Changes Not Change of Heart

This post is very important to me, and is something I thinking about for round a year or so.

I live inside fragmented memory, and surrounded by parts of my family who cannot believe that I was prostituted.

These individuals are folks that love me deeply, and I love them too.

This has lead to having many questions and no answers about whether I prostituted or not.

This what I will try to explore in this post, and if you read this and feel I have let you down in any way, I am just trying to be honest.

I am very unclear about whether it was prostitution or not.

I know that many sadist men who did know me or even look me in the eye consume me and throw me away.

I did not have a pimp or pimps.

I was rarely paid or given much money.

I did not work in brothels or on the streets.

I was tortured in flats, hotel rooms and rooms above clubs or pubs.

Maybe it was my self-driving towards sadist men and dangerous places – maybe it was part of prostitution.

My fragmented gives me so little that is solid – just endless rooms, snapshots of endless forms of torturing, and a pain saying this is your truths.

I feel I want this blog to more general and less personal.

I may have to more distance.

This blogis not a diary, or poor me autobiography.

No – whether or not prostitutedis at the heart of my memory, this blog is written for radical change for the prostituted class.

Whether or not I can claimed to be an exited woman, I have a deep connection with my exited Sisters and a few exited men.

I know what it is to be made sub-human not by a few men but by so many my brain breaks down counting them.

I know how it is to raped, passed around, and tortured so often by too many men – till the only way to survive is to block out reality and become a robot.

I know that prostitution is not the same as incest, not the same as domestic violence, not the same as date rape.

I will to the prostituted class, whether as an outsider or as an exited woman – the prostituted class are the heart of my politics, heart of my wanting to be connected.

This blog is first and foremost for all exited women who fight for justice, dignity and radical change for all the prostituted.

I may never have a solid past, but warrior is always by their side.

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One response to “Changes Not Change of Heart

  1. It is very brave of you to write this blog and this post is one of the bravest of them all, showing doubts that are only natural. One thing that I learned from my conversations with women who have suffered through prostitution is that in hindsight it often is a blur, because the experiences are so awful. The human mind just isn’t built to deal with that kind of trauma. I don’t want to describe your experiences for you, or even to label them. That’s not my place as a stranger, or as a person for that matter.
    It is hard to see what happened, it always is when such things happen, but from what you’ve written I think that you were prostituted, even if money wasn’t always involved. Tgis can be very hard to accept for many people, a victim of prostitution often isn’t seen as a full human being so naturally, they try to deny it when it concerns people around them. This often is meant as loving, they just don’t want that kind of thing to have happened to someone they love, or to have to put someone they love into such a reviled category.
    Please, don’t let such things dissuade you from your course that does so much to give insights in this commodification of women and is helpful to those who have suffered through it.

    Like

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