I have been watching all the World Cup, as a reward to myself.
In this post, I am writing a record of where I am, and where I come from.
The only solid things in my life have been my love of music, my love of Hollywood era films, and my love of football.
Everything that happens to me, good or bad, were surrounded by those loves.
There were terrible times, when I only survived by attempting to block out those loves, but they were only hidden for later use.
I have no idea how I survived my teens and early 20’s – all I think was how random death was when I was prostituted.
I was nearly killed the minimum of three times, I attempted suicide several time – twice losing several days – and my body collapse on at least a couple of times.
I had no fear of, all I feared was yet more pain and that it would not be quick.
I was already dead each time a punter brought me; already dead as I travel blindly into prostitution; already dead from incest from a young child.
Now, I am coming into life as I listen to party music on Spotify, and wait to watch cricket and Orphan Black.
Now, I let music, sports, films and dramas belong to my growing into life.
Now, I learning to not even imagine waiting to die – heck I always want to watch Arsenal, always some classic film I have seen or want watch again, always another dark drama to enjoy, and always fun on Spotify.
I do not want or need an exciting life – been there and got the t-shirt.
No, I love an uninteresting life.
A life without always having on alert for danger.
A life where I can learn it is ok to trust, whilst still testing to see it is really safe.
A life where I grow into real friendships.
A life where I am stable enough to have a cat.
A life where I may learn to be inside my own skin.
I want a life where violence is just the past.
I want a life where I can think and say this is me – take it or leave it.
Heck, I love having a boring life – the alternative was hell.