Place of Sadness

I am very sad.

I feel broken, but on the mend. I feel vulnerable, but with a steel heart. I am drowning in sadness, but still reaching out for hope.

I do not know how to write into this space, so I write until words make their own meaning.

This is complex trauma, this is fragmented memory, this is the heart of an exited prostituted woman.

All I know is I need to write to the unspeakable or what is framed as unsayable.

That the conditions of being prostituted, that the evil of the stealing of our humanity.

That is to speak to the deafening silence and inaction as there is a daily raping, torturing and murdering of the prostituted.

This is the oldest and biggest genocide in history – only made made invisible by replacing the prostituted with yet more vulnerable women and girls.

As you read this, the prostituted are in hell.

Thisis a place where consent has no real meaning – consent is ripped away andrelplace with cash, gifts, stereotyping and entitlement.

This is a place where no prostitute can be rape, no prostitute is allowed to feel real pain, no prostitution is given the dignity to remember she is a full human being.

Hell is to be raped so often that you to name it as even abuse.

Hell is accept gang raping a risk of the job.

Hell is never knowing if a punter will be gentle, bored you with pointless chat, or choose to tortured or mentally abused.

Hell is the slow dissolving of the Self as you are turn into sexual goods that used by too many and thrown away too often.

And that is a tiny aspect of being prostituted.

This is hell not sex work, when any punter at any time and in any place, can be spreading out STDs.

This is hell when many punters could not give a damn that their pounding, their grabbing, their violent oral sex, their demand for anal, their hands ripping and pulling  – cause internal injuries that destroy our hopes and dreams.

This is hell when punters think it is ok to do to the prostituted what must never been done to real women and girls.

That is hell on earth – made invisible for society wants to turn away.

My sadness is a silent chocking scream.

It is a scream that comes from a place of knowing all the rules are changed for the prostituted.

Look at the rules of violence against women.

We see in domestic violence, that many woman will want to makes excuses for the male violence. But we choose to see their pain, confusion and terror being behind those words.

With the prostituted, we only hear brief words that say it all fine and dandy – to say all is empowering, safe enough and a free choice.

We know most rapists are very ordinary men, men who may be trusted,men who appears as decent.

We know most rapists hide in plain sight as the good father, friendly work colleague,  or trusted friend.

But we change the rules, to say there are a few violent punters who are clearly monsters.

But most hurtful and damaging, if how those who fiercely fight for human rights and     to violence women and children, ignore and dismiss the prostituted.

In other words, how good people keep the prostituted as  subhuman and disposable.

This is made clear as our deaths, rapes, disappearances and torturing is unrecorded.

Every exited woman is a witness to disappearances,murders, extreme violence/torturing, suicides and forms of slavery – but our witnessing is ignored and thrown away.

As we try to tackle violence to women and children, we could use these expert witnesses.

Exited women have deep knowledge of what male violence can be and how ordinary it is.

Exited women can see the depths of hate from men who choose to be violent.

Exited women know this violent is pre-planned, it never accidental or about sex – it always an act of power and entitlement.

Ignore the words of exited women, and there can never be true feminism.

Please when you read these words, fight harder and with more determination to free all the prostituted.



Sex Workers, You are So Boring

Yet again, I have had the sex lobby bombarding me with their tissues of lies and propaganda.

I let them do for a couple of days, then mute or block them – for the predictable and very repeative.

They are so boring – but in some ways would good fodder for a stand up comedienne.

I will write to often repeated tropes. I may comment, trying hard not to be not too cynical or edging on the bitter.

That is hard when they throw away the lives and dignity of prostituted in order to protect punters and sex trade profiteers.

All the tropes that I write are common, and written to exited women who fight for abolition all the time, and in many countries. There is nothing special about it, it is not rare.

I know my exited Sisters in USA, Canada, Australia, New Zealand, Romania, Russia, Slovenia, Thailand, Japan, South Africa and many other countries get the same lies and propaganda.

It is a vicious tool of silencing – especially as they know the sex trade and its punters pour trauma into all the prostituted.

The sex work lobby knows, and uses, that exited women have complex long-term trauma. They just don’t give a damn – for they view the prostituted as goods not full humans; therefore all exited women are to them is goods that can no be controlled.


This is foundation of all the propaganda of the sex work lobby.

This is used to make male violence invisible, by focusing on the individual choices of the prostituted – and refusing to see the punters and sex trade profiteers.

It turns the reality of the sex trade upside-down, and imagine the prostituted woman is in control and with luck, will be in a position of power.

