A highly dangerous myth that the sex trade lobby promotes is that violent punters are easy to spot, and with time the prostituted can scan the men to find who is sadist or not.

The sex trade claims you as a prostitute can learn to spot the signs of violence, and that the prostituted will have the status and power to turn those men away.

This is toxic rubbish – this lie places all the prostituted in danger, this lie leads to deep self-hatred when the prostitute is unable to spot the violent punter.

But how do you spot a violent punter.

Do they have a cross tattooed on their foreheads?

Do they carry papers warning the prostituted of their hate and violent tendencies?

Or do they politely say to the prostitute that they may want to make her feel terror, may enjoy seeing how much pain she can take, or may want to take her to the brink of death?

Is that how the prostituted will know she is with a violent punter?

No, the sex trade lobby have the false theory that a prostitute can just scanned the punter in a few moments, and read his body behaviour and know he a good or bad punter.

For example, it is a claim a street-based prostitute will scan the punter – see if he has weapons, see how clean he is, see if he is drunk or on drugs, see if appears angry or disrespectful and all outward signs of violence.

But in reality, the vast majority of violent punters show no outward signs of violence. Most punters have the appearance of ordinary, and it only when they in a private space with the prostitute that his violence will come to the surface.

Even if a prostitute can spot violence in a punters, the vast majority of the prostituted have no power to turn away the punter.

The punter has brought sexual goods, the prostituted belong to him and he has the power to be as violent as he wants.

The prostitute has no human right to refuse or access to full consent.

It is a fantasy that most prostitutes can turn away punters without real or threats of violence.

Most of the prostituted live with the knowledge that any punter at any time and any place can be a murderer.

The prostituted live with violence at an unacceptable level as their day-to-day reality.

The prostituted get so used to being raped, that is just seen as expected – only noticed when the mind remembers to be fully human, or the shock of new pain or ways of raping dig into the body.

The prostituted live inside all male ways of torturing. Torture for many centuries has been rehearsed on the bodies of the prostituted, and re-framed as rough sex or adult entertainment.

The prostituted have learnt to live without any part of their body having privacy, being free from terror or pain – so in that environment how can the prostituted see violence in one man, when violence is her norm.

The sex trade lobby used the notion of spotting violent punters, as a way of judging and blaming the prostituted for not defending themselves.

Look at the individual prostituted woman and her responsibility to keep herself safe – then by magic, the ordinary violence of punters is made invisible, and also made invisible is that the whole sex trade is structured for sadist men.

It becomes that a prostitute is too weak for not defending herself, that she cannot handle the stress of “the job”.

It is never the fault of punters or sex trade profiteers.

It is a sick trick to keep the focus on the individual prostitute – for then it becomes almost impossible to make real change or to truly hear the prostituted.

It is always the responsibility of the punter if he makes the choice to be a sadist or not.

But then it always the responsibility of all men not to buy other humans for their sexual wants and greed.

No man has the right to buy a prostitute, no man can buy consent, no man can owned another human to masturbate into.

The act of making the choice to buying another human for your sexual goods is an act of violence in and of itself.

That is the bottom line – no man is entitled to buy the prostituted, whatever excuse they may invent.

If you are find excuses for the existence of punters and their sexual wants, their desire to have power over the oppressed – then imagine a woman who you hold deep to your heart as the prostitute he will buy.

Imagined your loved ones having endless penises forced down her throat – till breathing is a struggle, and holding back sick only comes with the repeated acts of violence.

Imagined your loved ones having no voice or expression to refuse any sexual or physical violence – she is brought goods, so human rights have no relevance.

Imagined your loved ones knowing all forms of torture, knowing the worse violence that goes into her body and mind, the more she will never be believed.

When you make excuses for punters – imagine they just lonely, too shy, handicapped, anti-social or just having a laugh – think of your loved ones under the punter’s hate and rage.

Maybe then you may see there can never a good enough for any form of prostitution.

