I am finding writing very hard.
It is too full of pain, memories are too raw, fear is too close to the surface.
I am a writer, so I will write however hard – and however much my body resist it.
I write with a warrior-spirit, I write as a witness to all I wish I had no knowledge of.
To be a true is not to be in a place of comfort or ease – to write to the centre of human cruelty is to write as if you are stabbing yourself.
In this post, I will to write about judgement on the major and minor levels as it may affect me and other exited folks.
Judgement comes from all angles – all beliefs and the non-believing, from all classes, from all types of political thinking, from all cultures.
To judge the prostituted is acceptable by nearly all people, going back to a time before human could leave a written record.
The classic judgement come from deep ignorance and the desire to express that the prostituted are sub-human, but in a nice polite way.
This is the old classic myth that all the prostituted have a sub-human sex drive.
This handy myth leads to judgement that the prostituted are sex-crazed, are dragging good men down into sin, are stealing men from decent women.
It is a myth that I detest, and will spend the rest of my life fighting against.
The prostituted class have never had the freedom to own and to control their own sexuality, or even to have the right to say yes or no to certain sexual practices.
The prostituted class are always owned and controlled by the men that buy them, and the profiteers that sell them.
It is the punters and profiteers that create the demand for dangerous sexual practices – and it the prostituted who have their bodies and minds destroyed by that demand.
This sick myth is used to say the victim – that is the prostituted – must be to blame for “forcing” punters to do unspeakable sexual acts – for it is claimed that the prostituted are all insatiable.
On a lighter note, there are the constant minor judgments placed on many exited women, especially if we show any interest in feminism.
We are meant to be perfect feminists or we are not allowed to count.
I am judged for watching sports – a male leisure, where many of the participants or supporters may be punters.
I would say I know that many men who support/play football/rugby/cricket will consume prostitutes.
But then so do male politicians, male actors, male musicians, males in all types of businesses, male students, male religious leaders, male writers, males artists, male comedians, male farmers, and all males in all spheres.
If I was to live in a world not polluted by punters – I would never watch films/TV, never read any books mentioning men, never listen to music, never buy anything in case a punter was part of making or selling it.
I may have to kill myself, if I truly never want to do anything that is contaminated by punters and sex trade profiteers.
Also, this ignorant judgement tends to work on the assumption that exited women are too unintelligent to watch sports/films/read books/listen to music/consume TV, without knowing it should be taken on face-value.
Maybe we do these things as escapism – knowing our extreme trauma may fade, but it will not disappear.
Escapism is not about losing intelligent, it is about resting, about giving yourself back some joy and comfort, about regaining pleasures that may have been stolen from.
All that is vital for all exited prostituted folks – and if you dare to judge our freedom to escape, then spend five minutes inside our trauma and then tell where we are going wrong.
Back to more serious ways the prostituted are continually judged.
We are judged for our lack of emotions, for being cold, being too tough, judge as being cruel or hard-hearted.
In this judgement come the constant that any real harm can be done to the prostituted – after all we are not crying, we do not complain, we took the money/gifts so it must be ok.
Only think about the degree of mental/physical/sexual torturing that is the norm for all the prostituted.
It is normal for a prostituted woman who has been in the sex trade for round three years, to have torture everywhere and to have piece of her body that is not polluted.
This prostituted woman has been raped by hundreds if not thousands of punters.
This prostituted woman is likely to be more round many aspects of the sex trade, usually to more violence and control.
This prostituted woman will live the mental violence of knowing at any time and any place, she could be murdered and her death will made to be invisible.
This prostituted woman will live with physical violence as a norm.
This prostituted woman will have all forms of tortures put into her mind and body – and it just called men having fun.
This is the norm of all aspects of prostitution – no wonder that the prostituted are closed to emotions and the language of saying I hate this.
Torture will silence most humans, but it does not destroy our souls.
It is normal to adapt to long-term torture, by acting as if it is nothing.
Acting tough, never crying, saying you do not need help, being numbed to most of the physical pain, cutting off from knowing your past and not believing you can have a future – all these are normal reactions to long-term torturing.
So instead of judging the prostituted for appearing emotionless – why not celebrate their amazing survival skills and ability to keep part of their humanity safe.
I will end here – exhausted zzzzzzzz