Use Me

I am trying to get back to my writing, but a wall of doubt surrounds me.

I thought I would go back to basics, and speak to spirit, mind and body of my prostituted Self.

The Self that was used, abused and tossed into the trash.

The Self that slowly coming into life.

The Self that is a warrior.

I write to my past in order to make a future.

To build a secure and contented future, confronting my prostituted self – and facing the profiteers and punters with a clear eye is vital.

For to understand what it is prostituted, we must see the cause of their oppression – we must see it the demand that create the trauma, the terror and the deadness that is the prostituted.

To be prostituted is made non-human – to be made into consumable sexual goods.

To be prostituted is be nothing but an object for punters to use for orgasms, for violence without consequences.

To be prostituted is want to die but have no mental or physical energy left to commit suicide.

I see punters as they are, not how they want the world to see.

I was consumed by men from many cultures, many classes, many ethniticities – Iwas fucked other by any man who felt the entitlement to buy another human for his sexual greed.

To be prostituted is to know any man from any background is capable of extreme sexual violence and hate.

I have had punters who were poor demanding a quick fuck as their right.

I have had rich punters who thought the more they paid, the more violence they pour into my mind and body.

I had African punters who were training to rule and oppress their countries – practicing how destroy another human by consuming the prostituted.

I had punters who fought and campaigned for human rights – but thought it was fine to torture a prostitute.

I had religious punters who held out the Bible, the Koran or the Torah as prayed over my evil Soul – but still fuck me into a living hell.

This is just examples of the hypocrisy that all punters carry.

Nearly all punters will be invisible – hiding in plain sight as the good guys, the men who must would considered as non-threatening.

To be prostituted is to know the darkness inside the good guy.

Most punters are buying an object to torture – it is not an sexual act, it is an act of oppression.

It is rare that punters just do so-called normal sex.

Instead to be prostituted is to be in the line of constant mental/physical/sexual torturing.

Punters are paying to destroy the prostituted – but they will justify this by saying and creating a universe where the prostitute is there coz she loves it.

To be prostituted, is be told over and over and over that you choose that lifestyle – so no harm is done to you, it all just a game.

Hell, if it so bad – why doesn’t she just walk away.

Punters have painted the portrait of the Happy Hooker for at least 3000 years, spreading that myth into any culture that chooses to normalise the sex trade.

Punters write the history of the prostituted – so it is no surprise that novels, movies, tv shows, poetry, paintings all how the prostituted as either victims or Happy Hookers.

In other words, the prostituted are seen as non-human and just their for men to use and throw away.

Punters have this in mind every time they choose to buy the prostituted.

Before meeting the prostitute, he has made her into a non-human – he has invented millions of ways of justifying his violence and hate.

He will say it her choice, her way of being a sexual rebel or outsider.

He will say she is only doing to help her family or out of poverty, therefore he becomes some kind of White Knight when he pays her.

He imagines he not like those other punters – he is not violent, he would never rape any woman, he only buys adult prostitutes.

He imagines he is special to his prostitute – but angered that other punters consume her.

I could on forever about these justifications – all I can say is all punters are violent, all mentally abused the prostituted, and all be rapists and torturers.

There is no such thing as the good punter.

To be prostituted is know at any time and in any place, a punter can kill you, a punter can torture you – to know that all prostitution is unsafe.



Since moving to Devon, I feel many endings happening to me.

I have felt the hands, breathe, words and threats of punters fading away.

I have realise I am no longer alone, but have family, have great friends and have many who follow and care for me.

Moving away from city life, is giving time to know I am alive – not just going through the motions.

Every day I look into nature, every day the same but every day there are changes.

I watch crows nesting evenings and mornings.

I see or hear woodpeckers, hear creatures in hedges and trees.

Nature soothes out my past, as I live inside the present.

Devon is a healer.

I cure myself as I watch sunsets, as I walk by the river or the cannel.

I heal as Dartmoor is my landscape.

Devon give me time and space to allow trauma to run its course.

I can let in trauma without running away or fighting my Self.

All that has torture me, all the fear punters place in me, all that sense of nothingness can be known and truly felt.

For in Devon as nature, family and friends hold me – I can know that past and say it never my future.


To be the Living Dead

Halloween is almost here, so this post make a joke out of my hell.

Halloween is one my favourite celebrations, what with the facing and laughing at what horrified us.

A time to look into the dark and pour life into it.

But, but –

I write to the darkness, write to hell – write to becoming the living dead.

As a class, all the prostituted are made to be the living dead.

