Nine Years

I just see it my ninth year of writing this blog.

I have been unable to write for some time, because my trauma is very bad – but I have not gone away or slackened my fight.

We are coming to a time where truth is made unimportant- and blatant lies are believed.

This is a time when we must confront the propaganda of the sex work lobby with regathered strength.

I am saddened and relatively shocked that so-called women’s against Trump are taken  in by the propaganda of the sex work lobby, and is silencing Abolitionists and those who support the Nordic Approach.

This is done to be inclusive, but is excluded the prostituted whether exited or embedded in the sex trade.

It is done from the naive belief of too many on the Left that it would harmful to the prostitutedto not be classed as sex work.

Well, it is playing into the hands of punters and sex trade profiteers, including many of the males who support Trump.

It is the keeping of the status quo of the sex trade – that the paying to rape, the dehumanising of the prostituted, the racism, the constant torturing and mental abuse.

I cannot support marches that claimed to lead and for women, which totally abandoned the prostituted to male hate and violence.

I Can Sleep Now

Sleep is the luxury of being safe and secure.

I now can sleep the minimum of five hours up to eleven hours.

For my prostituted years, I could only catnapped, deep sleep eluded me.

I am so happy I can sleep normal, it makes everything fit better.

When I was prostituted, I was always sleeping with one eye open, waiting and expecting danger if I was too vulnerable.

To be vulnerable as a prostitute can be signing a death warrant.

I refused to in that position, I try to convince myself that I had that power.

To survive prostitutionis becomes vital to fool yourself you have the power to prevent the violence, to spot the danger signs and then it will all be fine.

To see the truth, is like committing suicide.

To see and know deeply, that no prostituted person has the power to stop the hate and violence throw at them.

To know and see that to be prostituted is to made sub-human.

That is impossible to live with when embedded inside the sex trade.

So it becomes natural for the prostituted to defend what they want to believe is their choice.

I am never surprised that women inside the sex trade claim to be fine, call themselves sex workers, get angry at anyone who question them.

I would of defended my choices – forgetting the everyday sadism pour into me, forgetting my previous child abuse, forgetting the mental violence into me.

I would not allow myself to feel my self-hate, my constant dreams of suicide, my cuts that I refused to see.

I wanted to think I had control over the men – as every time they brought me, I became their object to own and abuse..

I survived by refusing to sleep, refusing to relax enough to know my reality.

Now I do sleep, and now I can in my trauma give my truths space to known.


Still Tired, But Never Stop Fighting

Hello dear readers, after hiding away for Christmas, I am back.

I am still shocked at the conditions for the prostituted being glossed over.

I am still sickened by all the propaganda of the sex work lobby.

I am still inside extreme trauma as my shadow.

All this is my norm, so much stays the same even in times of great change.

l am English, and I feel despair as my country pushes all discussion of abortion into the extreme.

All the time, I go to “debates”, consume our media, go to the arts – and I drown with voices of the sex trade lobby.

Let be very clear who are the sex trade are.

They do not represent the multiple voices of the prostituted.

They represent the voices of consumers and producers of the sex trade.

This is proven by what the sex trade/work lobby refuse to discuss or even mention.

That is the everyday male violence that is the norm in every aspect of the sex trade.

It is keep hidden that there no safe form of prostitution, there is no safe place to be prostituted in, there is no style of sex work that can be made safe.

This is made invisible by refusing to speak to who punters and what they do to the prostituted.

Instead, the trick of the sex work lobby is to make invisible, by only speaking about the individual motivations of the prostituted.

It is framed as choice, as survival, even as better than other jobs.

In the mind-set prostitution is still a choice even if done out of poverty.

It is important to note here that only negative reason that the sex trade lobby allows for entering is poverty – previous mental/physical/sexual abuse is not mention, racism is not mention, peer pressure is not mention, coercion is not mention.

How can being poor be a choice? If poverty is not a choice, how can turning to prostitution be a full choice in those conditions?

The most important silence is the lack of focus on who punters are, and what they do to the prostituted.

This silence is keeping the prostituted imprisoned, and increasing the trauma for those of us who have exited.

Punters are very ordinary, punters are everywhere, punters hide in plain sight.

There is no type of man who cannot fit the frame of being a punter – to only see a certain type only places the prostituted in more danger.

