Listening to Stax Records

I listen to Stax when things are crashing in on me. When life seems pointless, the Memphis soul reaches my heart.

I am crashing bad.

My mind, my essence and my body is in pain and is lost.

Several weeks ago, my brother-in-law committed suicide, leaving my sister and his teenaged daughters.

This is ghastly and very sad, for it was severe mental health issues that push him into suicide.

I have been triggered bad, and gone back to old habits of not taking care of myself or my home.

This weekend I cried properly for the first time, but now my grief just gets bigger and uncontrollable.

It is the triggering that scares me.

It is the exhaustion that wrecks me.

It the anger that confuses me.

It is the connection of my past to thoughts of suicide that saddened me.

I am reaching out, especially to my exited friends, for support, laughter, and love.

I am cannot fully understand trauma, but I can some brief words as a inadequate guide to how I map it.

Trauma is never simple, trauma is not short-term often it is life long.

I can only speak to trauma though my experiences and words from friends.

The important to know is that deep-seated complex trauma fragment the brain and memory.

I cannot remember decades of my life, and parts I may remember are not linear or able to placed into a solid place or time.

The brain remember enough to see and feel what is true.

Most of prostitution and child abuse is repeatative, so the brain holds enough to say this is real, this is an injustice, this should be grieved.

Think of a prisoner in a concentration camp – where every has no hope, every day death seemed inevitable, and every day is the same hellish routine.

Would your brain remember every moment, remember dates or days – or would it all mashed up into one memory with flashes of horror.

Trauma turns turns years of torture and having no hope into what seemed like a week or a day.

Linear time is destroyed.

Trauma makes sleep a mess. Sometimes not resting, sometimes oversleeping.

Sleep can be just nightmares and night terrors.

Trauma is a shadow both night and day.

Trauma is a sign of there being no justices.

Often trauma is deep inside peoples who are considered non-human.

Trauma is a race issue, trauma is carried by indigenous peoples, trauma is the legacy  of war, trauma is in the skins of all exploited by the sex trade.

To understand trauma, it is vital to listen to those that you choose to make sub-human – be that the Native American, the soldier, the battered woman, the exploited child or the whore.

Trauma grows by our silencing.

This is very brief post, more a reaching out.





Into a Void

I wish I could write to the silence and silencing of exited prostituted women, but words have little meaning for our pain and grief.

The silencing is everywhere, from all sectors of society – this silencing numbs exited women into silence.

This is not a silence of compliance – it is the stubborn silence of rebellion.

This is not the silence of the ignorance – it is the silence of knowing too much to find words.

This is is not the silence of agreement – it is the silence of buried fury at your refusal to hear.

I have been a speaker, I write thousands of words to build a route to real change – but most of the time, these these words fall into the well of silencing.

I refuse to fit the stereotype of the exited woman to be heard.

I will not stay struck in the victim role.

I do not speak a sob-story, so you can lessen our lives by placing it into an individual horror tale.

I will connect my abuse back to Roman times and forward till the dream of days where prostitution does not exist.

I will call out all forms of prostitution as torture and rape.

I do not separate out cse, trafficking, or so-called forced prostitution from “chosen” prostitution – it all the same to a punter, so what the point of pretending they are separate.

I do call out every man who make choice to be a punter as a violent criminal and woman-hater.

I will connect porn to prostitution – knowing in the sex trade, prostituted are forced into porn as cheap labour, knowing all punters are driven by porn dreams as they torture the prostituted.

I will never think there is one way to enter to the sex trade, that only certain women or girls can be prostituted. Instead, think to each and every stereotype you know that is your prostituted woman or girl – now, think the opposite, know both are true.

There is no type or one form of push that makes a prostitute – not whilst the sex trade feeds on cash, there will always a market for whatever porn demands that punters could want.

To become prostituted is easy – but to exit is almost made impossible.

These are a few reasons my voice is silenced, for it refuses to give easy answers or to remain a victim.