That is their role, that become their purpose – a living dead doll to be manipulated, control and throw away.

To be prostituted is know life is pointless, wanting a full humanity is waste of time.

To live as a zombie is the only route to some kind of existence.

A zombie can block out pain, can refuse grief, can live with no past or future.

All punters will paid to fuck the living dead – after all it is only his orgasm that matters.

All sex trade profiteers want to sell zombies – they are easy to control, there is no need to care about their welfare, and there always a constant supply.

To be the living dead is to be the essence of what it is to be prostituted.

To become a zombie is gradual, and on occasions is a sudden death in life.

Most of the prostituted are made to be zombie by a lifetime of multiple vulnerabilities.

That can abuse in childhood, living in poverty, living inside a porn-fuelled state, living with low self-esteem, being groomed by a peer groups and multiple ways to destroys our humanity.

It is rare that one vulnerability drives girls and women into prostitution, it is mostly a cocktail of vulnerabilities.

By the time a prostituted woman is being consumed on regular basis, she will be a zombie, and will survived by blocking that she had a past, that it those vulnerabilities that place under the punters.

She survived by saying she choose the zombie lifestyle, that it is liberating and alternative to be in that state.

To be a zombie is to be free, in control and of course the route to sexual independence.

This is repeated over and over and over – in a zombie slow talking tone – until all sense of life outside this zombie state disappear.

In that environment, the prostituted can only live in the now, moment from moment

I mean moments, coz to know and feel outside the moment, is to reach into fear, pain and grief – so better to block out as much as possible.

To know what is happening as you are consumed as a prostituted, is to driven into madness and route to suicide.

Blocking out reality is life-saving, but is one ingredient to making a zombie.

But, but to know the prostituted reality is the route to hell

To know every part of your body is made into sexual goods, no matter the pain that enters – is too much to bear.

To know punters are paying to rape without consequences, to torture without consequences, to murder without consequences – is too much to bear.

To live in a culture where women and girls disappear, where most of the prostituted have tortured or face death, where murders of the prostituted is so common it is not even reported – is too much to bear.

To survive and exit prostitution is to carry this genocide, remember too many disappearances, to understand what it is to be tortured – we the exited are witnesses to the unspeakable and unbearable.

So this Halloween, place us in your hearts.

Know that the living dead is no myth – the prostituted are all around you.

Rocket Science

I am an Abolitionist – but a major barrier to that dream is finding exiting schemes that fit the prostituted.

Until and when we discover how to make exiting long-term and truly a fit for everyone who has been in the sex trade – we will never build an Abolitionist movement that works.

Look, at how the Abolition has fail African-Americans by never building full human rights and dignity for their futures – we must learn from history.

I with many others will fight to build exiting as realistic and no longer a dream.

But how?

We need all ideas, all routes into the imagined futures and the ability to listen to realities of those who been inside the sex trade.

To build exiting we need to think with more expansion.

We must not stop at harm reduction or short-term counselling.

I find it interesting how often the sex work lobby support harm reduction – that should make all Abolitionists question whether it works.

To give out condoms, have short chats and then leave – it that not putting a band-aid on a cut throat.

Again, see history.

See how we patch up soldiers, stopping trauma enough to send back to the slaughter in WW1.

See how we did no long-term counselling for survivors of many genocides in the last century.

See all this – and see wounded people left with no hope, no justice and no route back to full humanity.

The coffee and condoms approach is leaving the prostituted in danger – and in the long run is turning a blind eye to their genocide.

Of course, it is important to reach out to those inside the sex trade – but do it with a purpose and reach out to everyone not just the chosen few.

The coffee and condom brigade usually only reach to street-based prostituted peoples.

This exclude the vast majority of those in brothels, those being sold online, those inside the porn industry, those frames girlfriend experience or escorting – in fact it exclude most street-based prostituted folks as well.

So it is a system that the sex trade can allow, knowing it will little or no impact on their profits.

I see the coffee and condom brigade as overseers working for the sex industry.

Yes, they appear to be fighting the oppression, but in fact many of these schemes are enabling the sex trade profiteers and protecting the punters.

To truly fight the sex trade, we must go root and branch – we must see the issue is to attack the buying and selling of the prostituted as a class, and not be distracted by the individual sad story.

This means we must see that it it mainly an issue of Male violence, Male oppression and the oppression of every person in every aspect of the sex trade.

We must see that most sex trade profiteers are males, and when it females it too often under male control.

We must see almost all that consumed the trade in all its forms are Male.

If we refuse to see those basic truths, we can never go forward with Abolition.