The ugly fact is that any man at any time and in any place, can make the conscious decision to buy and control the prostituted for his sexual greed and desire to oppress.

Punters do not buy the prostituted for simple sexual wants, to buy another human is an act of violence and power.

Therefore all consumption of the prostituted is an act of violence in and of itself – but the reality for the prostituted, is that the majority of punters will rarely just want sex that is viewed as normal.

Punters are paying to control someone that they view as non-human – so torture is normal, mental violence is normal, anal rape is normal, battering is norm, and serial rapes are normal.

All this is keep hidden from public gaze, especially as the sex work stubbornly refuses to say any words that may expose the punters.

I am sickened by this silencing – sickened as my body knows who punters really are, sickened as my prostituted friends and colleagues are silenced to speak to their realities.

I want all Abolitionists to be braver and confront the sex work lobby every time it refuses to speak to who and what punters are.

Punters should not be allowed to see themselves as victims or even misunderstood.

Punters should never be framed as gentlemen or so-called good ‘uns.

Punters should seen as sadist criminals.

Punters should fear imprionment or at the minimum a fine that is treble their daily wage.

Stop making punters nice.



It a Male Problem

I so tired of all the issues round prostitution being centred on the prostituted, mostly women and girls.

It is not a female problem, it never has been a female problem – all that harms and destroys is firmly a male problem.

First and foremost, it is men who make the choice to buy and consume the prostituted.

It is mainly men who choose to make the prostituted into sexual good to be brought and sold.

It is men who make the decision that all the prostituted are to be made sub-human.

That is the centre of all the violence done to the prostituted – the male demand and desire to control the prostituted.

It is not stigma that causes the rapes, the battering, the mental torturing and murders of the prostituted – it men deciding that prostituted have no rights to safety or basic human rights.

But constantly the men who consume and create the sex trade are made invisible.

Instead, the prostituted are blamed for all the violence.

It is made out that to be prostituted is to not care how sadist the punters are, to be prostituted is to have supernatural sexual urges.

It is made out that the prostituted are not human enough to know pain, to feel fear or or need real human contact.

It is made clear that the prostituted are so bad that violence is the less that they deserve.

In this upside-down thinking, the prostituted enjoy pain, want to be humiliated and want punters to destroy their humanity.

Punters are made into kings, with the knowledge that he can torture and destroy the prostituted with no consequences.

It is Christmas again, and like all year round punters and sex trade profiteers are destroying the prostituted.

I write for change every year, I fight for change with all the power of knowing that hell.

But justice for the prostituted still seemed so far away.

Yes, some countries are changing laws to make the men responsible for their crimes – but my country seems to be digging its head in the sand.

I fear that England is hoping silence will stop any thoughts of justice and human rights for the prostituted.

But it is no silence, only a silencing of any public speech of abolition or a listening to exited women.

There is a constant noise of the sex trade lobby in our media, dominating how polititions speak, and part of popular culture.

It the voices of punters and sex trade profiteers who are made to matter, as the prostituted are being destroyed.

Please stop making men invisible.




Enough of the Lies

I have try to do debates with the pro-sex trade lobby, but they just pour out lies and emotional control – so I will damage my growth by playing their games.

In this post, I lay down a few of the many bear-traps the sex trade lobby place in the way of exited women being seen and heard.

I have been very ill, but I will try to be as clear as possible.

The most important thing to know about the sex trade/work lobby is they are the public voices of sex trade profiteers and punters – they see no human in the prostituted.

Rather, their image of all of the prostituted is that we are goods that they owned and control.

They see exited women as their property that has escaped- we should either be still be be trapped in the sex trade, too mentally ill to speak out or dead.

So there is no debate going on, just a constant reminder that the prostituted have no rights, and can never achieve the goal of being viewed as human.

That is the background noise to all so-called debates exited women and the sex trade lobby.

One tactic that is a constant is that the sex trade will consciously triggered the exited women in a public space, but always in a way to make them look good and that she is over-emotional, mentally ill or unable to understand outside her narrow history.

This is gas-lighting at it most powerful, this is the mind-set of a pimp or a sadist punter.

They used the fact that exited women have extreme trauma, fragmented memory, and experiences that have made unspeakable to their advantage.

With cold hearts, the sex trade lobby will act rational and full of facts, but they speak with poisoned lies.

Everything they say is to make male violence to the prostituted invisible and unimportant.

