Late Night Writing

I have thought i must try to write – so I put on disco and see where I will go.

I have been carrying words round my head, words that eat at my heart.

I have been carrying memories that no-one should know or even imagine.

Words and memories are what makes me a determined abolitionist.

I have looking at the sex trade lobby, and it make thinks of human with masks.

These people come from my background, the background of the privileged, the background of the entitled, the white middle-class background.

I can understand too much about the sex trade lobby, especially when they enter academia or the world of business.

It was a world I was born into – academia, the arts, business – all worlds that considered themselves above the plebs below, a world where empathy is destroyed, a world built on ice and blood-letting of anyone who not their class.

I am sickened to be part of that world, and fighting for abolition is one way of me giving back to the oppressed by my class.

But I do not do self-flagellation, for that class is just what I was born, and I can change myself to be more than my background.

My class did nothing for the many prostituted women and girls who were destroyed by the sex trade – no, my class has for many centuries been the drive, demand and supplier of the sex trade.

My class turn its back as it own women and girls were sold, move around, fuck by endless men and tossed into the gutter.

My class wrote books, poems, made films and paintings, made TV programmes all to make the sex trade glamorous and with absolutely no violence.

My class is the entitled punter who collects the prostituted as he torture her to near-death.

My class can and will murder the prostituted – with the full knowledge that his money and privilege will mean the body will disappear, and it cannot be murder if it a non-crime.

My class is the backbone of everything that is destroying the prostituted class.

I will speak into certain types of punter, academics, sex trade profiteers to show my class. Show the wound that is a worm in my heart.

I was owned by middle-class men who never said words like -

Prostitute, pimp.

They were all pimps, but they had the appearance of any old businessman, they were detached from their reality.

They were clean, never doing any the dirty business of punishing the prostituted – that just happened as their eyes were firmly closed.

It was just a business – as the move round prostituted women and girls, as with each move the prostitute is broken down.

A business that turns women and girls who had dreams, futures and loves into living dead sexual goods.

That is my class – the class with blood on its hands.

Then comes the rallying cry of academia – the posh voice of the sex trade lobby.

I was brought with academia, I lived in an university city, academia was my norm.

I know academics have the power to manipulate ideas and ways of seeing the world – for they also have the privilege of money and access to power.

I see the sex trade lobby using academic words – making lies into facts.

I see the sex trade lobby infiltrating universities, publishers, the media and government – all the building block of communication in my class.

My class have promoted porn as just jolly safe fun. My class promotes the unionisation of indoors prostitution. My class paint romantic images of brothels and escorting. My class writes on how stripping is empowering for the women.

My class is speaking the propaganda of an industry where the prostituted dies about 40 times more than other women and girls of same age and background.

An industry where the majority of the prostituted cannot exit, for many are too ill, or have trauma to ever truly leave. And cannot exit coz they have died from violent means – suicide or murder.

An industry where it is wonderful to still be alive when you are 28.

This is what academia is saying is just a job, which we should not look too deeply into.

Finally, punters are often from my class – the punters who are entitled, the punters who owned the prostituted.

These are the punters who love the dirty thrill of fucking a whore who had been used by tons of other punters – but then hate the prostitute for being so cheap to give herself to any punter.

These are punters who make their brief fucking into some kind art, punters who collect the prostituted like pinned butterflies.

These are punters who use their money and privilege to time and privacy to be as sadist as he wants to the prostituted – knowing he will use his power to get off scotch-free.

I had these entitled bastards in every cell of my body, they are my nightmares, my push to abolition.

I have that class, I still am – but I can also help rot out the corruption from the inside.

I see them – I know my class.

That is why they hate and fear my turning to abolition – it like a betrayal of my class. When maybe it coz I still have some love for my background, I want and need to have the freedom to learn empathy and compassion – learn to join the human race.

Used Out

I have been ill, ill from exiting, ill from knowing the unknowable, ill from not knowing why I am alive when so many prostituted are dead.

My last post was on how pimp-language increases that illness, an illness with no real name just infecting all the brave exited folks I know or have not meet yet.

This post is a stream of consciousness exploring how hard exiting is – how it affects every moment, even the many moments of joy and sense of moving forward.

Exiting prostitution is never easy, time makes it less painful – but the pain is always background noise.

I truly believed that those who have exited or are on the way to exiting the sex trade are some of the most courageous people that I had the privilege to know and to work alongside with.

They all are warriors – warriors who let in the pain even when it is unbearable, warriors who have the silent screaming of embedded grief, warriors who ask questions without wanting or needing simple answers.

