Choices, Choices

Written in memory of Denise Marshall, RIP.

A slogan of the pro-sex trade lobby is that – prostitution can be chosen freely.

That is a lie – and could only be said by those who gain from the status quo of prostitution.

All choices made by the prostituted are the trapped bird who if made free faces an electric fence.

All choices made during being prostituted are made with punters, sex trade profiteers and their allies pulling their strings.

The concept of having full chosen for the prostituted is a dream trodden into mud.

Every time, I heard or read of the so-called contented and empowered prostitute, I want to dig deeper.

Like, the original Happy Hooker who as a child was in a concentration camp, and witnessed the horrors including women force into prostitution in the false hope of survival.

Or the romantic view of temple whore – which ignore that they were slaves, or taken during wars. Ignoring that thousands of men consumed those temple whores, made them nothing more than sexual goods.

This turns to the fantasy of the empowered courtesan. Refusing to see it was always men with the power to make the courtesan rise from poverty and the crime of being born a woman – refusing to see men only allow the image of the empowered courtesan if she was fuckable. Once her fuckability is gone or the men have a new sex toy, the courtesan is tossed backed in poverty, often ill, and back to nothing.

I see the prostituted who shout how they choose their lifestyle, and I want to cry.

I know too many so-called empowered prostituted women are not the prostituted – no, they are women who profiteer or gain from the status quo of prostitution.

They could women profiteering from escorting, women who own or profiteer from brothels.

They may be academics who earn more or get more status from saying how wonderful prostitution can and should be.

They may be politicians and their advisers who want to keep the violence and hate of prostitution hidden, so they can deal with more important issues that gain votes. After all, most of the prostituted will not vote.

They may be liberal feminists who play with idea of prostitution – imaging what fun to have sex and get paid for, imaging playing the whore with friends never allowing strange men into their bodies.

Those are some of the women who promote and scream about how prostitution is a chosen lifestyle.

These are the women who refuse to see the prostituted – only see the prostituted through the eyes of a jailer, through the pages of a book.

No, when I cry, I am not crying for those women.

I am crying for the prostituted who speak the language of their oppressor as the rope is tightening round their neck.

I cry as I hear or see women inside prostitution speaking of empowerment and having full choices – as all I see and hear is the puppeteer controlling how the prostituted speaks.

I see the dead eyes as the prostituted speaks to her happiness.

I hear the dead tone in her voice as she describes all the ways she is in control, how she chooses what happens to her, how she can leave at any time but why would she.

All the I hear the words of those who profiteer from keeping the prostituted trapped.

All the time, I see that the prostituted will be raped, will be beaten up and learn not to speak to that. Speak only the words that say any violence was just a risk of their chosen job.

All I see is the hidden punter who has the real choices.

I see the punter making a conscious choice to buy another human for his sexual wants.

I see the punter knowing he can choose to make another human into his porn-toy. That is, he can make the conscious choice to torture, rape and even kill the prostituted without any serious consequences.

I hear the punter making the choice to say the prostituted have the control, and he has no free will when his penis demands sex.

I am sickened by the twisted logic of the punter – for that logic is controlling how we speak to prostitution in the public arena.

The language of debate around prostitution is always making the punter and his choices invisible.

We cannot stop the violence done to all the prostituted until we see and hear how the punter has full control over their life and death.

We must stop blaming the prostituted for the violence that punters make the choice to do to them.

That violence does not occur coz the prostituted do read the body language of the punter clearly, it does not occur coz the prostituted are not skill at their job.

No all violence done by the punters is fully chosen, often pre-planned – and it is easy if we build a society that refuses to see that male violence.

Until we firmly place that male demand as the centre of what is wrong with prostitution – there can never be a safe place to be prostituted.

We must close down that demand – and by doing we begin the road to freedom, empowerment and access to choice for the prostituted.

We begin to build a reality where we see and deeply believe that the sex trade can and will be abolished.

A world where no human is made into sexual goods, where no-one is brought and sold for the male orgasm.

A world where women can fight poverty by having access to jobs where they have safety and respect – and equal pay and access to promotion.

