music, my love of Hollywood era films, and my love of football.

Everything that happens to me, good or bad, were surrounded by those loves.

There were terrible times, when I only survived by attempting to block out those loves, but they were only hidden for later use.

I have no idea how I survived my teens and early 20’s – all I think was how random death was when I was prostituted.

I was nearly killed the minimum of three times, I attempted suicide several time – twice losing several days – and my body collapse on at least a couple of times.

I had no fear of, all I feared was yet more pain and that it would not be quick.

I was already dead each time a punter brought me; already dead as I travel blindly into prostitution; already dead from incest from a young child.

Now, I am coming into life as I listen to party music on Spotify, and wait to watch cricket and Orphan Black.

Now, I let music, sports, films and dramas belong to my growing into life.

Now, I learning to not even imagine waiting to die – heck I always want to watch Arsenal, always some classic film I have seen or want watch again, always another dark drama to enjoy, and always fun on Spotify.

I do not want or need an exciting life – been there and got the t-shirt.

No, I love an uninteresting life.

A life without always having on alert for danger.

A life where I can learn it is ok to trust, whilst still testing to see it is really safe.

A life where I grow into real friendships.

A life where I am stable enough to have a cat.

A life where I may learn to be inside my own skin.

I want a life where violence is just the past.

I want a life where I can think and say this is me – take it or leave it.

Heck, I love having a boring life – the alternative was hell.

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3 responses to “No Football Today

  1. You say:

    “I do not want or need an exciting life – been there and got the t-shirt. No, I love an uninteresting life.”

    You are the only person I know apart from me who says this.

    Me too.

    My loves are gardening, the countryside. Some music but when I was going through the extreme stress I could not listen to music. It was too intense. I can listen to it now.

    When I was going half mad I felt everyI one knew was encouraging me to live a wilder, crazier life. Maybe that was what they wanted, But I didn’t want that. I had grown up in what I thought was a mildly dysfunctional family, only to realize that they were probably crazy, crazy, crazy all that time. Who wants that? I craved normality. Doesn’t everyone? (I don’t know the answer to that.)

    As a result of going through all this stuff I have in recent years developed my own theory that autistic children have been so interfered with / freaked out / overstimulated as babies/toddlers that they cannot relate to ordinary social behaviour. I have never put this theory out to anyone before. I might be wrong.

    But if I am right, well, where are the social workers, the medics, the teachers, the health workers, thepolice and the parents of the autistic children themselves on this? Would they ever consider this as a possibility or are they so snarled up in abusive behaviour that they have to keep shtumm.

    Nobody talking about such stuff. Its really really difficult to talk to others about this. Its as if they just glide past this stuff and their vocabulary and understanding don’t allow for any discussion.

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  2. You two are not the only people who crave an uninteresting life. You can add me in as well. It has taken years for me to get to this point where everyday is not a struggle to even breathe.

    I enjoy gardening and love pulling weeds. Wierd but its true pulling weeds is therapy for me. I look at what I have cleared out and it is inspiring…if not related to who I am and the mess in me.

    I have reconnected with drawing and weaving fabric for sewing clothes. I enjoy tatting. This really fine work is something I learned to do when I saw two other women finding a safe place in their world of pain. Without a word they taught me as well how to find a small focus to keep my sanity. I have a house now after too many years of being a gypsy and I have a campfire frequently in my back yard.

    I have fallen in love with biking and go when ever I can where ever I can. I still bike alone and would like to have someone to bike with but then I am still afraid of having to take care of another person….my nemesis. I love training for long rides and then exploring new places on my bike. I guess that the constant fears of pain and danger has numbed me to the point where I am not afraid to ride alone. When I ride and push myself, explore a new place, stop and take in a beautiful view I am exhilarated beyond words. Perhaps it is that lost child in me that so loves this place of the wind blowing in my face, my legs aching from the uphill push, and the thrill of moving out and away from what surrounds me.

    I am blessed to read the response comment about children being overloaded with too much stimuli….I agree and have not heard any talk about this. Thank you Jacqueline!!!!!

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  3. Naideen – this is such a late response – 12 March 2015 – thankyou so much for this. Keep pulling those weeds – I understand exactly the pleasure in weeding in a garden. Keep cycling. Keep loving places. I acknowledge that I fall in love with places more easily than I fall in love with people, even though yes, I still fall in love occasionally with people.

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