Listening to Blondie

Blondie, my lust object, my dreams that crashes through many years of nightmares.

I would imagine Debbie Harry smashing down punters, blowing up the flats where torture was my norm, killing those who made money out of my hell.

I imagine hard in order not to see/know/feel my reality.

I needed Debbie Harry to rescue me.

Instead I carry her fierceness inside, hidden from punters, hidden from sex trade profiteers.

I played Blondie loudly as I was raped, played Blondie over crashed over words of hate, words making me dead.

I played Blondie loudly as I was moved from flat to sex club to hotel rooms to toilets to back-alley to my own room to under a subway.

I played Blondie loudly as students, politicians, artists, businessmen raped me.

I played Blondie as a United Nations of men raped and tortured.

I played Blondie as I was gang-raped, as I was almost drown, as I was being strangled, as all my skin was polluted.

Only I played in silence, for there no way I would let punters have that much of myself.

Blondie was my privacy, Blondie was my small moments of happiness – Blondie was the warrior no punter could destroy.

Blondie stood for a sexuality that could be free, could be joyful.

A sexuality with laughter, with exchange of power with a good heart – a sexuality that was a gift to others, but also wild enough to be liberated.

For my prostituted Self, Blondie was my dream of sex with freedom, sex without fear, control and pain.

I held Debbie Harry in my heart as an example of a world outside the sex trade.

I had to hold on tight to her to believe I was more than a whore, more than holes for endless men to fuck, more than a sex doll.

I put up posters of Blondie above my bed, making a small space private.

In times when I could rest enough to have peace – I prayed to Debbie Harry to rescue me, I prayed for her strength.

I was more than in lust with Debbie Harry, I put all I had left of knowing love into her.

I knew there was no god/goddesses/spiritual beings to save me – so I put all my desperation into Debbie Harry.

But in reality, it was never Debbie Harry I was praying to – it was always just speaking to myself, reminding my Self of my own inner strength, pushing myself to know there was a world outside of prostitution.

I will always celebrate my love of Blondie – for it give me the will never to be made sub-human.

Something is Broken

I have decided to write, that I cannot do this in such isolation.

Yes, of course I know and fully appreciate that there is a community of abolitionists out there, but I reach it mainly through the net.

That is not enough – that will never be enough.

I have been writing this blog for over 5 years, I have written around 1015 blog posts, I have supported several exited women, I have given some rallying talks and much more that I do anonymously.

I am very proud of all I have given – but now I want to ask for my readers and supporters to give back.

I write this to break my isolation, I write this be reminder there is hope, I write to silence the voices of hate who love to communicate with me.

These voices are close to breaking me, they will not break me working – but they know what breaks my heart.

I need a more solid community around me – in that, I speak for all of us who managed to exit the sex trade.

I/we need a community round that tells us of their abolitionist actions, not assume we know by reading your minds.

We need to know what is being done in practical terms to bring about real change for the prostituted – count us in all your actions, even it is just to email us.

To know that you care enough to do practical actions for the lives and dignity of the prostituted class means so much to all the exited – it gives us hope, it make us see progress, and most important it breaks our isolation.

If you care enough to do practical action, however small or big, is a wonderful gift – you are giving back to us our humanity.

Another thing that is needed by me/us is to have real human contact outside the computer.

Many of the most powerful campaigners who happened to also of exited the sex trade, lived in isolation.

We may communicate over the net, but often outside the community of other exited folks, there is little interest in meeting in person.

This keeps us as the Other, keeps us doubting our full humanity.

It strips us of the basic human right of being part of society.

This is sad, well tragic – for this is excluding folks who have given so much and all you do is take.

You will read and use our words, you will have us as token speakers, you will put us in your news article/documentary – but would you invite us to have coffee with you.

I know many have read this blog for years, many of my readers are very supportive over the net – that is wonderful, but there can be more.

I think the human voice or contact is more powerful than Facebook/Twitter/email/blog comments can even touch.

A phone call or Skype means more than you imagine.

A trip to the pub or coffee shop is a gift from heaven.

Anything to break this deadly and dangerous silence.

I hate writing this, I hate to ask for such simple things – things that should be given without having to ask.

But I am drowning in this silence.

The thing I may look like I am just waving not drowning – for I keep working, I keep placing music and film stars on Facebook, I stay inside the computer.

But my work is painful, my work is under constant attack, my work comes from a place of deep grief.

My work is isolating – I need human contact to do it.