Whilst, the norm is that the punter is always in control, with full entitlement to be violent, to reinforce his porn-dreams on her living body.

He is buying goods, he has no interest in her humanity or safety..

The sex trade profiteers from providing access to sadist sex on demand, where a minority of punters may choose to be less violent.

But the real profits are made by making the prostituted into sexual goods, by making the violence so common they lose hope and forget about being fully human.


This fake compassion is only said to indicate that exited are unreliable, too emotional, too mentally ill to know the truth as sex workers see it.

This is used to implied we only see things as violent coz we are damaged, and cannot see “the truth” that most sex workers are safe, have friendly loyal clients and in full control.


Sex work is framed as indoors prostitution, mainly done by independent escorts or girlfriend experience.

It is protrayed as empowering, safe and easy to leave.

All that is rubbish.

I did all that types of prostitution, as well as listening to or campaigning with many women who survived indoors prostitution.

We all speak to the violence, the degradation, the stripping of our humanity of indoors prostitution.

How is it possible that indoors prostitution can be made safe?

Think what indoors prostitution is – it is mostly to shut in a room where a punter who is entitled to as violent as he wants.

OK, some punters may choose to be “gentle”, but that can never be known by the prostituted woman – it just the toss of a coin whether she is safe or not.

If a punter makes the choice to be violent, there will little or no protection, for money comes before her welfare.

Indoors prostitution is a trap – sometimes a gilded cage, but always hope and dignity is slowly stolen from the prostituted.


The sex work lobby loves to protect punters, and paint a picture that it just bad luck if the rare punter is violent.

He is a beast, a rapist, a monster – not an ordinary guy like most punters.

Hell, the violent punters is the norm, he is very ordinary – we just choose to make him invisible.

To see the common violence done to the prostituted would means confronting the entitlement of those men, and would lead to tearing down the sex trade at its roots.

So it is predictable that the sex trade lobby would protect punters by all means.


Hell no, brothels are never safe or where women can have free choice.

Brothels are the factory farms of prostitution – all the romantic views in novels, films and music can prettify that.

Brothels are use to mass produce sex on demand, with human rights stripped from the prostituted women.


Yet again, we are too mentally damaged to be worth listening to.

Our words and truths are dismissed, in fear and anger by the sex work lobby.

The sex work lobby pretend to care about the prostituted – but constantly attacks, ridicule and paint exited women are mentally ill.

This is heartless and calculated.

By saying exited women are too mentally damaged to understand the realities of the sex trade – the sex work lobby will assume we be silenced or unable to fight back.

Hell, of course it hurts – but that pain only makes us more determined and stronger.


I will end here.






No girl is born to be a prostitute, it never her dream. All the prostituted are groomed to forget their dreams.

Groomed by the media, groomed by advertising, groomed as an exit to family damage, groomed by hope, groomed by financial gains – but mostly groomed by a society that romansises and support the normalisation of the sex trade

Grooming is highly complicated, and designs to be invisible.

I was groomed, groomed I could not know that I had rights, groomed till I forgot hope existed, groomed until I lost that I was a human.

Grooming is evil – it is in all cultures, thoughout every century where prostitution existed.

Grooming is everywhere, but thrives but pretending it always outside your particular society.

The groomers are protrayed as the Other – the immigrant, the pimp, the crime lord, the corrupt policeman, the kidnapper.

Groomers are Everyman – your neighbour, your close relative, your boyfriend, your work colleague, from your political or religious society, inside your leisure activities.

There no community of males, and some women, who cannot become groomers.

I was groomed by both white and black men – saw profit before by my welfare.

There no groups of men that is innocent of making vulnerable females into sexual goods  – after it a highly effective way to make large profits with low expectation of punishment or consequences.

Groomers are criminals, but most societies let them go unpunished.

As if grooming was somehow harmless – as long as punters have access to organisms on demand, with full permission to be as sadist as they want – grooming will remain common but purposely unseen.

Well, see grooming and see the seriousness of violence that grooming is.

I will use my personal routes into prostitution as an example of commmon routes into prostitution.

I came from a family background of  mental and sexual abuse.

Incest is a common start of knowing your body is nothing but holes and hands.

Incest teaches a girl to know she is worthless – only seen through men’ eyes as fuckable goods, then can be thrown away.

This is the conditions of the prostituted woman – incest is one of the foundation stones of  prostitution.

I, like so abused young teenager, became a hater of all adults, becoming a runaway, thinking I was hard, imaging my self- hate was rebellion.

As I try to discover myself, I became more and more lost – slowly losing my sense of being human.