A world where the context of buying and selling of humans as sexual goods, is just in history books as yet another terrible idea that man invented.

That is my dream – help make it true, by saying loud and clear –

The only real choices in prostitution are those of the male punters, those of the sex trade profiteers – never of those who are embedded inside prostitution.

Shout that out – drown out the voices of the sex trade lobby.

Staying Alive

OK I am listening to Spotify, and Staying Alive came on, and the block in my brain slowly shook awake.

I am alive – do not know why or even how.

And now after many lifetimes of wanting to die – I am want to stay alive.

I am useless at taking care of myself, but the more I understand I want to stay alive, the more I find I can live inside my own body.

But if you want to speak to the harms of prostitution, then see how many exited women cannot live within their own skins.

Think of the realities that my body – just an example of too many prostituted women – went through, and tell me you would be detached and/or hate that body.

I hear the shock and tears for women raped once.

Rape is seen as a form of torture, as the worse thing a woman can go through.

But this appears to be true only if the woman is raped rarely, or has nothing to do with the sex trade.

Prostituted women who are raped by hundreds and thousands of men – are ignored, pushed away and made invisible.

Our rapes become the hazard of our job, a fault in our lifestyle, or just because we did not negotiate with the punter what we would accept.

We are raped till our bodies have no space left that could be private, we are raped into a state of blankness.

Imagine what it to be raped by so many punters that you cannot know how, so many that their faces all become one.

Imagine what you would feel about your body then?

It is common after just one rape, to not want sex, to blame your body for orgasms that may have occurred, to grieve how your body has been changed.

This is in all prostituted women after rape – but they have no time or space to feel, no support to speak to that feeling.

No, most prostituted women are just place into rape after rape after rape – until she cannot have any feelings left.

Then the rapes of the prostituted are made unimportant – for the prostituted woman is cold, detached, acting hard and appears to happy or not to care.

To the outside, she has become the Happy Hooker or the sex worker and no real harm has been done.

But all the rapes are stored in the bodies of the prostituted.

If the prostituted woman is lucky enough to escape, to live, to keep her sanity – then it will become extreme long-term trauma.

This trauma is made invisible or dismissed, but the multiple voices of exited women are fighting to show their trauma and say –

Here’s the harm – our bodies are the witnesses and evidence of that harm, our bodies contain truths that will destroy the sex trade if you truly listened.

We know that the harms of prostitution are not from stigma, not from the place it is happening in – we know that the source of all the harms done to prostituted is the male entitlement to buy and sell the prostituted.

It is with this entitlement that punters make the wrong choice to make it OK to buy another human for his sexual wants.

There is no human right to buy another human for male orgasms, no human right to invent a whole class of mainly females to made into sub-human sexual goods.

But punters believe it is their right.

It is with this entitlement that a punter makes a conscious and pre-planned choice to use violence on the prostitute. In doing this, he proclaiming that the prostitute is no longer to be considered as human, but consumable goods.

The framing of the prostituted as sub-human goods is how sex trade profiteers want it – how it becomes that the prostituted do not get raped, for they have no access to human pain, human fear or human grief.

To make the prostituted sub-human, it an effective way to deny all the prostituted access to human rights.

They cannot have the right to be free from torture – for torture only happening to full humans.

They cannot have access to freedom of expression – for to survive prostitution it becomes vital to be silent or speak the language of your oppressor.

They cannot have the right to freedom of movement – for the sex trade profiteers can and will move the prostituted to other aspects of the sex trade, move them from country to country, from street to street. All done to punish, disorient and fully control the prostituted.

They do not have the right to a family – the sex trade needs the prostituted to be isolated, the sex trade will deal with pregnancy on their own terms, and the sex trade makes human love hard to express.

And the prostituted do not have the right to life – the death rates for the prostituted is off the scale. Female prostitutes are thought to be killed at the minimum of 12 times more than women of similar age or background, though it more like about 20 times more likely.

Exited women know what it was to be sub-human – and now as they stay alive, they are fighting to make sure no human ever is treated that way ever again.