There are not easy answer for exited women, but that cannot be heard.

Too many Abolitionists and too many radical feminist think there can be easy answers, or a quick route out for exited women.

This is coz there a lack of listening with open minds and hearts.

Instead, exited women have our truths and lives explained to us, our words drowned out by your packaging of how prostitution should be seen.

In this package, our fury is dampened down, our grief is locked away, our many ways to connect are severed, our desire to live fully is made invisible.

We are made into performing monkies, yet again back to knowing we can never be truly human.

Please know part of our silence is a deep fury that our so-called allies cannot or will not allow us to be fully human.

You make us the Other, as the sex trade and punters did.

You do this through patronising, through only listening if it edges on voyeurism or some kind of horror story.

You do this by not paying us for our work, or using our words or work without permission or out of context.

You do this as you speak to our lives in statistics or academic/journalist works without consulting us.

You do this every you make endless stereotypical boxes of what it is to be prostituted, why some is good and some is bad ways to be prostituted.

You do this every time you separate a under-aged prostitute from an adult prostitute, every time you say forced or chosen prostitution.

You do this every time you say words to makes excuses for punters.

I could on an on and on, but fury wipes me out.

My silence is a weapon, not a message of agreement.

Stax, Motown and Blues Save Me

I am alive because of American music.

I am dressed in Stax Records, Chicago Blues, Cajun bands, jazz from New Orleans trad to be-bop, Motown classics, Phil Spector Wall of Sound, New York punk, surf sound, Bluegrass, raw country and music from every State from 1880’s to recent times.

American music save me from the reality of my past, give me some hope and peace in times of extreme trauma.

American is my healer, my party mate, my space to know grief, my mother and sister.

I can scream into Blondie and the Ramones.

I will cry to Aretha, Stevie Wonder and Otis Redding.

I allow joy in with Chuck Berry, the Beach Boys and Cole Porter.

I allow the blues guitar solos to stop me thinking and reach a place where logic is unimportant.

I dance to Chic, Little Richards and the Ronettes.

I listen to the protest songs of Stax and Atlantic Soul, and know the hard route to justice.

I map my survival and sanity out through listening to American music.

I am in the Blues, in those jazz dives, in the sweaty punk venues, in Memphis, in Americana.

To survive the hell that is prostitution, there must be some private passion, American music was mine.

To know me, is to to see that.

Hurt and Hurting

The harms of prostitution do not just fade away with time.

They do ease, they do calm down.

But with no real justice or expert therapy, the harms of prostitution are hidden in the  bodies and minds of those of us who have exited.

We paint on a survivor face, but our endless striving to find ease and peace is driving us forward.

Our trauma is over 3000 years old.

Our trauma knows every form of torture man can imagine.

Our trauma knows who and what it is to made a porn-doll.

Our trauma covers every country, all cultures and all times of history.

Our trauma is not an individual scream, but an ancient collective yell for justice, acknowledgement and desire to be considered fully human.

The further I get from my experiences in indoors prostitution, the clearer I see and feel this journey of trauma.

I speak of justice as a major factor of this struggle.

I believe that with no justice, there can no end to our extreme and deep-seated trauma.

Let me explain how justice may be for the prostituted class – this will my personal view, and may seen as the beginning not an ending.

Justice for the prostituted for the prostituted begins by know this is not a labour issue, but an extreme human rights crisis.

It not seen as a crisis, for it has been on-going for the vast majority of human history.

It has become so common, that it has become invisible.

In modern history, this invisibility is help by re-branding prostitution as sex work, and therefore it is chosen.

This is helped by saying so-called chosen prostituion is separate from the nasty forced prostitution or under-aged prostitution.

We, the exited, know this is a vicious lie.

We know less than 2% of the prostituted are in a a position of privilege where all their chooses are free.

I know of no exited woman who know of any prostitute who has that privilege.