I was so vulnerable as I though I thought I too hard for any male to pour more damage  into my body and mind.

I as a streetwise kid was easy prey to groomers.

When see teenagers acting hard, look deeper, many are hurting, vulnerable to so many dangers, easy prey.

Don’t turn away, those hurting teenagers could be groomed into the hell of serial rapes, constant mental and physical breaking down that is the sex trade.

Please comment on this post, coz the pain is blocking me..






My mind is melting, without thoughts, scared of my fragmented memories, and numbed by not knowing how to write words that fit my reality.

I listen to music and try to write, but the volume is too quiet to block out my deadness.

I write into a void, yes I know my loyal readers follow each blog – but what are you actually doing to destroy the sex trade.

My despair screams you may be doing as little as possible, or turning to other strugggles or oppressions that may be more clean in ending.

I cannot write, scream, cry out or give speeches enough to say – we must work longer, harder and deeper to end the sex trade.

This is an emergency – only it has been an emergency for over 3000 years, an emergency in every country, every culture.

Prostitution is the oldest oppression.

It is the conditions of slavery.

It is capitalism in the raw.

It is the clear definition of patriarchy.

Everything the Left and feminism claims to oppose is the foundations of the sex trade.

But daily the Left and too many feminists refuse to see the prostituted as fully human and deserving of their fight and care.

Instead, the Left and some feminists turn the world of the sex trade upside-down.

Instead of seeing the oppression, they claim prostitution is a free choice, a job and even a form of liberation for females.

Instead of seeing as capitalism in the raw, it is claimed the being prostituted is to be a sexual outlaw, to be sexually revolutionary, to be free.

The Left and some feminism refuse to know the racism, oppression of indigenous peoples, exploitation of girls from all backgrounds that is foundations of all prostitution.

The Left and some feminists change the rules of male violence against females.

It is not serious rape when the prostituted are raped not by one man but usually by hundreds or even thousands of punters.

The common murders and disappearances of the prostituted are made unimportant – not recorded or remembered.

It is ok for a prostitute to be placed in danger in a closed space with a strange man who is entitled to be as violent as he desired.

All this framed as freely chosen, liberating or a route to inner strength.

Would that be said of domestic violence, acquaintance rape or incest?

Hell no, especially not by liberal feminist or most of the Left.

So why do is it ok to abandoned the prostituted to violence and male hate.

Are the prostituted just there to feed into porn-fuelled violence, so you live in relative safety.

The Left and feminism will always fail if it makes the choice to turn it back on the prostituted.

The prostituted are the true revoluntaries, and to refuse to hear our voices is to never end oppression.

The sex trade feeds on racism, vulnerabilities of being female, vulnerabilities of being young, feeds on poverty, and being caught inside crises of all forms.

Females will never know freedom, true safety and equality as long as the sex trade exists.

As long one woman is prostituted, all women will be oppressed.

But still we are abandoned.

I have screaming this message for nearly 15 years, and still my despair is a pain and a hole in my heart.

Do more, do more, do more.

Autism or Not

I have been sent a form to start my journey to try to see if I have autism or not.

I am very unsure and quite thrown by this.

In a stream of consciousness, I will try to answer their questions as a test. This is not how I will answer officially, just personal thoughts and worries.


This is very hard for I have fragmented memory. But, my childhood was hard in many ways.

I was a late developer, but learnt fast.

I never understood how to fit in or social norms. I learnt to copy behaviour without knowing why I did what I did.

This may be coz I live inside an abusive family, or autistic traits, or a mixture of both.

I had loads of anger, and was quite violent, especially with self-harming and attacking those who try to kind to me.

I often place myself in the line of danger, or with hateful people.

I had extreme headaches, thoughts of suicide, and sleep issues.

I was a troubled child.


I have major problems with understanding human communication – could be autism, years of male violence in prostitution and childhood abuse, or more likely a complex mixture of both.

I am good at making friends, but tend to find it hard to keep them.

I am very detached and cold when friendship end, or if I move away. I am afraid to know that I could care or need their friendship.

I act like it is nothing, when there a void of loneliness in me.

I copy and mimic in social situations, looking for clues from others how to be the norm or even invisible.

I have trained myself to good at reading body language and to hold eye contact.

I am always learning how to be fully human, not just sub-human sexual goods copying human behaviour.


Again this is mixture of chemical mental health issues, maybe from birth, and living inside prostitution and childhood abuse.

I have always had hobbies that I disappear into.

As a child it was reading, art and playing with soldiers. As an older child, I was into football, being alone and running away.