They are looking through the eyes of the warrior who understand genocide was their norm.

They speak through mouths that have been blocked by silence and the violence of male violence.

They listen remembering the sound of lost hope, and hear now the call to freedom and dignity.

They find it hard to smell, as every breath brings dead semen, sweat and cold fear.

They can learn to touch skin without having to be dead inside, without becoming a role, without dreaming of suicide.

I would say if you role-models, heroes, or even a route to a better – look, listen and learn from exited prostituted folks.

We have so much to give, so much knowledge that is constantly silenced.

We can be teachers, we are fighters, we can teach how to laugh at hell at the same as planning to destroy it at its roots.

The lesson I would want all abolitionists to take on board, is not to be afraid of grief, pain and the slowness of real long-term change.

The prostituted have live with that grief, pain and lack of apparent progress for many centuries – and we have through silent passing down of ways of dealing, built up our inner strength and desire to live whatever is thrown at us.

Abolition is slow most of time – but it not going backwards, it is moving forward.

Sometimes there are giant leaps – such as seeing the demand and supply must be criminalized; or seeing that abolition of the sex trade is a human issue, not an issue of labour.

Mostly it is small steps forward, often feeling like we are struck or going backward.

But I do believe the more we allow exited folks to be leaders in the abolition movement – the more the human damage and courage is seen, and the more likely that abolition will come.

We need to learn that pain should always be pushed away.

The more you avoid or bury the pain of the prostituted – the more it screams and crawls it way to have a voice.

The pain that the prostituted have known cannot just be placed into a box, it can learn to be quiet, but always waiting for the time and place to have expression.

It is a pain that all can learn from.

It is a pain that has touch and been inside genocide, and is now a witness to the deadened soul and deep silence that was one reason some of the prostituted survived.

It is a pain that has learnt that male violence is pre-planned, is organised, is not an act of passion but cold hate.

It is a pain where every cell of the prostitute’s body is used and thrown – a pain that there never anything personal about rape, torture or murder of the prostituted, just a consumer with his goods.

That pain must be used as teaching-tool.

We can speak to what male violence is, we know too much, too much so we are told not to speak for male violence gains power by becoming the unspeakable.

To build a permanent road to abolition, we must speak to grief, we must face the depths of grief that is always with the exited.

We carry the grief of knowing the majority of the prostituted have or will never be able to exit.

Oh, some may exit with so much mental damage that in many ways the sex trade still imprisoned, some may exit with illnesses or injuries that shortened their futures, some may not live and commit suicide as the past blocks a route to freedom, and too many are killed coz they seen as throwaway goods.

Every exited person I know of, have the grief of losing prostituted friends – we could not grieve then, but now we fight so no more prostitute goes missing.

A great many exited folks have survivor grief and guilt.

We have no idea why we survived, and too often we collapse thinking of the beautiful and strong prostituted folks who are gone.

It is just luck that we survived – for suicide was our norm or living in order to die, for at any moment we could have been murdered.

All exited folks have experienced near-death on several occasion, whether through self-destruction or male violence.

I attempted suicide at least every 6 months or so, I can remembered punters almost killing me on at least 4 to 7 times.

Living with death was our norm – so no wonder our grief is endless.

Grief is a powerful tool to making real change to justice and returning dignity to all the prostituted.

To allow that silent screaming an expression, is the opening to deeper approach to abolition, is to let out the warrior-spirit, and learn that in silence knowledge can grow.

It is learning to be still enough to see that slow progress is going forward.

Grief open us up to being vulnerable, being confused – but that is not a weakness, it give the humbleness to see we can ask and receive help, as well knowing we will be the helpers.

 

I Would Be Ok with Sticks and Stones

I have been away, away for words used in a casual manner are eating me into wanting to die.

Sticks and stones may hurt you, but words do no harm.

That is just bullshit, and much of the language I will describe is invented or used by the sex trade to control and silence the prostituted, whether exited or still inside the sex trade.

The language that sends daggers into my soul – I will named it as Pimp Language which is used by punters, sex trade profiteers, academics, the mainstream media and liberal feminists – as well men on the Left, men on the Right and Liberal men.

It is a language invented over centuries – though words may change, the meaning of control and silencing has always been the same.

For instance the idea of the sex worker is just an re-invention of the courtesan which is just a re-invention of temple whore.

All those concepts are invented to hide male violence and the prostituted are made into throwaway sub-human goods.

The sex worker/courtesan/temple whore are terms that pretend there can a semblance of choice and empowerment for the prostituted.