No-one is an island, so don’t make exited folks into one.



You would think as an exited prostituted woman, well as a woman, I would be used to name-calling. But there a new invented word that sends out poison.


It is has a word that has no meaning, but is used to shame and degrade abolitionists.

It is wrong to use that kind of language against anyone who bravely fights for the human rights of prostituted – but to used against those us who have exited the sex trade is insulting and deeply ignorant.

I cannot understand how it possible to accuse anyone who has somehow manage to exit the sex trade of being afraid or hate others inside that world.

But it not about any type of phobia – no it plain and simple speech use to shame and silence us.

We are speaking truth to power – and that power wants more than silence, it wants us wiped from existence.

Whorephobia is linked to another made up word – transphobia, fear and hate of transsexual.

Both are words not used by the vast majority of the communities they claim to represent – I have never any prostituted person say whore or whorephobia as some kind of rallying cry, the same with vast majority of the transsexual community.

No these words of hate are used by an elite minority, of mainly white men, academics, and sex trade profiteers.

These are groups with hands on power, which they have no intention of letting go or even having the dignity to share.

These are groups that are used to being in control, and hold that control through brainwashing, emotional blackmail, real or threatened physical violence, humiliation, shaming, sexual violence, and murder.

These are highly entitled groups, who have no or very little understanding of oppression.

The use of whorephobic to shut up exited women, especially, comes from this position of power.

There is no empathy for the conditions that the prostituted have to live in.

There is little or no concern for the mental/sexual/physical welfare of the prostituted, hell, though who call us whorephobic never care or even notice that the prostituted are thrown all the time everywhere.

Ironically, those who accuse us – the exited – of being whorephobic of murdering the prostituted or at the least allowing to die, by our support of the Nordic Approach.

This is a sick way of silencing us – for it the sex trade lobby that promotes a system that is killing the prostituted every single day.

It is the sex trade lobby that would push prostitution indoors, and hides the vast of violence that occurs to the prostituted.

It is the sex trade lobby that refuses to acknowledge the daily murders or disappearances of the prostituted – usually blaming any and everything except the violence of punters and sex trade profiteers.

They will call us murderers – just because we stare down what it is and was to be prostituted, how death stalk our every moment, and murder became a non-event coz it was too common.

We are called murderers for seeing beyond their lies – and placing the blame on the punters and sex trade profiteers.

We see the truth, so they accuse of being murderers.

I need to say I have never met anyone who exited the sex trade who hate or fears those who are still inside the sex trade.

They are us, and we are them – so it would self-hate and self-destruction to be what they say is whorephobia.

When we speak out, we speak for all those still inside prostitution, we speak with empathy, we speak from a place of deep love, we are holding their hands in times of fear and confusion.

All of us know our pasts are never over whilst the sex trade exists.

We know in our hearts, that our pasts rapes/tortures/death-threats are everyday for the prostituted now.

We can never hate or fear our prostituted folks who can see no exit, and have to survive by blocking out emotions and thoughts of the outside world.

For that was us, we remembered all too well that deadness, that refusal to be any more than a robot.

Their present was our past.

We can never forget, we do not want to forget whilst we know their suffering is still happening.

So how dare you say that we are whorephobic – you have never walked in our shoes.

The Vanishing

Today the report of femicide in Britain is being published. It is written by the brilliant Karen Ingala Smith, with the help of Women’s Aid.

This report is about the murders that have reported, so it is mainly focused on domestic violence murders, there are a few reported murders of the prostituted, but in reality it nowhere near the actual numbers – not even skimming the surface of the genocide of the prostituted.

In this post, I will try to explain why and how these deaths are made to vanish.

To be clear, the sex trade has become skilled at making outsiders look the other way as it does the longest and largest genocide known to history.

The prostituted have just disappeared for the minimum of 3000 years, in all continents and in most cultures.

The trick of the sex trade is to replaced the goods, and to make the prostituted so sub-human, that the disappearance of one prostitute to be replaced by another goes unnoticed.

The disappearances are not questioned if business goes on as normal.

The disappearances are not questioned if the prostitute is isolated from friends or family.

The disappearances are not questioned when most are done in indoors prostitution or other private spaces.

And the disappearances are not questioned when it is decided the prostituted are too sub-human to be murdered, it is decided it just rough sex.

But the prostituted women and girls are the most likely to be violently killed than any other groups of females – including domestic violence, deaths at work or through natural disasters.