As a teenager, I disappear into TV, films and sports.

These alongside music are still my obsessions. I never get bore of American films, telly, cricket, football, rugby, art galleries or novels, or American music from 1880’s to 1980’s.

My obsessions kept me alive, when it seemed easier to die. They were my purpose in live.

My obsessions block out my pain, my confusion and close down too much reality.

I like routine, for it give reason for life. Routine help me feel I am real and not a ghost pretending to be alive.

I find change scary and big changes can paralyse me.

I have trained myself not to show this fear too much, and train myself to ask for help.

I feel dead, but try to act alive.


Hope this makes some sense, please comment coz this is isolating.

Enough Already

So, it is still believed that prostitution will always be with us.

Like murder, child rape, war, poverty and ignorance – there’s little or nothing can be done to end it.

So exited women and Abolitionists should just shut up and die.

But I with so many are still here – yelling and screaming for real change, for justice for all the prostituted, for serious punishment for punters and sex trade profiteers, and for an end to the sex trade in all its forms.

Humans do end what had appear to be impossible, look to South Africa, see the end of some slavery, see peace in Northern Ireland.

Humans do change social norms – we sent children down mines, we used to make abortion illegal.

But for some reason, it has been decided that prostitution is always with us.

In order to maintain that social norm, we must never speak to the conditions of the prostituted, we must never confront what punters actually do or want, we must make the sex trade profiteers invisible.

In other words, we must pretend prostitution is cosy and like a Carry On film.

Well, I speak to these disillusions – words are my weapons.

I speak of the sex trade profiteers being made invisible by how ordinary they are.

They are your neighbours, your relatives – from your community and living lives that you do.

These mainly men are not monsters or cartoon villains – they are just folks who place money above compassion, empathy or desire to see others as fully human.

There are many who owned brothels, sex clubs, run online escorting, and so many other forms of prostitution – who are considered decent folks.

We refuse to see their hate and total contempt for the prostituted.

We do enter the spaces where they control body and soul the prostituted – to see the controlling mental abuse, see the constant threat or reality of physical violence, see the slow breaking down of the prostituted into sub-human sexual goods.

We turn away and imagine it only cartoon pimps out in others places that do such things.

Our prostitution is fun – so don’t mention it may be controlled and extremely dangerous.

We must not see punters for what they are.

We must not see that these men are paying to rape, to torture, to mentally abuse the prostituted.

We must not see they view all the prostituted as goods, never as fully human.

Punters pay to do acts they know are criminal – knowing it will excused or made to vanished.

Punters have no shame, no sense of empathy, so concept that they are violent criminals.

Most punters considered themselves to be normal decent guys – with jobs, normal relationships, and a place in the world.

What they do to the prostituted is private and part of their porn-fuelled fantasy world.

It is not real, so what is the problem?

So the reality of the raped, tortured and destroyed bodies of the prostituted is closed away, and our society runs along as normal.

Well sorry, as an exited woman and an Abolitionist, I refuse to look away. I see the conditions in my skin.

To survive prostitution is always know what torture is, to know endless raping, to know what be made sub-human is.

That will never be forgotten, it is too deep in the skin and mind of all those who survived prostitution.

Words cannot hold our pain, grief and fury as society claims it was nothing.

To be exited is hold a flame for justice for every single prostituted person.

This justice is more than harm reduction, more than small changes in laws – justice is a total destruction of the sex trade, a re-education for all men to view women as fully human, and a real future for the prostituted.

We are a long way from full justice, though the Nordic Approach is a bloody good start.

But still the prostituted are made sub-human – still our rapes, our torturing is no issues, still our murders and disappearances are made no matter.

What other “job” is it normal to be murdered, to be serially raped, to work with no regard to safety.

There is nothing normal about being prostituted – you just decide to shut down compassion and refuse to know our suffering.

Enough is enough.

Speech for Hackney Labour

Thanks for for inviting me to this event. This is a very important subject. Prostitution  is not, has never been, and without real radical change can never be a work issue. It is a human rights emergency.

I speak as an exited prostituted woman who was in indoors prostitution. I am now an Abolitionist, and see the Nordic Approach as the first step to full human rights for all the prostituted.

I will never named prostitution as sex work. This makes the violence and hatred of punters invisible, and allows the continued exploitation of the prostituted by sex trade profiteers. When we say sex work, we are allowing the common violence done to the prostituted to be made unimportant – that is the constant rapes, the constant mental abuse, the gang raping, the constant beatings. We allow the dehumanisation of the prostitution.

