Sleep is the luxury of being safe and secure.
I now can sleep the minimum of five hours up to eleven hours.
For my prostituted years, I could only catnapped, deep sleep eluded me.
I am so happy I can sleep normal, it makes everything fit better.
When I was prostituted, I was always sleeping with one eye open, waiting and expecting danger if I was too vulnerable.
To be vulnerable as a prostitute can be signing a death warrant.
I refused to in that position, I try to convince myself that I had that power.
To survive prostitutionis becomes vital to fool yourself you have the power to prevent the violence, to spot the danger signs and then it will all be fine.
To see the truth, is like committing suicide.
To see and know deeply, that no prostituted person has the power to stop the hate and violence throw at them.
To know and see that to be prostituted is to made sub-human.
That is impossible to live with when embedded inside the sex trade.
So it becomes natural for the prostituted to defend what they want to believe is their choice.
I am never surprised that women inside the sex trade claim to be fine, call themselves sex workers, get angry at anyone who question them.
I would of defended my choices – forgetting the everyday sadism pour into me, forgetting my previous child abuse, forgetting the mental violence into me.
I would not allow myself to feel my self-hate, my constant dreams of suicide, my cuts that I refused to see.
I wanted to think I had control over the men – as every time they brought me, I became their object to own and abuse..
I survived by refusing to sleep, refusing to relax enough to know my reality.
Now I do sleep, and now I can in my trauma give my truths space to known.