Blocking is Survival

Dedicated to all my amazing survivor Sisters – you know who you are.

Recently the sex trade lobby have been shouting loudly – how we must listen to the prostituted who are inside the sex trade.

But, as with everything the sex trade lobby, it is highly selective what type of the prostituted we should listen.

It should be mainly white middle-class women who state how empowering prostitution has been for them.

It is the classic Happy Hooker who appears to be rich, empowered and self-sufficient.

In other the wet dream of the average punter, and the cash-cow for the sex trade profiteers.

Most of these spokeswomen are being pushed forward to speak the male language of those profiteers and punters.

If the sex trade can get prostituted to say it is harm-free, a great earner, that it is flexible hours, that it is somehow feminist – then it can keep hidden all the common male violence and entitlement that underpins every aspect of the industry.

These women are pushed to the front as ways to recruit, to advertise, and to speak words that are lies.

The sex trade wants to pretend it is feminist, pretend it gives a damn about the rights of the prostituted, pretend it is somehow left-wing.

It want it to be invisible that the sex trade is the larger capitalist and exploitative industry that men have ever invented.

Hiding behind prostituted women is easy – for most prostituted are emotionally dead and will speak whatever words that make them block out their reality.

It is this blocking that makes the prostituted easy to manipulate.

Blocking out reality is a vital survival mechanism for all the prostituted.

Who want to live with a reality where only worth is to be brought and sold as sexual goods?

It is no matter if you brought as a sex object twenty times a night, or you are brought as a sex object once a month – it is a reality that must be closed down.

Who want to live with the reality that to be prostituted means that at any place, in any aspects of prostitution – the punters can choose to rape, batter, torture or murder you?

There is no such thing as a safe type of prostitution – escorts are tortured, raped, battered and murdered as are street-based prostitutes, male violence is the norm in brothels as well saunas.

It is normal for women who have in any form of prostitution for more than three years to know several prostituted women who have disappeared or been murdered.

It is normal for the long-term prostituted women to have been raped by hundreds if no thousands of punters.

It is normal for the long-term prostituted women to be moved round many aspects of the sex trade, and moved to many locations.

All this makes for a reality that must be blocked out to survive with some form of sanity.

The body holds what the mind refuses to knows.

This is when it becomes easy to be made into a spokeswoman for the sex trade – to speak to empowerment, to say you are liberated, to say you are strong and happy.

But look into the eyes of the Happy Hooker – and see a deadness of knowing the future is just a dream.

Look behind the Happy Hooker, and see the puppet masters are the sex trade profiteers and punters.

Hitting a Brick Wall

I have found trying to communicate with some liberal student feminists is to smash into a brick wall.

A wall of deep denial, a wall of blocking their ears.

A wall that is built to silenced the multiple voices of exited women.

I will write a little of my contact with British student feminists, and hope it points how highly intelligent women can decide to be ignorant.

I also write this to say that I believe too women’s group in our universities have been infiltrated by the sex trade – mainly by English Collective of Prostitutes, Sex Workers Open University and International Union of Sex Workers.

These groups speak for the status quo of the sex trade, and have only a token if any interest in the welfare of the prostituted.

These groups speak the language of the sex trade profiteers and uphold the interests of the punters.

It is these voices that are allowed in too university women’s group – and is part of the throwing away of the prostituted class.

To listen to these groups without a critical mind, is to abandon the prostituted to mental, physical and sexual violence that underpins the whole structure of the sex trade.

That is not feminist – that is a deep betrayal of the prostituted class.

It is these groups that work tirelessly to hide the common male violence that is in all forms of prostitution.

Their trick is to keep the focus on the individual prostitute, and away from the punters and sex trade profiteers.

It is vital to the sex trade lobby that we do not see male violence to the prostituted.

If we do see it, it must be blamed on the “choices” of the individual prostitute, or shown to be a weakness in a prostitute.

Male violence in the sex trade must be seen as a rarity, which the sex trade can deal with in-house.