This lie is spread into all media, all gossip, all means of communication until it is made impossible that any “real” violence can put into the prostituted.

The temple whore is painted as a goddess, or at the least supernatural.

This is held by the means that is norm of the sex trade in all times, all cultures and is the founding stones that makes the sex trade not crumble.

To call a temple whore supernatural is too convenient – as it always means she feels no human pain, has no desire to leave and can an endless for thousands of men to masturbate into.

She becomes the courtesan, who is allow small amounts of power intelligence as long she always available as a fuck-doll that will be thrown away when she is old or just boring for men.

She becomes the sex worker, who is told she is free and empowered – only to find men will and can be violent her whenever he want, for she is always the whore so owned by men.

It is a system that I named the Alice Through the Looking-Glass Approach – that is a constant brainwashing that bad is good, and bad is the only way to live – a world where sadism is call fun, and all escape is blocked.

To keep the prostituted under the control of sex trade profiteers, it is vital to make all the outside world seemed to there to destroy, or at the minimum unattainable.

Over 4000 years the sex trade profiteers have perfected ways of brainwashing, lying and keeping hidden all outside knowledge from the prostituted class.

This includes giving the prostituted no language expect the language of their oppressors.

So, never say to those of us who somehow manage to survive and exit the sex trade – that it is only words, words don’t.

No if you call yourself an ally for abolition, then learn to shut up and listen hard as we speak to what language and individual word mean to us.

Let me choose some words, some expressions that should either used with great care, or never used when speaking about the conditions of the sex trade.

I choose to start with that word that can bring bile to my throat – “choice” which is often placed like sisters with “empowerment”.

How can the Left and Liberals be so naive or determined not to want to know, that those words were stolen by the sex trade profiteers, and used to manipulate that prostitution is somehow Leftist, is about giving freedom and strength to the prostituted – heck it just a job ain’t it.

Choice is a lovely concept, and for many things it can be wonderful – you choose what music you love, you can choose your friends, you can choose where to have a holiday.

Choice is also a terrible delusion, the language of choice is used to keep the oppressed trapped and silences all questioning of why they are being oppressed.

This is a classic tool of all forms of long-term oppression – and has part of the structure of the sex trade.

To make the prostituted think and believe that it was her free choice to be in the sex trade – is a powerful tool to silence and keep her as a sub-human.

The vast majority if not all of the prostituted are in conditions where her individual choices have no relevance.

Whether the prostitute enter freely or by force, is of little relevance to the punters or sex trade profiteers.

Once you become classed as a prostitute, your individual choices are tossed away – it is impossible to have access to choice, if you are made sub-human sexual goods.

The prostituted are made sub-human – so there is no real violence done to them, no violence for it is decided that the prostituted have no human emotions like hurt, fear or deep grief.

How dare that be named as empowerment.

What is so empowering about being fuck-holes for any and all men?

What is so empowering about being moved from street to street, from street prostitution into a brothel, from city to city, from escorting to inside porn, from country to country, from being a victim prostitute when 14 to an empowered whore at aged 17?

I am so hurting  – pain is a bit much.

Bloody think before you speak – I am so sick of your language.

A Change is Coming

Last night, Canada become another country that is making hard for men to buy the prostituted. Slowly, there is a change coming.

A change away the so-called norm of men being entitled to buy and sell the prostituted for sexual greed.

A change that it can seen as normal to say prostitution is just a nasty job, but someone has to do it.

A change that makes some women and girls, and some males so sub-human that can be sexually tortured, raped and murdered – and it framed as adult leisure.

I am thrilled that slowly, and on occasions a sudden rush – that prostitution is being seen for what it is.

Seen as a human rights emergency.

Seen as mental, physical and sexual torture.

Seen as the oldest and largest genocide this world has ever know.

I know this is a dangerous time, especially for those of us who are abolitionists and have exited the sex trade.

We are always under attack from the sex trade lobby, that is so normal to us, that we rarely make it public.

Most abolitionists survivors try to ignore the hate and terror sent to us almost every day, hoping they will slowly get bored.

We usually do not publish or acknowledge their constant war on us, we will not give them free publicity or advertisement for their profits on the bodies of the prostituted still trapped in the sex trade.

But I feel on occasions it is vital to speak out against this war on our minds and ability to keep going forward.

First I want everyone on the Left and in feminism, to start taking seriously what is happening to survivors who are now abolitionists – take serious how powerful the sex trade lobby is, and recognised the extreme hate throw at us.