It is thought that the prostituted females will die from male violence at least 20 times more than females of similar age or background.

20 times minimum – hold that in your mind, hold it tight – and wonder where all those lives, those bodies, those memories have gone.

Don’t let their lives still be owned by the sex trade, by making their deaths nothing.

I know that to reach the age of 27 is rare for all the prostituted.

I know that the exited women, including myself, were the exception not the rule.

We lived, but that was just a toss of a coin – as most the prostituted could never exit whether through being trapped in prostitution, too ill to be truly free or just killed or one of the disappeared.

Every time, an exited woman speak out she does with the ghosts of the disappeared on her shoulder pushing her forward.

The sex trade has made almost impossible to record these disappearances, as it has been skilled at making the majority of the male violence invisible.

The sex trade has made the prostituted nameless, with no authentic voice/s, with no access to the outside world – so if the just disappear, it is a non-event.

Murder is so normal in prostitution, that when in that world you learn to block it away.

When I did indoors prostitution, women just disappear on a regular basic, I heard noises of extreme violence all the time, I saw the fear or dead eyes of the prostituted till I could not hold it any more.

My norm was to not to get to know my fellow prostituted too well, coz to have a friend torn away was too unbearable.

I lived in an environment with threats of murder were my norm.

I was told the truth – that I could be thrown away, coz no-one gives a damn about yet another dead whore.

Think – how much does society really even noticed when a prostitute dies, especially when she was doing indoors prostitution.

Even with street-based prostituted, their violent deaths are only recorded if there is some juicy connection to made.

Our deaths only matter if a serial killer is being considered – and then only if he seen as a threat to non-prostituted women, or if some tedious study of his actions can be made.

Our deaths may be reported if connected with a famous punter.

But most deaths of the prostituted just vanish from the records, go unreported and are hidden from history.

I know that the majority of murders in brothels, escorting, in sex clubs, or in the punter’s home are made to vanish.

The dead of my prostituted sisters is thrown onto a trash-heap that should be stinking the world out – should be seen to give us all some conscious.

I cannot count my dead sisters, for they have stripped of their real names, stripped of their lives beyond the sex trade, stripped of being human.

I cannot count my dead sister for the numbers is too great for my brain to hold, too large to not break my heart.

But I can grieve, I can have deep fury, I can want to have endless memorials for those who have gone before me.

They may be nameless – but they must never be forgotten.

Abolition is Long-Term

I want to thank all who have supported my recent SOS, but I do not want it to be a five-minute wonder.

I will write some personal views of what I think abolition means to exited folks, to me on an individual level and why it not easy or short-term.

It is vital to know who and what the sex trade lobby is and what they are not.

The sex trade lobby is not a bunch of individual trolls hiding behind their computers.

The sex trade is a highly organised, with almost endless funds, and recruit many punters and abused prostituted to write or make their protest.

The sex trade lobby is organised by those who profiteer from the dehumanising of all the prostituted – the sex trade lobby is pimp’s lobby, the sex trade lobby does only care about profit so is also the punter’s lobby.

So, these are the things that the sex trade is not –

It has no concern for the mental, physical or sexual welfare of the prostituted.

It not about empowering the prostituted.

It does nothing to improve the human rights of the prostituted.

It ignores all health and safety for the prostituted.

And it willfully makes all the prostituted class into sub-human.

So if you even have a small feeling that abolition is an answer – than stop believing the sex trade lobby and its propaganda.

Do not believe prostitution can be made safe – or at the minimum safe enough to ignore again.

Do not fall for the myths that indoors prostitution can be made safe, can be made empowering and is somehow prostitute-friendly.

Think clearer, and think of how the vast majority of male violence done to the non-prostituted is done indoors and by men that are known to the victim.

Why, would prostituted females be the only females who are safe alone with men indoors – it makes no sense, maybe because it is pure rubbish or simple lying by those who profiteer from indoors prostitution.

Be real – punters who buy women are likely to see her as goods, these men are highly likely to be violent whilst thinking it is a non-event.

These punters, whether or not they use street-based prostitution or the multiple forms of indoors prostitution, will usually be sadistic indoors.

Look at the common murders of the prostituted – the Ipswich murderer brought the prostituted women off the street, but killed in the privacy of his flat, the same as the murders in Bradford.

In Canada, the horrific murders of mainly indigenous prostituted women by a recent serial killer, was done in the privacy of his work-space.