That is why they claim is only stigma, poverty and trafficking that may be of some issue.

All these can make the punters disappear or be stripped of responsibility for his own choices.

Too often, the sex trade speak to the stigma, saying stigma as a word that covers all harms done to the prostituted, all lack of justice.

They say it the police that is the greatest fear of the prostituted – really, not serial raping by punters, not battery by pimps or punters, not being more violent aspects of the sex trade, not being made to disappear.

The police are a minor problem compare the constant genocide of the prostituted by punters and sex trade profiteers.

The making invisible the punter’violence is the underlying purpose of the sex trade lobby, for to call it work, choice, fantasy, empowerment and game-playing is the langange of making the prostituted into sub-human sexual goods.

It is the language of work that is used in our public spaces, with the false claims it no worse or better than being a miner.

Prostitution is never just another job, it not a free exchange.

Protitution is to have your body controlled, used, and trashed by any man who make the choice to be a punter.

I want to look at the lies said about choices for the prostituted – note there no space is their debates to speak to the choices of the punters.

They speak as if the only strong push into the sex trade is poverty – not previous abuse, not peer pressure, not deep self-hate, not racism, not not not anything that does fit their neat boxes.

By focusing just on poverty, there is little or no push for radical change, just some tinkering at the work/pay conditions.

More important, this endless focus on the push only being poverty is a deep betrayal and abandonment of the many prostituted who had multiple pushes into the sex trade.

I am getting sick again, could write forever, but please do not believe the lies.


In Devon

I am having a break, thinking of moving from city life to small town life.

This is a massive change for me, but it will getting back the good side of my family, and stop some of my isolation.

I am a city girl in my heart, but have always done by cutting myself off a great deal.

Now, I am slowly changing.

I want and need to give and receive help with love.

I need to know I can belong inside my family.

I need to build up my emotional and physical welfare.

I cannot do everything by myself.

The sex trade pull out trust, asking for help, sense that you can be worthy of others loving you – and trashes all that in the bin.

Part of rediscovering our true humanity is learning that there is no need to do everything alone.

Prostitution made me, and so many of my exited friends terrified to ask for love or help.

Our fear comes from years of rejection, years of betrayal, years of building an existence where walls round our inner selves.

To learn to trust, to learn to be vulnerable, to learn we are lovable is confusing and scary.

The rules of basic existence were withhold from us, but our pride makes us not show we are all too lost.

How can learn to receive when you have been brought and sold.

How can understand trust when you survived by following rules that changed all the time.

How do understand the language of love when rape and mental violence was enclosed in those words.

Relearning how to be human is what it is to be exited from the sex trade.

I may learn by slowing down.

Watch Us Drown

There is a genocide of the prostituted going on around everyone everywhere.

It is a genocide that is made invisible and without sound.

It is a genocide where torture is made into s/m games or a chosen sexuality.

It is a genocide where money makes all our grief, pain and lack of human rights is made unimportant.

After all, in this genocide money means consent, and consents means forgetting access to safety and dignity.

You are a witness to this genocide.

You stand with detachment as we are drowning.

I hope with all my heart that this is a time of real change for all the prostituted.

I hope that we are entering a time where the multiple voices of exited folks is getting heard with genuine listening.

Do not think you are listening if your first reaction is to speak over or for exited folks.

Do not think you are listening if you always translate our realities to your known experiences.

Do not think you are listening if you always place domestic violence and rape as real violence to females, and vanish all violence in the sex trade.

Do not think you are listening if you say only poverty drives folks into the sex trade – excluding millions of the prostituted.

Do not think you are listening if you refuse to see the sex trade steal the soul of all vulnerable females, they will always make make the market then choose the stereotype of womanhood to feed that market.

Do not think you are listening if you do not see the only cause of the violence done to the prostituted is the choices of the punters and sex trade profiteers to make and consume the sex trade.

You are not listening as we drown, only smiling as you block up your ears.

But then we learnt over the centuries of genocide of the prostituted, that our screams, pleas and crying is made soundless.

Every time we are battered it is translated into kinky sex.

Every time we are raped is made nothing but an exchange of goods.

Every time we are murdered, our bodies and our names are made to disappear.

So we learn to go through life as a ghost – unseen, unheard and stripped of humanity.

This is the centre of what it is to be prostituted, and anyone who not fully backing abolition is part of the reason we are made to be ghosts.