The Happy Hooker and Entitled Escort is a dangerous myth, which every day is placing the prostituted in situation of torture or being murdered.

Justice would rid the world of the language of sex work.

To get the start tobuilding some route to justice for the prostituted, we must see what  punters are doing, and fully know who the punters are and have always been.

To see punters with a clear eye, is the only way to know why this is a human rights crisis.

Punters can be any man – from any class, from all types of human beliefs systems, from all countries.

Punters are everywhere – whilst being nowhere.

Punters are married, in good relationships, single.

Punters are students, professional men, unemployed, and in every job in every place.

Punters are of every generation, every culture, every educational level.

I could go on forever – for punters are just every man.

What shocks those of us who have exited prostitution – is how every society or culture makes the choice to paint punters as the Other and make them invisible.

Whenever we try to speak to the ordinary violence and hate from the punters – the conversation or debate is turned around to why and how the prostituted must to blame or choose the harms done to them.

Punters seemed to be just in the room or the street, when these harms are done to the prostituted – they are blameless or at worse having a brief mental breakdown.

Punters are viewed as victims not criminals.

It is a view that man are entitled to sex at any time and in any place – so must placed with a class of mainly women and girls to service their sexual greed however violent or full of hate.

That is the purpose of the prostituted class – that is why is vital that the prostituted are voiceless, are made sub-human and have no access to basic human rights.

Only then, can we make punters acceptable – and refuse to see that they are serial rapists, torturers and murderers.

I am great pain at the moment, so I will end here.

Please read and say your thoughts.

Sad Sad Sad

Yesterday, my brother-in-law committed suicide.

He had lived with mental health issues all his life.

I am very sad, coz he was a lovely man.

Excuses, Excuses

In this post, I will try and see punters with a clear eye.

I will use their constant whining and justifying to see who and what they are.

Most punters imagine they are sex gods.

Many imagine they are kind to the prostituted.

All know that, in reality, they view all the prostituted as sub-human sexual goods.

All know that owned the prostituted, and that in that ownership all the prostituted lose access to basic human rights.

Therefore there is no such person as a good or decent punter – all are paying to create sexual slavery.

But most punters find excuses for this behaviour, excuses that normalise their violence and hate.

A common excuse is that men cannot survive without unlimited access to sex.

It is as if his penis would go green and drop off, if he cannot get unlimited and easy access to the prostituted.

This myth is emboldened by the false reasoning that if punters are excluded from consuming the prostituted – then he will have to rape or sexually torture “real women”.

Remember that the prostituted are stripped of their humanity – so in the minds of punters, they are impossible to rape.

Money is consent to all punters – but more horrific, money is a shield to torture, to mental abuse, to murder and to creating a genocide of the prostituted.

Punters know they can do any form of mental/physical/sexual on the prostituted, and it will be made invisible.

The motto for punters is Nothing is Happening to Nothing.

Many punters will speak with anger and horror when “real women” are raped – as their pour porn-fuelled violence into the minds and bodies of the prostituted.

I have been with punters condemning child rape, as they are happy to torture sexually an underaged prostitute.

I know punters will gang-raped the prostituted as common practice, but curse gang-rapes when it not inside the sex trade.

Punters ease themselves with these contradictions, buoyed by the sex trade and its allies.

Many punters imagined that their sexual prowess is god-like, that all the prostituted are gagging for his visit.

These punters are often extremely violent, often want sexual acts that cause pain or ignore the prostitute as a full human.

These punters want to conquer, owned and often destroy the prostituted.

He becomes a Man by eliminating the prostitute as a human.

These punters enjoy the terror, the pain and the lack of hope that they place into the prostituted.

Many punters want to think they are the good guys, that they respect the prostituted.

This is bullshit.

No-one who buy another human for his sexual wants is a good man, or know what respect is.

To be a good man would start with never consuming any part of the sex trade, including porn, strip clubs, phone sex and especially all forms of prostitution.