Andrea Dworkin know this hate, and where and why it is targeted at exited women who dare to speak out in particular – she preach that the sex trade are furious that their goods are rebelling, for we should be dead or too damaged to speak out.

The sex trade lobby has total contempt for all the prostituted class, especially those of us who dare to be alive and to be had the strength to say where we came from.

They want us wipe from the face of the earth – preferably without getting their hands dirty by forcing us into suicide.

This is done in multiple ways, but the main weapon is that their attacks are relentless, or it never done by a single “troll” but a highly organised criminal organisations.

This means the sex trade has access to huge amounts of money and people to keep a non-stop low of hate and lies.

They invade Twitter, Facebook, our blogs, our emails, attempt to find our private addresses.

They threaten our mental and physical welfare, threaten our families, and say enough lies that our friends are made to doubt us.

They use our trauma as a weapon to destroy us – saying we were too weak to deal with the “job”, using that we have fragmented memories to “prove” we are liars.

They pretend to be caring – only to say it just a story, and most of prostitution is empowering to women.

They send us invitations to work for them in their lovely brothels – then we can see it not so violent, coz of course they are the friendly caring pimps.

They get punters to write to us to explain how ignorant we are – for we just need to meet the “good punter” to see how wrong we are.

They explain to us how men must have access to the prostituted, coz they are lonely, disabled, unattractive etc. Making out we are evil to deny men that entitlement.

Sometimes, they just lose it saying we too ugly to be a real prostitute, too weak to know our own truths, too sub-human to even be polite to and have a reasonable debate with.

It is their common weapon to tell us that we were never “real” prostitutes – so our tales should be dismissed or shown to be lies.

They say we are paid bags of money to lie about the sex trade.

It goes on an on and on – it is soul-destroying.

Of course, there are highly personal attacks as well as those politics attacks.

We are attacked for being too damaged to know the truth – never that the damage was forced into us by the constant hate and violence that is prostitution.

We are told we are murdering the prostituted by wanting abolition or the Nordic Approach.

It is a slow torture.

I want this to taken seriously, for as the progress to abolition is slowly taking hold – the sex trade lobby will get more aggressive and even less rational.

The attacks on abolitionists who are survivors will get worse – and we need support and your strength.

Thanks.

Why I Put Links Up

My last post was written to show how much exited women on the net are intimated.

It is all links to this blog since  I started it, all porn links and threatening language is normal.

This is not the work of trolls, who are mainly individuals detach from society. No, it is highly organised and unrelenting hate from the sex trade lobby.

My post was written from a place of frustration, a place of anger and a place of reaching out.

There is constant trolling of feminists on the net, especially on Twitter – and often women and some men are very supportive to the women who are being persecuted.

This is wonderful – but I want to write to say that exited women get an endless onslaught of hate and intimidation, and we receive little or no support, or even much interest in our plight.

Sorry – is that because we are considered human enough to hurt by the porn-fuelled hate throw at us?

Are we not feminist enough to be worthy of support when we are attacked to the point we could kill ourselves?

Or are we so sub-human that we just have get used to it and shut up complaining?

The sex trade lobby is trying to drive us mad, trying to make us commit suicide, trying to wipe our voices from the face of the earth.

This is done by relentless intimidation and ridicule.

This is not individuals but a multi-billions of dollars organisation, that has plenty of time and people to grind opposition into dust.

It is common for the sex trade profiteers to pay punters to send hate and threats to our blogs, to our Facebook pages, and to Twitter.

We are being attacked by the sex trade for daring to know and speak the truth, and the more we are believed and respected, the more threatened the sex trade is.

I want feminists and the Left to be more supportive to all exited women who are being attacked.

Do not turn away from us – unless you can accept that will seen as you viewing us as sub-humans.

Links

Very triggering

 

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Contradiction in Terms

This post is written for feminists – to say it is a contradiction in terms to call being inside the sex trade sex work.

This post is a rallying call to stop saying is a labour issue.

This post is saying to all feminists to go deeper into the emotional deadness that is the backbone of all aspects of existing inside the sex trade.

I am and always will be a feminist, a feminist of old-fashioned Dworkinist kind, feminist that believes in learning by listening hard, a feminist who find too much feminism is too timid.

We are too timid to take the measure of the sex trade and to confront by any means.

There is no more direct action against porn and sex trade – just endless conferences, blogs that tend to be read by those who agree with us, and the inaction of Twitter and Facebook “debates”

We are too timid to say and speak the conditions for the prostituted class – especially timid to speak to their common torturing, timid to stare down into their emotional void.

It has become like Andrea Dworkin and her like never existed.

