I have been sent a form to start my journey to try to see if I have autism or not.
I am very unsure and quite thrown by this.
In a stream of consciousness, I will try to answer their questions as a test. This is not how I will answer officially, just personal thoughts and worries.
ARE YOU AWARE OF THE DIFFERENCES OR DIFFICULTIES WHEN YOU WERE A CHILD, E.G. WHEN YOU LEARNT TO TALK, SOCIAL DIFFICULTIES, HEALTH DIFFICULTIES?
This is very hard for I have fragmented memory. But, my childhood was hard in many ways.
I was a late developer, but learnt fast.
I never understood how to fit in or social norms. I learnt to copy behaviour without knowing why I did what I did.
This may be coz I live inside an abusive family, or autistic traits, or a mixture of both.
I had loads of anger, and was quite violent, especially with self-harming and attacking those who try to kind to me.
I often place myself in the line of danger, or with hateful people.
I had extreme headaches, thoughts of suicide, and sleep issues.
I was a troubled child.
PLEASE CAN YOU TELL US ABOUT ANY DIFFERENCES OR DIFFICULTIES YOU MAY HAVE: MAKING AND KEEPING FRIENDS, KNOWING HOW TO ACT IN SOCIAL SITUATIONS, UNDERSTANDING THE BEHAVIOUR OF OTHER PEOPLE, AND USING AND UNDERSTANDING NON-VERBAL COMMUNICATION (E.G. EYE CONTACT AND FACIAL EXPRESSION)?
I have major problems with understanding human communication – could be autism, years of male violence in prostitution and childhood abuse, or more likely a complex mixture of both.
I am good at making friends, but tend to find it hard to keep them.
I am very detached and cold when friendship end, or if I move away. I am afraid to know that I could care or need their friendship.
I act like it is nothing, when there a void of loneliness in me.
I copy and mimic in social situations, looking for clues from others how to be the norm or even invisible.
I have trained myself to good at reading body language and to hold eye contact.
I am always learning how to be fully human, not just sub-human sexual goods copying human behaviour.
PLEASE CAN YOU TELL US ABOUT ANY DIFFERENCES OR DIFFICULTIES YOU MAY HAVE IN THE FOLLWING AREAS: RESTRICTED OR INTENSE INTERESTS, ROUTINES, MANAGING CHANGES, AND SENSITIVITY TO SENSORY STIMULI (E.G. NOISES, TOUCH AND LIGHTING)?
Again this is mixture of chemical mental health issues, maybe from birth, and living inside prostitution and childhood abuse.
I have always had hobbies that I disappear into.
As a child it was reading, art and playing with soldiers. As an older child, I was into football, being alone and running away.
As a teenager, I disappear into TV, films and sports.
These alongside music are still my obsessions. I never get bore of American films, telly, cricket, football, rugby, art galleries or novels, or American music from 1880’s to 1980’s.
My obsessions kept me alive, when it seemed easier to die. They were my purpose in live.
My obsessions block out my pain, my confusion and close down too much reality.
I like routine, for it give reason for life. Routine help me feel I am real and not a ghost pretending to be alive.
I find change scary and big changes can paralyse me.
I have trained myself not to show this fear too much, and train myself to ask for help.
I feel dead, but try to act alive.
Hope this makes some sense, please comment coz this is isolating.