And, speak and truly hear exited women who did mainly indoors prostitution, and know our knowledge that it is easy to make the prostituted just disappeared from brothels, disappeared from hotel rooms, disappeared from visit to the homes of punters, disappeared from sex clubs.

It is normal for the prostituted to just disappear from the “safety” of indoors prostitution – but this not important enough to be reported, not important to be crime or research statistics.

No, put prostitution behind closed doors and like magic it is made invisible.

I am finding it hard to focus on this post, mostly because when I think of supporting those of us who have exited the sex trade, I get a deep hole of despair and pessimism inside my soul.

I am terrified that as in the majority of the history of the prostituted fighting for freedom, we will be abandoned by allies and left to face the sex trade lobby alone.

This must not happened, for the sex trade lobby will refuse to see any humanity in the prostituted class, and hope by isolating us it can make our destruction invisible.

For the sex trade lobby is creating and has created genocide of the prostituted.

It is a clever genocide for it made invisible, by having a constant supply of desperate people who will replaced the prostituted who have been killed or just made to disappear.

It is a genocide that feeds off all the miseries done to human – it recruits through poverty, recruits in times of wars or natural disasters, recruit from child abuse, recruits from racism, recruits from women being made second-class citizens, recruits from allowing people to have no self-esteem, and on and on and on.

The sex trade recruits and then will form a highly profitable market.

It should be seen for its cynicism and that it desire to silence any protest by our deaths being non-news.

So when I try to write what I personally would like to do to support and fight for the prostituted – remember my heart is broken.

I want anger – not the passive reaction of liking the efforts of the exited to break that enforced silence.

We do not need or want your pity, your tears hiding apathy, your placing our lives into boxes that you can control.

Most of the exited want freedom, want justice, want soldiers who fight for that – not signing petitions, endless talk or re-telling of token stories.

It is not a time of negotiation – how do negotiate with the sex trade lobby who see no humanity in the prostituted?

It is a time to fight on every level.

I would love to the old anger back of burning down sex shop; of photographing men entering sex clubs/shops, men going to brothels; the boycotting of porn companies; the demonstrations in red-light district.

I would love all action led and guided by exited folks.

I would love that we listen to exited on a deeper level than just politics or short-term issues – no hear what our trauma means, hear our understanding of male violence, hear our ways of living through that violence.

I would love grief, pain and trauma to be in every discussion about why we must have abolition.

I would love there to be at least annual marches to commemorate the destruction of the prostituted class – not to place as after-thought or footnote to male violence.

I would love every city or town to have a permanent memorial to that lose.

Just simple ways of showing society sees the prostituted as fully human.

I want each and every reader of this blog to question men on their use of the prostituted.

I want men who say they are abolitionists to confront other men they know who consume the sex trade.

I want there to be an environment of shame place on the punters and consumers of the sex trade.

I want serious punishment for punters – for serial rape, for GBH/ABH, and for torture.

I want serious punishment of sex trade profiteers – for physical/mental/sexual violence, for forced imprisonment, for use of slaves, and so much more extreme crimes.

Why is seen as good enough to just fine punters who are mostly serial rapists, capable of physical/mental/sexual torture – could be another reminder that the prostituted are not human enough to deserve justice?

I know there is tons more to say – but do whatever you can to stop this genocide – don’t look away.


I have been seeing some support around trolls writing mental violence to many radical feminists, or even women who just speak their mind.

It is horrific that there is such silencing of women, but it is wonderful that it has got good women and a few men to give support and plan actions.

There is a sisterhood for many women attacked on the net – but is that sisterhood willing to reach out to exited women when they are under constant attack.

Sadly, it appears highly unlikely, or only there if it is easy or about signing petitions or clicking “like”.

There is little or no rallying round when violence and hate to exited women becomes all too real.

Where is the sisterhood when it comes to standing to pimp/punter- thinking?

Where is the sisterhood when exited women speaks out about physical attacks from the sex trade lobby?

And would the sisterhood honoured our deaths if the sex trade did make us disappear or commit suicide or just murder us in a casual way?

I know many of you reading this, will be saying to yourself “I would never abandoned exited women”.

But please tell what you do of practical help when exited women are persecuted by the sex trade lobby.

This is an SOS, for this is beyond an emergency.

This is a time for action not clicking like, not just reading our words, not just signing petitions.

It is a time to be uncomfortable and fully face the reality of being an exited woman.

I have very lucky, for I have escaped almost entirely connections with the punters and profiteers who used.