Could it be that the “discovery” that Andrea Dworkin was prostituted, was able to speak to the unique deadness of being inside that world – meant her words were and can be dismissed.

For the history of rebellion against the sex trade has always been about never allowing the voices of those who know the inside of existing that world being made to disappear.

There has always been women and men who have exited the sex trade who have spoken out against it.

Always our voices are silenced, are taken over to fit other’s agendas, has been dismissed as individual stories or signs that all the prostituted are mentally damaged.

The language of rebellion and striving for full human is part of all the prostituted – for we have known genocide, know extreme physical and mental torture, know nothing to us is personal is just commerce.

Our multiple voices can never fit your agendas, never be push back to just facts and statistics, never be truly heard until you can hold and truly heard our haunted emotions.

I write now to feminists, but of this about all our allies.

To hear and be a true ally to exited women is to learn to less timid about hearing dark emotions.

We are angry – but not the simple angry of now, it is an angry of nearly the whole of human history being built on the concept that having a prostituted class is reasonable.

It is an anger of knowing how huge that is – that we cannot just look to our time, place and culture and think solves prostitution and porn.

The sex trade has been embedded in most of this world for the minimum of 3000 years – it is not Western/Eastern thing, is it not a Christian/Muslim/Jewish/Buddhist/Sikh/Atheist thing, it not Fascist/Communist/Capitalist thing – it is part of all of them.

But it is about the male entitlement thing that all male-formed religious and political systems have.

That is why the sex trade can embed itself into the vast minority of cultures or ways that people are controlled by religion or politics. For it can fit in with most cultures which were formed for the benefit of powerful men.

The sex trade is a parasite who go under the skin of every culture and slowly sucks it dry.

In the end, since at the minimum of 3000 years it can be almost impossible to separate the wants and greed of the sex trade from what is considered any individual culture, individual religious/political ways of controlling, or even what make any country stand out.

The skill of the sex trade is to make itself acceptable and view as harm-free by adapting to the culture wherever they see a new market.

That is our anger – the anger of seeing what others make invisible or walk by.

We are grieving.

Our grief is partly the grief of never understanding why we survived, when it is just a fact that the vast majority of the prostituted disappear, lose their minds or are dead.

We have survivor guilt and grief – but we are given no space to speak to that.

I cannot understand a feminism that does allow the prostituted to grieve – to speak to that sense of chance that is surviving the sex trade.

I have seen the grief express round rape in feminism, seen the grief of domestic violence inside feminism, even the grief of childhood abuse laid bare in feminism.

But the grief of the prostituted is made to be small, made that it must stay controlled and always to be acceptable to others.

I am sorry to say this is keeping the prostituted as sub-humans who are not allowed to feel like other women.

Our grief is huge – but your fear of our expression of that grief does not make it smaller.

I want feminism to be less afraid of staring into the darkness of what it is and was to be prostituted.

I cannot understand any form of feminism that is not prepared to learn, and to be quiet enough to hear exited women.

After all, we are witnesses to what male violence and control is.

We are and were at the coal-face of patriarchy.

We know in our bodies, in the killing of our emotions, in becoming sub-human – what it is to owned and manipulated by pure male power and sense of entitlement.

We know without any doubt that all male sexual violence is never accidental, or an one-off, or some mental slip – it is planned and an act of power done by very ordinary men.

We have live being sub-human – being holes to masturbated into, being a mouth/anus to be penetrated, to being a piece of meat to fuck until dead or made nothing.

You cannot understand the reality of being prostituted until you know beyond facts what it is to be brought and sold, what it is to be sexual goods that are passed around.

You cannot understand our realities if you do factor in grooming, the skill of all punters/consumers and sex trade profiteers to mentally break down the prostituted.

You will never understand the sex trade if you do see how they can control their sexual goods – often till the point that it the oppressed who become recruiters.

I believe for feminism to move with exited women – it need more courage.

We need to give less space to trolls who are mostly sex trade profiteers or punters.

These trolls don’t listen to anything that feminists or abolitionists say – all they want is tangle us up in endless “debates” that go nowhere, hoping to grind us down or at the least prevent the practical work of forging abolition going forward.

Feminists need to stop speaking over or for the exited women, especially to stop using our ideas and words and saying you invented them.

Feminists should not treat resistance to the sex trade as something new – but know it built on a long and very noble legacy.

Feminists should be so scare of looking in the void of what it was and is to be in the prostituted class.

I want to get back the courage that I call the spirit of Dworkin, the spirit of every Whore who woke up and saw her reality.