To not see this, is to betrayed all the prostituted and to keep them as sub-humans.

I would love your opinions, but I so exhausted with this struggle.




Divide and Rule

There is a constant undermining of the Abolitionist movement, and sadly it often by groups and individuals who claim to want an end to the sex trade.

Only this must done without rattling too many cages, without appearing too radical or revolutionary.

One way this done is by the old way of divide and rule – in this case saying how we could maybe say there could good and bad forms of prostitution.

In this viewpoint, there is constant search for punters who are not too bad, and always the refrain that it only a small minority of men who consumed the prostituted.

In this viewpoint, indoors prostitution can be made OK if it perceived as small and independent.

In this viewpoint, child prostitution is terrible, but adult prostitution is chosen and therefore good.

In this viewpoint, must horrific trafficking is external, and often it is thought that internal trafficking is a myth.

Hell, this just a few examples of the rubbish spoken and written in order to undermined the courage and determination of the Abolitionist movement.

There is nothing new here, it always the same with radical ideals especially when associated with abolition.

See how it was claimed that house slaves were happy unlike the field slaves.

Divide and rule is always used to distract – with abolition and its followers it is used to distract from seeing the structures that need to be destroyed.

If we are to destroy the sex trade, we must stopped being distracted and having internal fights.

If we look away from the prize, the sex trade can only gain and laugh at us.

I refuse to allow the sex trade to have that power – as exited woman, I refuse to ever be ground into nothingness by their lies and hate.

So, if you claimed to be an ally to exited women and true Abolitionists, then stop preaching the lies that undermined our existence.

Do not look for good punters – they do not exist.

Be clear thinking, and know that any man who makes the choice to buy another human for his sexual greed – can never be framed as a good man.

Do not think he is good because you like him, because you are related to him, because his role in life means it is impossible that he could a sadist.

Do not say it only a few men who are punters, but think harder.

Think that most prostituted women have many punters consuming, and the vast majority of these punters are not regular.

Most prostituted women who be in the sex trade for more than seven years, have had hundreds if not thousands of punters consuming them.

How does it make sense that it is only a few punters, and that the violence is rare?

God, if you really listen to Exited women – you would see, feel and know that is a terrible myth.

Do not look at indoors prostitution, especially independent escorting, independent brothels or SOOBs as the good side of the sex trade.

Stop imaging there is real independence in these small-scale forms of prostitution, or there can ever be a form of prostitution that can made liberating for the prostituted, and free from violence.

Please remember that to buy another human to create her into sexual goods – that is an act of violence in and of itself.

Most prostitution is paid rape, nothing more and nothing less – no matter how it is labelled or where it is placed.

The myth that is SOOBs is that prostitute can have real control and full access to safety.

That is impossible when the whole structure of prostitution is built on Male violence and the degradation of the prostituted.

In that environment, the prostituted have no basic human rights – and cannot turn away a violent punter if he is determined to get his money’s worth.

The prostituted are never in control, but on occasions punters give them that illusion.

I feel fury – so I end for now.

Please comment.


Screaming from My Stomach

My past lays deep in my centre, in my stomach.

The stomach is sick with grief and knowing the unspeakable.

I will write to that space, but know words and the order of language can reach the screaming.

So as I play the cheerful women of Motown, I will reach in deep – and with detachment make order from my chaos.

To speak from that scream, from that centre – I must make clear this a surface of what was to be prostituted.

How does language, especially the ordered English words speak to that Hell?

It cannot, but all I have here is words – I have my silent screaming, but somehow I want to testify and make that scream public.

I see this whole blog as a testimony, as the oppressed can lay down their truths in the hope that it will learnt from and be part of the foundations of real change.

I write as a witness.

As a witness, I cannot change my history, I cannot run away from trauma – but I can and will be a part of building bricks of abolishing the sex trade.

To make real change, we must read, hear and truly understand the testimonies of exited prostituted women.

To bring real change, it is vital to be real about what it is to be prostituted, be real about the lack of choice for all the prostituted.

To construct real change, we must reject the propaganda named as the sex work lobby.

So to start that journey – I want to speak to the unspeakable, speak to what it is to be prostituted.

Speak to my scream in my stomach.

First and of deep importance, I write to what to what it is to be the prostituted, this is about some similarities with other women, but also the differences and the depth of trauma in all the prostituted.

Yes, all women can be made vulnerable and run the risk of being recruited into the sex trade.

But it is not all women who become prostituted or trapped in the sex trade.

