I was a pretend girlfriend, a girlfriend that was paid for.
I did Girlfriend Experience, and everyday trauma reminds me of that time.
In many ways, it was the worse times that I had endured in prostitution.
But now, it is viewed as romantic, as a new thing, as respectful.
All that is bullshit, all that is said to hide the power and control of the punters who pay for Girlfriend Experience.
Hidden is the mental torture, hidden is the physical torture, hidden isthe degradation, and hidden is murdering of the prostitute’s sense of Self.
to write to Girldfriend Experience, I need to add some context.
It is not new, punters have always wanted full control of the mind, body and spirit of the prostituted.
It is just a new label for an old concept – it could known as courtesan, as a geisha, a an long-term escort.
Rich punters have for centuries owned the prostituted for days, for weeks, for months and for years.
In this ownership, punters will delude themselves that is not dirty prostitution – no she is his mistress, his company or his girlfriend who just happens to gets gifts and money, and never turns his want for sex away.
I know my trauma, my pain and my deep grief is not unique, it an ancient from the centuries of rich punters consuming and destroying the prostituted.
To be inside Girlfriend Experience, is to only survive by losing any sense of Self.
To have a Self in that situation, can be too painful, can put you on the edge of madness, and often lead to suicide or self-harm.
To know at the time, that you all your human stripped from you is too much to bear.
To be in a situation of luxury, or a situation where money wipe out all that may be happening – and know it a situation of total torture with no exit.
That is impossible to know, it is too surreal, too cruel, too terrifying for the conscious mind to compute.
So the truth of oppression, truth of pain beyond language, truth of being a slave even with his gifts and his money – those truths are stored in the subconscious only to come back as complex trauma.
I had no power in Girlfriend Experience, I was enslaved but had to imagine I had free choice.
All that time, I had to be alert.
Alert enough to act the perfect girlfriend in public.
A girlfriend who the punter could show off to his family, his friends and his business partners.
I was shown off at parties, in pubs, at family occasions – shown off but always reminded by mental or physical violence that I was nothing but his Whore.
No gifts, no praising and no amount of money could stop the violence or his hate.
Many punters would frame their need to be violent as a punishment for not being his perfect girlfriend.
I was punished for not knowing his family and their background.
I was punish for sleeping when being of sleep for days.
I was punish for laughing.
I was punish for reminding him that I was still human not his sex doll.
So to survive I had to be alert to his moods.
It was exhausting being Girlfriend Experience.
It is still exhausting as it sits in my trauma.