We fight for all the prostituted – for just one woman in a brothel is one too many, just one escort in fear of a punter is one too many, just one prostitute being exchanged from one aspect of the sex trade to another more violent aspect is one too many and so on.

One prostituted human in any country is one too many.

That is why we will never give up.

We stay alive to fight.

Facts and Statistics are Just Opinions

I am very tired, tired of demand that I prove that it was real that I was prostituted, tired of the sex trade lobby looking for ways to destroy my truths.

I am tired of the constant demands for facts that they can and will pull apart piece by piece until nothing is left.

I am tired for the constant anger at my lack of statistics – even though this is a huge red herring, as they sex trade know and don’t that must statistics are owned and controlled by those who profit from the institution of prostitution.

Let’s be clear and honest about the history of prostitution – it not the voices of the vast majority of the prostituted, it is the voices and opinions of sex trade profiteers, punters and their allies.

When you look at the remains of brothel frescoes in Pompeii – all you seeing is advertisement for the brothel owners, and a menu of sexual goods for the punters.

When you imagine a Golden Age of temple whores and whore goddesses, you are thinking as a consumer not as the consumed.

When you read Fanny Hill as a joyful romp – you see through the eyes of the punter.

When you imagine that courtesan had power and died old or rich – you are ignoring history, to form an image of the Happy Hooker.

If you think being a geisha is powerful or even some kind of feminist statement, you have been brainwashed.

If you knew the real Happy Hooker saw the horror of brothels inside concentration camps – would you give damn?

And to now.

If you open the doors on a brothel in a Western country, like New Zealand, where it is decrimalised – would you really look inside or only see what you want to see.

Would you care if the women are named as girls, treated as sub-human goods who are disposable?

Would you give a damn if saw and knew that the prostituted in those brothels are expected to work longer and longer hours, and still never will earn enough to live on?

Would even noticed the dead eyes of the prostituted, see bruises or cuts, or noticed the constant demand for more and more sadist sex?

Or would just see what you want to see.

Will you decide that those prostituted must be happy and empowered – because in the small moment you see them, they say they are?

As you hear do you ignore the manager standing behind them?

Do you ignore that most doors are closed on you, as you refuse to imagine the sex can be violent or not fully chosen by the prostituted.

How do live in such denial, as so many of the prostituted are dying, being tortured or having to block out their reality to survive.

Your facts and statistics will full up your state of denial, and you invent the myth that indoors prostitution is full of empowered and rich prostituted women if it becomes decriminalised.

Your myth excludes at the minimum 98% of prostituted.

You exclude all women who were externally trafficked into those brothels.

You exclude any concepts of internal trafficked.

You exclude any idea that many adult prostitutes started under-aged.

You exclude indigenous women who become prostituted.

You exclude any previous sexual/mental/physical abuse being connected to being prostituted.

You exclude peer pressure or the pressure of patriarchy making all vulnerable think they are just sex objects.

And you exclude how the sex trade will invent many markets and then find the vulnerable women to fill it.

You may allow that economic pressure may push women into prostitution – but then you pretend it only on their own terms.

How can you lie so much to yourself – and then have the cheek to demand facts and statistics.

But it not just inside brothels where the prostituted suffer when doing indoors prostitution.

No, escorting and girlfriend is highly dangerous, as is working inside saunas parlours.

You ignore why it is so dangerous, and start inventing false reasons.

You say it is stigma – ignoring that being alone with a punter/punters never knowing if he will choose to be violent or not is a high risk.

You say the real violence is not the punters or sex trade profiteers, but the police – knowing that is bullshit, as punters/profiteers rape, torture and murder with a free rein.

In the end most so-called facts and statistics from the sex trade lobby are cruel lies to keep the prostituted, exited women and abolitionists in a state of silence.

Well, I am glad to say this silencing is not working – instead you stir a hornet’s nest.

Your lies and half-truths have made exited women tear down the history of prostitution being always the sound of punters and sex trade profiteers – as they speak loud and clear about why prostitution is torture, is slavery, is full of racism, is women-hating, is about destroying demand for the beginning of full justice and dignity for all the prostituted.