Language is important to understand the power structure of the sex trade and the oppresssion of the prostituted. We must see with a clear that the oppressors are those who profiteer or consume theses trade.

I could speak from my personal history, but only to show what is common in many forms of prostitution. I enter the sex trade when I was round 14. The average age of entering the sex trade is between 12 to 17. Like many of the prostituted, I had been sexually and mentally abused as a child. Childhood abuse is one of the many training  grounds for prostitution. It teaches the child that she is of no worth apart from being a sex object. Most children survive child abuse by deadening their emotions, and forgetting how it is to be human.

The sex trade feeds on the vulnerability of mostly women and girls. They feed on poverty, feed on under-aged girls, feed on male violence to women, feed on disasters whether man-made or natural. All this supplies the massive market for punters to consume.

Prostitution is not sex, prostitution is not work. We must see prostitution for what it is  – not the male fantasy the sextrade want us to believe in.

Many exited women, including myself, see sex as life-enhancing. Sex is joyful when there full consent between adults. That is not prostitution.

Prostitution is to made into sexual goods which will consume by multiple strangers in exchange for money, goods, gifts or an imbalance of power. Punters have full permission to be as violent as their porn-dreams have instructed them

To be prostituted is to become living porn – that is to have no voice, no access to basic human rights and no access to safety. To be prostitutedis to become sub-human. Punters strip the prostituted of all access to their humanity.

This may be done slowly with increasing mental abuse, or done with extreme physical violence. All punters are paying to fully control, have power over and owned the prostituted. That is not sex or work – that is oppression.

To understand prostitution, we must see the punters clearly. They are very ordinary men – they could’ve in your family, could be your friends, may be your work colleagues. Most punters are in good relationships, often in a stable family structure. Punters have made themselves invisible by being ordinary.

A common actor with all punters is their sense of entitlement, which is reinforced by their consumption of porn and hatred of women. Punters believe that the prostituted can never be fully human – therefore it becomes no issue to use all forms of mental, physical or sexual violence on the prostituted. Punters believe their violence is condoned by our society, for there is no serious punishment, or even acknowledgment that they have committed a crime. It is as if nothing is happening to nobody.

Prostitution is not a service or a form of work. In what workplaces, is it common practice for employees to be orally or anally raped? When at work, is it normal for there to high rates of suicide, murders and chronic self-harming? In most workplaces, these forms of violence are reported or there is an inquiry. In prostitution, it is normal that the prostituted just disappear or have a violent death. This goes unreported and unrecorded. It just viewed as the risk of the job.

Thereis no such thing as a safe place for the prostituted, as there is no form of prostitution that can be made safe.

How can there be full safety when a punter cand and will feel entitled to pour all his porn fantasies into the body and mind of the prostituted.

I only did indoors prostitution – the mythical safe way to be prostituted. I found out the hard way it was never safe, just on occasions less bad. To be inside indoors prostitution, is to be placed in a room with a string of entitled strangers. These punters hold all the freedom of choice. He can choose to be violent as he desire, or to pretend he is the nice guy. The punter knows his violence will be of no consequence, and there will no outside interference.

He is paying to consume sexual goods, not a human being. The bodies and minds of the prostituted have to hold all that violence. The prostituted hold al forms of torturing that men have invented. There is no cell in the prostituted body that has not been invaded by male violence.

To survive and somehow hold some sanity, the prostitute must deaden herself. To be prostituted is to become the living dead.

All punters make the choice to be a rapist, many choose to be torturers, and too many choose to become murderers. This is the reality that the prostituted constantly have to block out.

There is a dangerous myth that if the Nordic A pproachwas enforced, that prostitution would just go underground. This is nonsense. The sex trade is only concerned with making a huge profit. To make this profit, it is vital that the punters have quick and easy access to the prostituted. Most punters put minimum effort into finding a prostitute, many just click on a computer or dial up like ordering a pizza. If punters know easy ways to get a prostitute, then law enforcement can follow their trail.

We choose to make invisiblethe violence of sex trade profiteers and punters. We choose to abandon the prostituted to that hell.

Imagine you saw multiple dead bodies of prostituted women and girls floating down a river. Imagine this was on your doorstep, that the flow of bodies was every day and every night. Imagine that all these deaths were from suicide or been murdered.

What would you do? Would you pick out their bodies one by one – saying what did she do to deserve such a violent death? Or would seek out the source of this violence,    and the reason so many of the prostituted felt such despair.

In order to give full justice, dignity and humanity to all the prostituted – we must focus on the source of the oppression, that is punters and profiteers, and expose them as criminals. That is the way forward.