Digging to Stay Alive

I am trying to dig deeper in this post.

Dig into my trauma, dig into grief, dig towards forgotten memory, dig round confusion.

I dig for a future, dig reaching for hope, dig because I choose to live.

For too much of my life, I only live in the moment waiting without emotion for death to catch up with me.

I could not allow pleasure in – I stopped listening to music, ignore films,run away from family who loved me.

I survived my years of prostitution by making my heart into ice.

I forgot how to laugh, I stopped dancing, I eat only to stay alive, I try to never to close my eyes.

To be prostituted, to be prostituted long-term,is to enter the world of the living dead.

All that is left of the personhood of the prostituted soul is a sex puppet for punters and sex trade to manipulate.

Look at any prostituted woman, girl or man – look with a heart into their eyes,and see their deadness.

See those dead eyes, see their detachment, see their lack of hope – and then speak the words of Labour, words of free choice, words of empowerment.

Speak those words without bile blocking your throat.

I want to go deeper into what prostitution does to the soul, I used my broken memories as an example of the common violence.

To understand what prostitution is, you must understand it is never personal, all violence done to the prostituted see no human only the role of the whore.

The violence done to the prostituted is always extreme, always done to destroy, always repeated by many men over and over and over.

The violence is as old as humans discovering rape, is changes with fashion but is always the same.

This violence is never personal, for if I had not been in the room at that particular time or place, the punter or sex trade profiteer would of replace me with another prostituted woman or girl.

The fundamental horror of being prostituted is having no personhood – every rape, every form of torture, even being murdered is interchangeable with all others in the prostituted class.

No punter or sex trade profiteers sees or want to know it is a human that they are destroying.

So sickness rises to the top, when all language round the realities of prostitution is framed in the language of work, language of empowerment, and call choice.

All choice is stolen in the moment the prostitute is brought or sold, all route to empowerment are closed as the exchange is made.

To understand the inside of prostitution, speak in the language of torture,speak to human rights, speak comparing to genocide.

See the scale of being raped by thousands of men, see the impact of every form of mental/physical/sexual torturing on your prostituted body and mind.

Know it is normal for a long-term prostituted woman to have enter when she was under-aged – many coming from previous mental/physical/sexual violence.

Know that many so-called free choice prostituted enter prostitution due to poverty, due to pressure from so-called lovers or family, or the lies and propaganda spread by the sex trade.

More important to truly understand prostitution, you must understand that no punter cares why the prostitute is there or her background.

The punter is paying to own a sex doll – which he can use till he tosses her away for more punters to consume.

In his mind there is no violence done for there is no human for such violence to be put in.

Prostitution is a crime where no human is involved.

I hope this is a start to digging deeper.

Please tell your views.




When Violence is Nothing

I have been angered and deeply hurt by the social media storm over Ched Evans and Trump.

I wish to state plainly, this is not because I don’t care about the injustices done to non-prostituted women and girls – it is coz there is many differences in how violence to the prostituted is perceived.

Without knowing those differences, without fully hearing the multiple voices of exited women – there will never be justice or human rights for the prostituted.

It is true that the threat of being treated or seen as a whore is used to keep all females in their place.

But being treated or viewed as a whore, is not the same as being prostituted.

It is a fact that the vast majority of rapes done to the non-prostituted go unpunished, but it still considered to be a crime.

The prostituted are considered to unrapable, for money or goods is consent. The prostituted are not raped, it’s their job.

The Ched Evans case has made that clear, that was a gang-rape so it is shocking.

But imagine that was a porn video or in a brothel, would be so shocked or even surprised.

I was gang-raped more times than my mind can take, between the ages of 14 to 17. It was my breaking into the “job” of being prostituted.

But my gang-rapes were made nothing for I was a prostitute, so I had no rights to call it rape, I could even name it as violence.

Instead it was my only purpose, it was call work and made into kinky sex.

Call prostitution work, say prostitution is kinky sex, imagine that all prostituted women and girls are sex goddesses – and you are making any and all violence done to the prostituted a non-event.

Much of the outrage about Trump and Ched Evans is their denial that women should consent to any sexual act.