So all discussion steer clear about the basic human rights of the prostituted, and turn to labour issues.

So it never to called prostitution or prostituted – but sex work.

Framing prostitution as sex work is a betrayal and a huge lie.

It attempts to betrays rape and abuse – including torture – as just sex.

This is done knowing the average student will frame prostitution sex as like what they know just slightly more kinky and with more men.

It is framed as paid sex – now, that sounds so great, who would not want that.

There is no mention of the power dynamics of prostitution – that the punter is buying entitlement to own and use the prostitution.

That the punter does not see the prostitute as human, but as sexual goods for him to use and throw away.

This is not sex – for the prostitute has no access to consent, the prostitute has no access to being fully human.

Prostitution is not work, it is the conditions of slavery.

The prostitute has no control over whether the punter makes the choice to be violent or not.

The sex trade lobby say that the prostitute can and should scan the punter for signs of violence.

That is ridiculous and highly dangerous propaganda.

Most violence men are capable of giving the image of being non-violent.

After all, in the world outside off prostitution, it is normal for men to hide their violence from their partners until they start domestic violence. The same with the vast majority of date rapists.

Why would punters be any different from other violent men?

Also most prostitution is done in isolation, often in a flat, hotel room or in an alley – where their no witnesses, giving the punters permission to be as violent as they want.

Violence is quick and usually there no signs that it will happen – you can batter a prostitute in 30 seconds, you can raped a prostituted in less than two minutes , and you can murder a prostituted in a minute.

But in indoors prostitution – the type of prostitution that the sex trade lobby backs – violence is the norm, for there will no outside inference, and the punters have privacy and time to be as violent as their imagination lets them be.

It is normal in indoors prostitution to be raped beyond what your mind can hold.

Gang-rapes are commonly used to controlled the prostituted in all forms of indoors prostitution.

It is normal for sex trade profiteers to take all the money – the get-rich prostitute is a deadly myth.

To be prostituted, is to live with the constant threat and reality of violence.

The prostituted are at the minimum 18 times more likely to be murdered than the general population – I say minimum, or it is normal for the prostituted to be made to disappear.

The average age of deaths in prostitution is 27.

The average age of entering prostitution in Western countries is between 12-14.

The vast majority of the prostituted were pushed into the sex trade by poverty, by previous abuse, by mental abuse, by being lied to, and by multiple ways of breaking down her humanity.

The prostituted do not have free choice, just the choice of a trapped bird that is slowly being poisoned.

I feel sick and tired that this needs to be said.

How Come You Ain’t Dead?

My past is fragmented, my past is made of holes.

I touch the many years of being prostituted, and find only an open-mouthed silent grief.

I know prostitution has rip away my adolescent, made my twenties into a grave.

I am now into my 50’s, and have finally learnt to accept their will always large parts of my own existence I can never know or understand.

What hurts is that the good parts of my past have been wiped out too, I can pretend that I remember when surround by folks who were there.

But remembering is a performance, and all too often I trip up on the familiar details.

I want to design a brain that makes the hell of prostitution small, leaving enough to know it was bad, but not interfering with the day-to-day – leaving space for the good memories.

But that is not reality, that is a dream.

Instead, my brain hold onto the horror, the sense of being empty and lost, the physical pain that was the world of prostitution.

It is not in clear memories – not logical stories to hold and speak out, not in logical time and space.

I remember many rapes as a single rape.

I see no faces on the punters only a void as endless rapes, endless smashing up my body and mind.

I remember as my body has no escape – no part of body was not polluted by punters.

My ears had sperm planted into them, were hit when I did undress quite enough.

My head was always in pain as it tried to block all reality.

My mouth and throat forgot to eat as the taste of hate drown me.

My eyes refuse to make contact with any punters. To be seen, would be like killing myself.

My arm and hands perform whatever the punter demanded, as my robot heart played lies that I would be fine.

My stomach was sick, but learn to hold it in – knowing it would just make the punter laugh or go harder.

