I have watching “Three Girls” on BBC, and have highly triggered with emotions, memories and gut reaction to what it was to be a teenage prostituted girl.
It is a good drama, but for me very close to my reality that I have shut away in a locked box.
To see that vulnerability, that frustrated fury, that pain that is deadened, that lack of hope is too unbearable to allow back in me.
But to make that no girl is trapped in that hell, I will speak to my truths.
I speak not to change my past, not to “heal” myself.
No, that pain, grief and confusion cannot not be cured, but the majority of the time it can made smaller and controllable.
I write because girls from all backgrounds, all classes, all cultures can be made vulnerable enough to be internally trafficked.
The men who make the choice to buy and sell these girls are from all backgrounds, all classes and all classes.
If you only see it happening to working-class girls, then you are throwing away girls from other classes.
If you think only Muslim men pimp out white girls – then your racism is letting off the men from other beliefs or cultures who pimp and consume these girls who can from all ethnicities.
But in this post, I need to dig in my personal anger, pain and desire to close down to explain the reality of being internally trafficked
Firstly, it was a time full of blanks and refusal to remember the reality of what I was suffering.
To open up that time, I must say I cannot know the facts, just reach down into a sense of cold terror and a sickness without end.
This is the main reason I hardly ever write on a personal level about that time.
I am terrified of being told that I am liar, that it just fantasy.
Too often people try to trip me up by demanding proof and the facts.
But I cannot see the rooms, the punters, not even the pimps with a clear eyes.
There too many, there too much torturing, it was too endless for my mind to hold.
To truly hear a woman or girl who has been internally trafficked, listen beyond the few words she can say – hear of each punter and multiple into hundreds, hear of every pimps and see he never work in isolation.
Listen to a survivor as you would anyone who has been severely tortured.
This means expect huge gaps and silences, do speak to linear time but be led by how memory makes circles round pain and grief till it is becomes bearable to be framed in words.
I remember my past in bits and pieces, remember strong and appalling events that smashed down my blocking out.
I know my first night when I lost hope, and became automatic as men pay and sold me.
Like the vast majority of girls who are coerced into prostitution, my first night was extremely violent after along period of being made to believe I was loved and special.
This is painful to remember on so many levels.
It is painful to see how desperate I was for any form of love or community, that I fall in with older men who give drinks, money, drugs and what I though was a family.
It is painful how hard I made myself as I saw other girls who been used many times, and I thought they were cool.
It is painful to see me drunk, high or hyper and imaging I was in control or happy.
So, I was what is called a street-wise kid, in that view I choose prostitution as a lifestyle choice.
Fuck that – and how that make young girls into throwaways and sub-human.
That first night, I was gang-raped for six hours.
That was my introduction to the closed world of prostitution.
I was 14, and I did exit prostitution until I was 27.
That first night was an introduction to knowing I had no human rights.
That first night was an introduction to being made into sexual goods to be pass around to any man who make the choice to be a punter.
That first night give a lasting passion to end torture and to destroy the sex trade at its roots.
But that first night also made hope vanish, and hide till safe enough to be seen.
To be an teenage prostitute is to be used as sex doll that punters can rape, torture, mentally abuse and often kill with no coincidences.
The men who make the choice to pimp out girls know their is a huge market for them, it is a huge amounts of money that those pimps get.
Without punters making the choice to consume under-aged prostituted girls, this form of violence would never exist or be small enough to be controlled and shut down.
That is why I will fully back the Nordic Model, for it punters who are the cause of all the harms done to these girls.
I am glad “Three Girls ” was made, but don’t let it be just a flash in the pan – fight for real change.