This luck gives me the privilege to see the constant attacks on my exited Sisters with a degree of detachment, and deep heartache.

I am lucky that the vast majority of attacks done to me on a “personal” level, are done by parts of the sex trade lobby that will not bother to track me down in person, just send generalised hate through the net.

I am lucky I do not feel under physical threat – but for the seven years that I have been open about being exited and an abolitionist, the mental violence is background noise.

I know this mental violence is not done by trolls who never seemed to leave their computer seats – it is highly organised by the sex trade lobby.

This means it will be relentless, seeing as it has endless funds and many willing people to do their dirty work.

This is not just about silencing exited women, it is much more sinister than that.

It is about annihilating all the prostituted, and making sure there is no record of our protest.

This has always been how the sex trade lobby has dealt with exited women who become abolitionists.

There is a long and brave history of exited women attempting to speak truth to power – it is more than likely as long as women have been enslaved in the sex trade.

But the history of prostitution is re-written by the sex trade lobby every generation. The voices of all those brave exited women is throw into the trash.

But each and every exited carries that history of rebellion forward, we refused to be silenced despite knowing the force of our enemy.

We know their weapons – we know they think nothing of torturing us back into submission, we know they make gas-lighting into an art form, we know they would rape back into being sub-human, and we know they would kill us without any conscious.

But we still stand tall – so where is our support or actions to protect us?

I know that many of my exited Sisters live the fear and background noise of pimps and punters knowing where they live, where their children or other loved one are – or are trying to track down information to stalk them.

This is no computer threat, through the knowledge is gained through the computer – this is simple physical threat, threat of real crime, threat that all about making us sub-human.

Sometimes, the threat is just keep on the mental level, by constant stalking or sending hate through the computer.

But the reality of physical attacks, or forcing us back into the sex trade, is always a reality.

Many amazing exited women have been so terrified and persecuted that they have stop writing, stop speaking out, left all social networks and go back to isolation.

These are women who voices are powerful and needed for abolition to go forward.

I want more anger at the war against exited women – for otherwise is can appear that we are not fully human, so we should stop moaning and just cope with it.


The Clouds are Clearing

I am proud to say that by facing my trauma, it has cleared for the while.

I have always found that confronting my past works for me – though that is personal, and I would not suggest it for anyone else.

But I have the soul of a stubborn warrior who need to understand and confront pain.

I see my hidden essence like the Samurai in classic Japanese films, only willing to fight when pushed to their limit and only fight against forces of hate and sadism.

To be a true warrior, is to mainly walk away from violence especially violence that from a place of deep fear or inability to find justice.

To be a true warrior, is know what battles to fight – know many battles may be lost or bring about deep despair, but always to keep your eyes on the prize.

To be an abolitionist against the sex trade, that warrior is needed.

For to bring about abolition, great patience is needed whilst at the same time being willing to be ready for sudden action.

Another part of being a warrior is learning to able to be still enough to know deep grief, and see the reasons you have no choice but to fight.

A true warrior comes to the battle after the reality of pain, seeing unspeakable actions, knowing a sorrow that may not be repairable.

Part of the warrior spirit is to sat in stunned silence knowing how evil humans can be to other humans.

A true warrior is able to be racked with grief.

A true warrior can feel no hope, but somehow has the strength to keep going forward.

To be a true warrior is choose the hard path over the easy road.

To be a true is know how isolated you have been and will be – but also have the courage to seek out other warriors.

For no end of the sex trade, can be done by one woman – we must build an army of warriors who know grief and pain, but never let that stop the fight.

Each and every warrior in this war, carries the lives of those still embedded in the sex trade, we carry the many deaths and disappearances of the prostituted class.

We hold each and every person inside the sex trade as heroes, we remembered those we have lost with honour and deep respect.

Each warrior in the movement fight to end the hate, sadism and destruction of the prostituted’s humanity that are the foundations of every aspect of the sex trade.

We will never leave any prostitute to suffer – even one prostitute being raped or torture is one too many.

This is a war where our enemy see the prostituted as sub-humans.

How is possible to have respect for an enemy that viewed the prostituted class as throwaway sexual goods, has made it out that prostituted deserve no human rights – an enemy that create an invisible genocide by replacing the goods.

The sex trade, punters and supporters of the existence of the sex trade have created a world where millions of the prostituted are living in conditions of torture, living under the constant threat of violent death – and frame this as adult (male) entertainment.

Our suffering is just one huge joke to our enemy

So we must fight even if only to silence that laughter.