My legs and feet were useless – I could not run, I could kick him in the balls – I just perform when waiting to be gone.

My cunt carries all his hate, his violence – it was the place were my right to be fully human was buried.

That is a short version of what it was to be prostituted. Short version of body memories, short version of living inside complex trauma.

I write this blog, inside that pain, grief and confusion.

That is why I so pleased that some of you have sent me donations, it shows deep respect. Please continue to do so and ask around or others to donate.

Now to explain the title of the blog – it is a constant refrain said to many exited folks, especially exited women with fragmented memories who now are strong abolitionists.

If it was as bad as you claim – how come you ain’t dead.

This is a refrain that is used to silenced us, implying we are exaggerating or just plain old liars.

This refrain can on occasions come a place of deep ignorance, then with care it can spoken to and if heard, education can bring change.

An education to say the prostituted are tortured, are raped on industrial scale, are made sub-humans – but somehow, not all of the prostituted died.

Those of us who have exited are living proof of this – and our testimonies must be heard, and not lessen or see as rarities.

But many who say – why ain’t you dead yet? – do not do it from a place of ignorance, but from a place of wanting to control us and silenced the multiple voices of the exited.

It said by the sex trade lobby – which is mainly sex trade profiteers, punters, and their allies in the media and academia.

It is not an innocent or naive question when by said by the sex trade – it is a statement of fury that we dare to be alive and to remember.

For to keep the sex trade going, it is vital that the prostituted have no authentic voices just the voices of being controlled and owned.

To keep the sex trade going, it is vital that the prostituted are made to forget their own realities.

To keep the sex trade going, it is vital to allow the majority of the prostituted to disappeared, to fall into silence or to be dead – so there is a constant of fresh goods to control and owned.

The exited are not meant to exist, especially if they speak their own minds, especially if they speak to torture, rape and constant fear of death.

We are meant to be dead – so there be a complete silence about the conditions for the prostituted.

Our existence is a constant threat to status quo of the sex trade – for by remembering, we are carries of deep truths.

We speak out truth to power, and shake the roots of all the sex trade

Our voices once finding their authentic truths cannot ever forget – even as our memories are fragmented.

In remembering, we must fight for justice, for freedom and full humanity for all the prostituted – for all prostituted are connected by oppression and hate.

In remembering, we lose our individual stories and find connections with other exited folks – whether from the street, strippers, from brothels, escorts etc – we all have endless violence inside our minds and bodies.

No wonder the sex trade lobby hates us, and wishes we were dead – for we never one voice, we are the multiple voices from every continent and we connect to the oppressed prostituted in the past.

This blog is very personal, but it also calling for the revolution of the exited to be made real.

We are not dead – we are alive, wanting freedom and justice.

25 Years

I usually only notice anniversaries that I would like to celebrate or remember for personal reason.

I use my Facebook page as a playground for noting birthdays, death days, events in history and other ways to note high and low culture.

I note the anniversaries of film stars, architecture, visual arts, TV programmes and actors, times of revolution and wars, great events in abolitionist history, pop and classical music and so much more.

I enjoy having a magpie attitude to culture, to history, to social events. I hate for my taste to be too predictable.

Anniversaries should fun trivial.

But this year, is an anniversary I cannot be light-heartened about, I cannot celebrate – just wait till the noise dies down.

This year it is 25 since the film of “Pretty Woman” was made.

I enjoy Cinderella, I am a sucker for a fairy tale.

I am not that keen on rom-coms, unless they mainly comedies, especially the older films with their fast-talking banter.

I see as film-buff that “Pretty Woman” is attempting to be a rom-com Cinderella story, that it is pure fantasy.

But as an exited woman, who did mostly escorting and girlfriend experience – I hate the film, and cannot forgive those who made.

The fantasy of “Pretty Woman” is on too many lies and stereotypes about the world of indoors prostitution.

Too many lies and stereotypes who the punters really are.