To have respect for the prostituted could start with campaigning for abolition of the sex trade.

Respect is given by demanding full human rights for all the prostituted – that is the right to safety, the right to exit, the right to full humanity.

Respect is given by knowing the prostituted are highly unlikely to freedom to choose.

The prostituted cannot choose whether they will be raped, sexually tortured or murdered – that choice is always controlled by the conscious decision of the punter to be violent or not.

The prostituted does not choose the constant erosion of her humanity by the flow of punters stealing her right to safety and life.

I do not care if an individual punter justify his actions by imaging he must be decent and a gentleman.

Every punter is at any time capable of rape, torture and being a murderer.

Each punter is part of the slow gang-raping of the prostituted that erodes her soul and desire for hope.

I shall end by stating that all punters are the root of all the hate and violence that is the norm for the prostituted.

We must keep our focus on these men, for their demand and sexual greed is the reason the prostituted are scared to even imagined hope or freedom.





Tired of Being Tired

In this post, I wish to explain my blockage to writing.

I have put on rock and roll music, coz my mood needs bucking up. I feel sickened at my lack of campaigning, lack of writing and dead soul.

Recently, I have been disabled from Facebook, which has made disconnected from the joys of the net – that my hobbies of anything to do with 1870’s to 1940’s, plus my obsession with American music.

Also, Facebook give me a deep connection to some of my supporters and fellow Abolitionists.

I would love to get back onto Facebook, so if anyone knows how – it will not accept my email or phone number, and I want to keep them.

Well, bum poo piss to that – I must write to why I am finding campaigning and writing so damned difficult.

For a week now, I have getting rid of all pro-sex work lobby from my Twitter account.

Their lack of logic, their hate-speech, their attacks on exited folks and their personal attacks have made so tired.

I know that the sex work lobby will keep on attacking and spreading propaganda, but I choose to ignore their white noise.

I will try to get back on my campaigning bike, and the only good I see in the sex trade lobby, is that their nonsense makes me want to fight harder.

I am tired of their propaganda, I am tired of their blatant lies, I am tired of their attacking exited folks, I am tired of their worshipping of punters.

Christ, I am tired of their shite.

The sex trade lobby has its voice in all media, in most institutions with power – but it plays the victim.

What really maddened me and many other exited folks, is their claim to the voice of the prostituted – when they speak the language of sex trade profiteers, speak in the interests of punters, have no interest in sexual/physical/mental welfare of the prostituted, and give no routes to exiting.

The sex trade lobby spends the majority of its time and energy not in campaigning for the prostituted – but in attacking all who may be Abolitionists, attacking survivors of the sex trade who dare speak to the conditions of prostitution.

This is not for the prostituted – this is the language of making the prostituted into sub-human sexual goods to make profits. This is the language that justify punters destroying any human rights that the prostituted may have.

I am tired that their shite is believed.

So many who are claiming to be feminists, so many Leftists, so many who fight for human rights believe the propaganda of the sex trade lobby.

It becomes a Alice Through the Looking-Glass scenario – white is back, right is wrong and lies becomes the only truth.

Often those who believe in the nonsense that the sex work lobby spread, will be strong supporters anti-rape and anti-domestic violence, but then separate prostitution from all other forms of male violence to females.

Think on this carefully.

Do you think most battered women can be brainwashed to thinking their partner will stop if they just behave carefully.

Do you considered that rape is one of the worst crimes that exists.

Do you think being rape only once can be traumatic.

Do understand that it is highly common that battered find it almost impossible to leave.

Think – would you say similar for the prostituted women, or would makes different rules for them.

Would you say prostitution is freely chosen.

Would you say rape is impossible if money/goods is exchanged.

That it is not believable anyone be raped by thousands of punters and survived – so survivors of prostitution must be lying.

Would you say it is easy to leave prostitution.

Think and say any of that and you are making the prostituted not fully human.

This is sickening.

No wonder I am so exhausted.