Our varied voices tear down you cold and hateful facts and statistics.

We hold our truths in our bodies, not just in pieces of paper or books.

We know our truths as we hold the ghosts of our friends or known ones who could live as the sex trade destroyed their beautiful lives.

We understand the language of torture and genocide through the pain and deep grief that our bodies carry.

You may say that just our story, just our biased opinion – anything to say that we must be liars or deluded.

But our body memories paint a vivid truth speaking to torture, male entitlement, the disappearances of too many of the prostituted, and to being raped by so many punters our mind survived by losing count.

Those are our facts and statistics – and to not hear them, is to have no heart.

A Deep Betrayal

Last week, Amnesty International made the decision to back the decriminalisation of all aspects the sex trade.

This is about saying buying a human as sexual goods should become a human right.

That laws preventing profiteering/pimping should be taken down.

What it not about is the safety or mental welfare of the prostituted.

This is the biggest betrayal I have ever experience in my lifetime – and if it becomes normalised, it will lead to decades of the sexual slavery continuing without interference.

Last week, I was too heartbroken and full of trauma to write. Now I will to personal and political, why I and so exited women are so angry and deeply hurt.

I will look at some of Amnesty’s slogans and how they have chosen to ignore them.

END ALL TORTURE

This is the most sickening part of this new policy.

It would appear that the prostituted are not human enough to have the human right to have protection from torture.

We need to be clear that too of prostitution would named as torture if the same was done to political prisoners – especially if they were males.

Rapes over and over and over and over is torture.

Amnesty would call that torture if it non-prostituted women and girls in wars, or if it done to political prisoners.

Most punters used the bodies of the prostituted to replay porn they have seen or read.

The purpose of porn is degrade and hurt the woman – often in ways that cause severe injury or death.

That is torture – plain and simple.

But it seemed if you it “sex work”, pretend there is an equal business exchange, and imagine the prostitute has chosen the lifestyle – then it cannot be torture.

Bullshit.

Calling it “sex work” is just used to hide male violence, and that all prostitution is founded on not caring how the prostituted are treated as long as a profit can made.

I was tortured for many years, always in legal and mainstream aspects of indoors prostitution.

I was tortured by water with anal rape, I was tortured by gang-rapes one after the other, I was anally tortured, I was tortured by having penises/objects force down my throat or into my cunt, I was tortured by beating me unconscious – and so much more that my brain does not want to remember.

I am not unique or even rare. In many ways, I was better off than most prostituted women and girls.

I was born white and into the middle-class, so my tortures were nowhere near as what happens to prostituted women not from that background.

Black, Asian, indigenous and poor prostituted women and girls are viewed by the sex as disposable – and are usually placed with punters who are the most sadist.

Amnesty in Canada is fighting for justice the Million Women Missing, who are mainly indigenous women – but if some of those are found alive and in prostitution, would Amnesty turn it back on them.

PROTECT THE HUMAN

Oh Amnesty, let’s be honest – lets change that to PROTECT THE MAN, for you have thrown away all women by denying human rights to the prostituted.

This is so tragic, for you do fabulous work when you stick to individual political prisoners.

I know your letter-writing have given joy and hope to many political prisoners, even made the most horrific governments free them afraid of the bad publicity.

Why do you have to take the world over, when what you were doing was working?

You have no understanding or knowledge of what it is to be prostituted – especially the only information you have read is the propaganda, lies and spin of the sex trade lobby.

Amnesty, you claim to care about the most trodden on, but then you listen to sex trade profiteers and ignore exited women.

Do you have no shame?

The prostituted are not being protected – we are being thrown into the sea.

But Amnesty the hurt and betrayal is more than just your hypocrisy – the message you give out loud and clear is

The prostituted are not human, so why bother with human rights for them.

That is what exited women and abolitionists hear, and why there such fury and pain at your policy.

You may as be a sex trade profiteer or punter, for that is how you view the prostituted – as sub-human sexual goods, and you pour salt into our wound by naming it “sex work”.

If you think it just a job, then think of the conditions.