Punters are not Richard Gere. Escorts are not Julia Roberts.

This should not need to be said, if the film was just escapism fantasy – there would be no need to say.

But too many promoters of the sex trade want the Richard Gere punter to be the norm – at least when speaking or writing in the public arena.

The promoters of the sex trade used the image of the Julia Roberts escort to recruit – as in they have the image of whore-goddess, the image of the courtesan, the image of the high-class hooker to pull the vulnerable in.

These promoters know it all a lie, know it just used to hide the violence and degradation.

The sex trade love “Pretty Woman”, and have used it place prostitution in the centre of pop culture, and even getting acclaimed as art.

But to watch “Pretty Woman”, is to be place back into a world of pain, a world without hope – a world that planted complex trauma into me.

“Pretty Woman” has the evil lie, the lie that destroys the prostituted everyday – the lie that there is such a thing as a punter who will rescue the prostituted.

First, there is no such thing as a nice punter.

I do not care if he does choose not to rape.

I do not care if he does not beat up the prostitute.

I do not care if is just a talker.

I do not care if he has respect.

No man has the right to buy another human for his sexual greed and entitlement.

So it is impossible for a punter to rescue the prostituted, with the punter still having control and power over the prostituted.

The nice punter is just bullshit.

But the message of “Pretty Woman” plants poison into many who are embedded inside the sex trade.

It gives hope that a punter will somehow get a conscious, and see that his prostitute is a full human being – then he will become the white knight.

This never happens – but many of the prostituted cling hold to the illusion.

It is part of the trap keeping the prostituted unable to exit, unable to reach for real help, and unable to know their own inner strength.

It allows the ordinary male violence that is prostitution to continue, as the prostitute hopes beyond hope that the next punter is Richard Gere.

It allows the sex trade profiteers to say that indoors prostitution is safe – for after punters who consume escorts or girlfriend are gentlemen like Richard Gere.

This lie is driving the prostituted to suicide, this lie is allowing punters to be sadists, this lie is hiding the murders that is common in indoors prostitution, this lie is allowing the sex trade to become normal.

It is a giant lie that carries the screams, the blood, the bones and the tears of all the prostituted who thought that a punter could be made to give a damn about their welfare.



Do Not Go Quiet

The sex trade lobby is constantly inventing to new words to silence exited women (and some exited men).

The latest one is SWERF – which something like sex workers excluded by radical feminists – or such-like nonsense.

This made-up word is used to stop all discussion, all interchange of ideas or attempts to forge bridges.

This made-up is used word is used to stop any mention of the Nordic Approach, to say abolitionists all know nothing about being prostituted and just are in ivory towers.

And this made-up word is liberally used to shut down and shut up all exited women who speak to human rights, who speak for abolition, and speak to and with awareness that all the prostituted are interconnected.

We are called haters of the prostituted, we are told we are responsible for the violence done to the prostituted by just wanting human rights.

We are told, usually outside the public gaze, that we are traitors, that we have become murderers of the prostituted.

We are SWERFs, so must be silenced.

For it made clear, our words are meaningless, for it said we speak of a place of self-hate, a place of fragmented memory, a place where the sex trade demands facts ignoring our trauma.

Facts become a huge silencing weapon.

For to be part of the sex trade lobby, you must decide there can be no trauma after exiting the sex trade.

This is partly because to back the sex trade, you must think exiting is no big deal, especially as most of the prostituted choose to stay inside the industry.

Those who choose to exit must be to mentally weak to cope, so their word can be dismissed.

To prove their mental weakness – the sex trade lobby bombard the exited with endless questions on “facts”.

These so-called facts are never about the everyday violence of punters, or the structure of the sex trade that makes all the prostituted sub-human.

Facts to the sex trade lobby are just another to trip up the exited, and to make look like liars or too ill to remember/know their reality.

“Where actually did the so-called violence happened?

How old were you?

Was it in a legal establishment?

If it was so bad, how come you stayed/are still alive?

