This post is about my detachment from my body, and also about how body memories burst down that detachment.
I am using my experiment not for pity – but as a tiny example of the trauma that exited women have everyday.
To survive prostitution, detachment from pain and emotions is vital – but when exited it can a block on rebuilding our lives.
It can make understanding friendship, how to be loved and love others almost impossible.
It can make understanding human interaction very hard to fathom.
Detachment is a slow killer.
Now I am swimming back to life.
As I struggle to map my way back to my true Self, I get horrific body pain replaying the pain my prostituted Self had to block out.
It makes my work very hard, so I have been forced to slow down for my mengal and physical welfare.
I hope this help my work go deeper and be seeing abolition/trauma from a individual angle.
Trauma is hell, trauma is relentless, trauma is very boring.
But trauma makes me see the past with a clear eye, see my prostituted Self with empathy and love.
In a strange way, trauma is a teacher and a gift.
I found trauma help me discover that I could have compassion, could hold in my heart the silenced and isolated exited women who reach out to me.
I found trauma allow me to feel my past without clashing back into drink, picking up violent men, refusing to sleep or cutting – but to feel that past with grief, anger and sympathy for my lost Self.
Trauma hurts every cell of my body – but the pain is worth it, when it is part of dragging me back to a life without rape, without torture and where fear of death is not my constant thought.
I hope many of you have no experience of severe complex trauma, I would not even wish on punters and sex trade profiteers.
But I know many of my readers know this hell.
Please know I hold you all deep in my heart, and truly believe you are some the strongest and most compassionate people I have had the honour to know.
Exited women are all true warriors.
They live with trauma following them everyday, but they are determined not just to go forward but to speak out and hold out for the human rights of all the prostituted still trapped inside the sex trade.
They are able to go forward holding a deep grief, not just for their individual experiences – but the grief of knowing the pain and confusion of the prostituted known and unknown, the prostituted and their pain from this moment to all the centuries men has made the choice to create a Prostituted Class in all continents.
This warrior spirit allows exited women to allow themselves to be vulnerable.
Being vulnerable is highly dangerous for the prostituted – this is a major factor to having to detach your body from your mind.
Being vulnerable is used to make profit for sex trade profiteers, being vulnerable is a turn-on to punters especially the sadist majority.
Vulnerability can and does kill the prostituted everyday.
So when exited can be safe enough to be vulnerable it is a wonderful route back into a full life.
Vulnerability is terrifying for exited women – for it will and can trigger us back into the space where we had no access to safety, no access to having a voice, where we were stripped of any humanity.
But to be vulnerable is be truly alive.
It is an inner strength of the true warrior.
I praise all exited women, including my Self.