Is it normal at work to rape on an industrial scale? Is it normal at work to have to numb out pain from those countless rapes, and to learn to close your mind to that reality?

Is it normal at work for the manager to take a huge cut, or take fees as a punishment, or just not pay at all?

Is it normal at work for women and girls to just disappear on a regular basis?

Is it sex to place the prostitute in constant worry of whether she will live?

Is it normal when having sex to blocked it out with drugs/alcohol?

If you think any of that is ok, you should worry about yourself – but that is what prostitution is.

To say that hell is ok, is to say we really don’t give a shit about the welfare of the prostituted.

That is the bottom line, Amnesty with this terrible policy, you have shown your hand.

You really don’t give a shit about the basis human rights of the prostituted.

How Do You Look in the Mirror?

I have taken a break from writing and working, allowing myself time to relax and compute the many changes this blog has done to and for me.

That I may write about at a later point. I have come back to the sacred cow of leftist human rights – Amnesty International – throwing the prostituted class into the sea.

Personally, I would love all female members to boycott AI in solidarity with their prostituted sisters – but that is not going to happen.

But I will dream.

I would be a solid member of AI, if they had not allowed themselves to have their policy on prostitution written by pimps, and fully backed by the sex trade lobby.

Are the prostituted class not human enough to have access to full human rights?

Do the boners of punters mean more than the living conditions of the prostituted?

Is AI being paid by the sex trade lobby to spread lies and fear to silence abolitionists?

I, as an exited woman, look in despair and deep fury as the “human rights” of punters and sex trade profiteers are to be protected by AI – leaving the prostituted as sub-human sexual goods with no human rights.

I write this as a personal scream of despair, but also to speak to the many and highly predictable lies that the sex trade is telling AI and its members.

They will be obsessed with separating anything nasty from prostitution – i.e. child sexual exploitation, all forms of trafficking, sexual violence, and so-called underground prostitution.

They will make the false claim that prostitution is never connected to previous sexual abuse, mental health issues, STDs or other illnesses – if connected it just the bad choices of an individual prostituted woman/man.

The only negative push to prostitution is economics – often picking on a short-term current crisis – rather seeing prostitution is there in good or bad times.

There is no mention that other multiple reason push the prostituted into the sex trade – racism, natural disasters, wars, childhood abuse, peer pressure, sense of deep self-hate, lack of access to real love, wanting to rebel/fit in, so many pushes.

No mention that the sex trade invents these pushes, that it is no accident that it is the vulnerable of all classes, all races, and all cultures that are trapped in the sex trade.

No mention of the market that is the sex trade – a market that supplies all sexual porn dreams that punters want or are made to want.

No mention of the huge profits that decriminalisation will bring to the sex trade profiteers – or how that profit is mainly made by providing access to more sadist sexual practices.

No mention that to supply this expanding market, that internal and external will increase, that more extreme sadism will become the norm as it will the only to get enough money to live on.

No mention of the violence inside all forms of indoors prostitution – no, it will be left to the sex trade profiteers to deal with in-house, as they have for at least 3000 years.

So, no mention of the constant disappearances of the prostituted from brothels, escorting, girlfriend experiences, saunas and all other forms of indoors prostitution.

No mention of how the punters who choose indoors prostitution are paying for more time, more privacy to do whatever they porn-fueled heads can imagine.

So, no mention that many richer punters choose indoors prostitution to have the entitlement to fully own, control and throw away the prostituted.

It is normal in indoors prostitution for there to no protection, no interest in the sexual/mental/physical welfare of the prostituted.

It is a sick joke when the sex trade lobby – who work for the interests of punters and sex trade profiteers – feign concern for the welfare of the prostitution.

The sex trade lobby just lie.

Say it again, to make it clear.

The sex trade lobby just lie.

The sex trade lobby know and do not care, that punters choose indoors prostitution for the time and privacy to be as violent as they want – after the sex trade lobby is providing those sadist acts each and every day with getting their hands dirty.

The sex trade lobby know and do not care that women in indoors prostitution are made to disappearance – some to more dangerous or mentally disturbing aspects of the sex trade, some to illness or mental breakdown, some to suicide, and far too many are murdered.

