I have no idea why I am alive, when so many of my prostituted Sisters are dead or vanished.
I have no idea if I managed to cling hold onto my sanity, or prostitution succeeded in making my authentic self die.
But, to give me some order into my chaos, I hold on tight to music, football and films.
I have made myself an expert on all three, masking my trauma by hiding into hobbies that have no finish, just new ways of discovering them.
I hold onto these hobbies because they are private, they belong to my soul.
I need music, football and films to build lists, to explore social history, to give joy to my broken body and heart.
I need music, football and films to know I never lost my intelligence, never lost my sense of play, never lost my ability to emote.
You may think music, football and films are trivial – but then you may not know what it is to live inside complex trauma as your norm.
I turn to music, football and films as a balm to my pain, grief and deep confusion.
I want to know I will never reach the end of music, there will always another season of football, and there are so many films wanting for me to watch or see again.
That is my way to become my Self – to be inside my own skin without looking for danger.
I want music, football and films to entertain my brain and heart – I need to think as I watch, but also submerged myself in the moment.
I tend to enjoy popular culture – and get annoyed by smug snobby attitudes to music, football and music.
I listen to all types of music for escape, to be inside a time and place that I want to know, to remember my need for music to ease pain or hide sorrow.
I watch football to be alone with my passion, to follow with joy and frustration my team, and go back to a child who had the freedom to play football.
I watch films mainly classics from 1920 to 1949 to hide in the character and story, I want to see lives or imaginations outside of my trauma.
All this give me laughter, allow me to cry, make it ok to scream, let me see connections, and allows me to be in and outside other lovers of music, football and music.
So do not judge my populist taste in music, football and films – until you have walked in my shoes.