Why did you not buy your way out?

Where is the injuries, there no outward signs you were hurt.

You should have done self-defence.

Why did you not report it/tell someone?

Why did you take the money?

Aren’t you pass that now?”

The sex trade lobby has no interest in answers or debate – just to grind the exited until they become sub-human again.

For we are considered to be the property of the sex trade, and we have broken out. We must be broken down so we can be their property again.

It is that evil, that cruel – it is no simple name-calling or game-playing. It is part of the  genocide of the prostituted.

For genocide is fueled by the silencing of the oppressed, making their truths only be spoken or written down by their oppressors.

The prostituted have never had an authentic voice – slowly at the end of the twentieth century to now, there is a growth in exited prostituted women and a few men reaching out to discover their authentic voices.

We cannot have the history of the prostituted class written and spoken only by the sex trade lobby.

That is never the multiple voices of the prostituted, it is always the voices of the static quo, the voices of profiteers and punters.

To be called SWERF by the sex trade lobby is a back-handed compliment – for that ridiculous word shows a fear of the power of the exited to speak truth to power, and to force real revolution and gain full human rights for all the prostituted.


Back Now

I want to thank each and everyone who has made donations to my blog, it is vital for I cannot write without stability.

I cannot write to the heart of why I am abolitionist when I am too triggered or hungry.

Now, with your support, I can see into the future and have the strength to know how my past is part of forming it.

So now, as I listen to special Spotify mixture of jazz, blues, Cajun, oldies soul, Blondie, JJ Cale, Bluegrass and rock ‘n’ roll – I will try to do my blog.

It is hard, for I feel like I have been detached when I was worried about my money situation.

I was detached to force my mind not to think about prostitution – the so-called easy way to make money.

Money is like poison – but without money the will to live fades away.

That is the trap that many exited folks have to live with.

When I was prostituted, I hated money.

I would only spend it on trash food and drink – forgetting that money can be used for fun, for education, for climbing away from hell.

I would throw my “earnings” away on one-arm bandits, on drowning in alcohol, giving it away to people who were using me, throwing into the river.

The money of punters was acid – I had to get rid of it.

I became used to living with little money – but knowing men may buy me anything – as long as I could care if I was alive or dead.

It was a world where detachment was survival, where not thinking further than half an hour at the time was essential.

A world where forgetting was the only way to somehow place one foot in front of another.

The world of being prostituted has no good sides – only to survive almost all the prostituted will say or shout they are fine.

The noise of the prostituted saying that it must be empowering, that it was always their choice, that they know they can deal with the “rare” male violence is loud because that is what outsiders want to hear.

That noise is also loud because it shut out for the prostituted their own reality.

A reality where there is no place or type of prostitution that can be made safe or be empowering.

Not when the purpose of prostitution is to make each and every member of the prostituted class is sub-human disposable sexual goods.

Not when each and every punter has the entitlement to do as whatever he wants to the prostituted without interference, without any sanctions, and with the knowledge his mess will be clean up until it becomes invisible.

Not when each and every one of the prostituted know in their hearts, that torture, rape and murder is normal – so no wonder they proclaim they are fine, as their lives are slowly being made nothing.

The concept of the contented prostitute is the one that the mainstream desire.

If the prostitute is happy or at the least able to deal with the life – then we don’t have to worry that our male relations, our male work colleagues, our male partners are raping, torturing or killing the prostituted class.

If we just focus on the individual prostitute and her choices, her empowerment, her conditions – we are consciously ignoring the elephant in the room.

That the violence, the fear and dehumanising are all the foundations of all aspects of prostitution.

That it is male entitlement that forms the prostituted class.

That male entitlement will leave no place or aspect of prostitution safe or empowering to what they have invented as sexual goods.

There is nothing personal when punters are violent to the prostituted, it is just the normal exchange of goods.

So it normal for the prostituted to block out that reality – and speak the language of the sex trade that they are doing well.

I am drained now.