These disappearances are made invisible in a highly conscious way by the institution of the sex trade – the prostituted are thrown away, as their lives were considered to be worthless.

Every time the sex trade lobby speaks of caring about the welfare of the prostituted, I am sick to the bottom of my stomach – and those bastards are writing the policy of AI now.

This post is a scream – I bloody dread the results tomorrow.

Judge Not, Less You Want to be Judged

I am finding writing very hard.

It is too full of pain, memories are too raw, fear is too close to the surface.

I am a writer, so I will write however hard – and however much my body resist it.

I write with a warrior-spirit, I write as a witness to all I wish I had no knowledge of.

To be a true is not to be in a place of comfort or ease – to write to the centre of human cruelty is to write as if you are stabbing yourself.

In this post, I will to write about judgement on the major and minor levels as it may affect me and other exited folks.

Judgement comes from all angles – all beliefs and the non-believing, from all classes, from all types of political thinking, from all cultures.

To judge the prostituted is acceptable by nearly all people, going back to a time before human could leave a written record.

The classic judgement come from deep ignorance and the desire to express that the prostituted are sub-human, but in a nice polite way.

This is the old classic myth that all the prostituted have a sub-human sex drive.

This handy myth leads to judgement that the prostituted are sex-crazed, are dragging good men down into sin, are stealing men from decent women.

It is a myth that I detest, and will spend the rest of my life fighting against.

The prostituted class have never had the freedom to own and to control their own sexuality, or even to have the right to say yes or no to certain sexual practices.

The prostituted class are always owned and controlled by the men that buy them, and the profiteers that sell them.

It is the punters and profiteers that create the demand for dangerous sexual practices – and it the prostituted who have their bodies and minds destroyed by that demand.

This sick myth is used to say the victim – that is the prostituted – must be to blame for “forcing” punters to do unspeakable sexual acts – for it is claimed that the prostituted are all insatiable.

On a lighter note, there are the constant minor judgments placed on many exited women, especially if we show any interest in feminism.

We are meant to be perfect feminists or we are not allowed to count.

I am judged for watching sports – a male leisure, where many of the participants or supporters may be punters.

I would say I know that many men who support/play football/rugby/cricket will consume prostitutes.

But then so do male politicians, male actors, male musicians, males in all types of businesses, male students, male religious leaders, male writers, males artists, male comedians, male farmers, and all males in all spheres.

If I was to live in a world not polluted by punters – I would never watch films/TV, never read any books mentioning men, never listen to music, never buy anything in case a punter was part of making or selling it.

I may have to kill myself, if I truly never want to do anything that is contaminated by punters and sex trade profiteers.

Also, this ignorant judgement tends to work on the assumption that exited women are too unintelligent to watch sports/films/read books/listen to music/consume TV, without knowing it should be taken on face-value.

Maybe we do these things as escapism – knowing our extreme trauma may fade, but it will not disappear.

Escapism is not about losing intelligent, it is about resting, about giving yourself back some joy and comfort, about regaining pleasures that may have been stolen from.

All that is vital for all exited prostituted folks – and if you dare to judge our freedom to escape, then spend five minutes inside our trauma and then tell where we are going wrong.

Back to more serious ways the prostituted are continually judged.

We are judged for our lack of emotions, for being cold, being too tough, judge as being cruel or hard-hearted.

In this judgement come the constant that any real harm can be done to the prostituted – after all we are not crying, we do not complain, we took the money/gifts so it must be ok.

Only think about the degree of mental/physical/sexual torturing that is the norm for all the prostituted.

It is normal for a prostituted woman who has been in the sex trade for round three years, to have torture everywhere and to have piece of her body that is not polluted.

This prostituted woman has been raped by hundreds if not thousands of punters.

This prostituted woman is likely to be more round many aspects of the sex trade, usually to more violence and control.

This prostituted woman will live the mental violence of knowing at any time and any place, she could be murdered and her death will made to be invisible.

This prostituted woman will live with physical violence as a norm.