I write to how the sex trade uses every vulnerability that women live through to its advantage – whether that be childhood abuse, lack self-esteem, domestic violence, poverty, racism etc. – but also speak to the scale of male violence to the prostituted and how that is makes a difference.

I truly believe that all women have some or lots of experience of male violence – be that child abuse, stalking, rape, voyeurism, being objectify and so on – but it not framed as their purpose in life.

To be prostituted, is to made into an object with no access to humanity – whose purpose to to be consumed as sexual goods by and for men.

In that environment – the prostituted woman is unrapable, for she has no rights to safety, dignity or personal autonomy.

To be rape once is terrible – but in the world of prostitution rape is the norm.

Think about how we view male violence and compare how we view prostitution.

For most non-prostituted females being raped more three times in a lifetime is shocking – often there great compassion from the feminist movements for women in that situation.

Compare to reality of prostitution, where rape is by hundreds even thousands of men. The prostituted body is a battleground, but it reframed as nothing coz it just her chosen job.

This is the same with all form of male violence done to the prostituted – there is no outrage, no recording and no space to grieve – for it nothing happening here, for there is no human being violated.

This is made stark by the lack of recording or remembering by all feminist and leftist movements of the disappearances and murders of the prostituted.

There is a slow start to remembering women killed by domestic violence – but it is often framed as recording all women murdered by men.

I know and understand it can only be the recorded deaths – and it is the norm that deaths or disappearances of the prostituted is unrecorded.

But, for the prostituted to be part of the feminist movement could not at the minimum be said that the prostituted are the highest risk of being made to disappear or killed than any other group of women.

To be prostituted, is to have death as your norm.

It is normal for every exited women, to have known that other prostituted females they had loved may of been murdered or just vanished.

It is normal in all forms of prostitution, for punters to say they can kill you coz no-one gives a damn about a dead whore.

It is normal in all forms of prostitution, for punters to play at killing the prostitute – whether by choking with heads or deep-throating, whether by suffocating with pillow, whether just by torture till the body cannot bear any more.

All this is made nothing and reframed as chosen sex work.

I cannot write any more, but please wake up and listen to our testimonies.

It is the minimum you can do.


Whore Song

When I prostituted I murdered my love of song.

I refuse to listen to Motown, ignore Tops of the Pops, and was not my generation hiding in bed hearing John Peel.

The only music in prostitution was played to pretend it was some kind of love story.

Music was poison as it hid the pain, the fear and confusion.

Now, as a gift to my prostituted soul, music is every cell of my body.

I started by finding the music of empty years, the late 70’s and 80’s.

I play disco, mainly focus on Chic and Earth, Wind & Fire.

Disco drag me back into life, back to my rebel soul.

I love disco, for my punters and sex trade profiteers hated that it was just joy and freedom.

Disco was never played in sex clubs, never played by my punters – it was played by everyone they hated, so I loved it.

My background noise in my prostituted years was reggae, lover’s rock, soft soul, soft rock, and lift jazz.

Reggae became my rape music – even now with years between I cannot hear lover’s rock or soft non-political reggae.

Instead I turn to ska, just to confuse the punters to start with – then as two-tone educated me to 60’s ska , with a passion.

My love of ska open me up to Northern Soul, to rare and passionate street corner soul.

As I open up to soul, my childhood memories slowly re-enter my body. My happy memories of Motown.

I was opening up to who I was and who I really am.

I reclaim my passion and inquiring mind into American popular music from 1910’s to 1980’s.

I re-discover the Blues, jazz till 1956, gospel, soul, disco.

I re-discover honky-tonk, I found Cajun music, found Bluegrass and New Country.

I listen to pop of 60’s till 80’s with a open mind and heart.

I found Americana, listen to swing, found Duke Ellington and other classic big band.

I watch musicals from 30’s to early 60’s, with awe at Fred Astaire and Gene Kelly, with joy at the 40’s classics.

Music was and is my saviour.

In my heart I hold the words of Cole Porter, the Doors, words of rock ‘n’ roll and street corner soul.

In my heart is the pain of freedom songs, of gospel, of Marvin Gaye crying for a better world, of funk reclaiming justice.

In my heart is the simple joys of 40’s to 60’s girls groups, of comic musicals, of Tom Lehrer and other satire songs.

Music is used and abused by the sex trade.

Used to drown out that is founded on torture and destruction of the prostituted.

Used to pretend there is joy and freedom in the sex trade.

And used to say this is only entertainment, nothing is real.

That is why I learnt to hate music.

So getting back music is liberation.