This prostituted woman will have all forms of tortures put into her mind and body – and it just called men having fun.

This is the norm of all aspects of prostitution – no wonder that the prostituted are closed to emotions and the language of saying I hate this.

Torture will silence most humans, but it does not destroy our souls.

It is normal to adapt to long-term torture, by acting as if it is nothing.

Acting tough, never crying, saying you do not need help, being numbed to most of the physical pain, cutting off from knowing your past and not believing you can have a future – all these are normal reactions to long-term torturing.

So instead of judging the prostituted for appearing emotionless – why not celebrate their amazing survival skills and ability to keep part of their humanity safe.

I will end here – exhausted zzzzzzzz

Nightmare-Scape

I have come back from my birth-town, the town of years between 12-27.

A place that should belong to me, but is only a place full of ghosts and body memories.

I went as a changed woman, but only to be haunted over and over by sense of being drag back to my private hell.

I went back to Cambridge, and I spoke out.

Spoke out to a very close friend, spoke out to the buildings haunting me, spoke to the parks where I wanted death so, spoke out to a meeting.

My voice was cracking, my voice was waiting everything to go wrong.

But I spoke out about Cambridge in Cambridge.

And my prostituted soul felt a freedom it could not dare know existed.

When I arrived in Cambridge, I was mentally exhausted, but unable to rest without shaking or crying.

So, I went for a walk by myself. Thinking if I struck to the tourist parts of Cambridge, I would be fine.

I was wrong, coz there is no part of Cambridge that is not poisoned by my past.

My home-town is beautiful, is full of so many things I loved – but I knew its underbelly, and my trauma can never forget, only fight to make it smaller.

I was prostituted in a town that was in deep denial.

The image of Cambridge of beauty, intellect, and peace is kept, no nastiness is allowed to see, hear or talk about.

There could no prostitution in Cambridge – that belonged to real cities like London.

Only any man who wanted to buy sex in Cambridge had a variety of choices in just the small city centre.

Prostitution was hidden in plain sight – as the police ignored it, as the university ignored it, as the councilors ignore it, as Social Services ignores – all punters saw this availability.

This is what some would say is underground prostitution – only it is legal and vastly available.

This is the world I knew, the world that made my nightmares, made a life-time of body memories, made extreme trauma.

Hidden in plain view, I like far too many prostituted women and girls – was being mentally abused, tortured, put on the edge of death, rape beyond what the mind can handled.

This blood and sweat was pouring into the bricks of Cambridge, the silent screams of the prostituted were part of the haze round Cambridge.

Cambridge bears the hidden horrors of prostitution, and makes the terrible demand that it never to be spoken of or even acknowledged.

I was silent for many years, and it nearly killed me.

So, I am speaking out.

For Cambridge is typical of any tourist city that refuses to allow that it has a dark side.

I do not believe there is anything unique about my hell in Cambridge, and I break some of my silence to help other trapped in cities/towns/villages that refuse to believe that prostitution is part of them.

Living where the whole city deny your reality, that is a poison that can only lead to self-destruction.

I know this as I see the streets of Cambridge – see streets I lost any sense that I could be fully human.

It was on these streets I attempted suicide, these streets I got so drunk I thought I would forget.

It was on these streets, I was raped so often I could allow myself to care.

It was on these streets, I walked and walked and walked – hoping that walking would turn into a robot.

In my walk last week, I walked past many places and buildings that made me sick.

I had to walked through the subway where I was raped, to get back to my hotel.

I walked through town, past streets where I pushed friends to their limit.

Past that college where I was brought, and used like a rag-doll, as I to focus on the beauty of the architecture.

Into the market, where I hung out refusing to feel or know I was still alive. Hanging like a normal teenager, but knowing too much and having too many reasons to want to die.

Onto King’s College, where my mind was too dark to know the beauty.

Into more colleges where I was brought, and thrown away.

Down past a pub where in the back-room, old men brought young prostituted girls to have a torture-toy.

Into the parks, where I walked and walked and walked till I could switch some of my mind.

That is my Cambridge, I am so angry and saddened by that.