Full consent is considered the way forward for non-prostituted women, whilst excluding prostituted women as an awkward problem.

It will not be said out loud, but there is reason for this.

It is decided that once money or goods are exchanged – that is consent.

It does not matter if the punter rapes, tortures, mentally abuses or even murdered the prostituted – it was done with consent.

So male violence to the prostituted is made invisible.

Do not say that all women know what it is to be prostituted, do not say you know what it is to be in the skin of the prostituted.

Have you been raped on such an industrial scale, that cannot know it is a crime, or even allow that you have a body that could be raped?

Have you been made into a porn-doll, used by punter after punter after punter after punter after punter?

Have been you been filmed as punters gang-rape or toture, and had that film spreading worldwide, so any man anywhere and anytime can wank to it?

Have you been tortured sexually, mentally and physially not for weeks or months, but for year after after year after year, not by one or a few men, but by so many punters they have no face or even remembered as individual men?

If so, then even you have have been prostituted or you have some inkling of what it is to be prostituted.

If we truly want to bring about abolition, we must see the scale of prostitution, and see  there are differences between attitudes to non-prostituted females and prostituted females.

To ignore or avoid this, is to play into the hands of the sex trade – and to allow the their evil propaganda that no real violence is done to the prostituted to continue.

Listen harder to what exited women are saying.



Red is the Colour of Death

Red is always associated with prostitution – but red is the colour of blood, red should be the colour of stop, red is colour when squeezing your closed in terror.

In the glamour view of the sex trade, red becomes a light showing men where they pay to rape, pay to torture.

Red light haunts my dreams, red light send pain of memory into all cells of my body.

I need red to be the colour of revolution, the colour of hope – the colour that put a stop sign to end the sex trade.

But in this present, and for the entire history of prostitution, red is the colour of death, hate and agony.

Red is the split blood as punters rape, hit, rip into the prostituted.

Red are the fresh bruises that all the prostituted carry, but ignore for hope is forgotten.

Red is the anger and hate that every punter brings with him as he buys the prostituted.

Red is self-harming done to forced back humanity, when being a sex doll is all that can be known.

Red is the colour of losing hope, drowning but never dying.

Red is the surroundings when all that is know is torture, rape and a longing for death.

Red is the colour of death.

Writing Please

I have been brain dead, so writing is slipping from me.

I will try to write, to speak to the unsayable, to know the forced silence.

Writing is not a joy, it is my work and a mission to me.

Writing is pain, writing is grief, writing is knowing what I rather was hidden.

To understand this writing is find a route into part of the heart of being prostituted.

I speak to a silence of centuries, a silence of the gagged and meant to be unrapeable.

I speak to the silence of the millions of dead who never know freedom, humanity or simple dignity.

The dead are inside every line of this blog, reminding me never to give up or give in to the many lies of the sex trade lobby.

The dead remind of my sheer luck to have reach the age of 15, the fortune I had a 21st birthday – and the dead stare in amazement that I am into my fifties.

To know the prostitution, is to understand that those of us who the luck to exit are in the minority.

The majority of the prostituted never reach their 27th birthday – and those who live have extreme complex trauma, often with injuries or illness as a result of being made into a living porn-doll.

As an exited woman, I write knowing there is no true freedom from prostitution.

Complex trauma shadowed my daily life, I still live with pain of a body holding too many rapes/tortures for the mind to know.

Being exited is powerful, for exited women live alongside deep trauma but still are the strongest and most determined Abolitionists I know of.

When we seek heroes, turn round and see the exited women standing next to you.

Our fight is your fight – but our fight can be separatist as well.

The fight of exited women cannot be manag or overtaken by supporters, however well meaning.

For centuries, the multiple voices of  have been silenced, controlled and translated by both allies and the sex trade promoters.

Now, those exited voices are determining to be heard.

Heard with no interpretations, heard without outside censorship, heard with both the mind and the gut.

Prostitution is a threat that silences every women – but not every woman can be in the skin of the prostituted.

Not every woman can know what is to be serially raped by multiple strange men.

Not every woman will be made into a porn-doll brought and sold in multiple locations.

Not every woman will survive by destroying all access to freedom, emotions, memory of an existence outside of being a rape toy.

Yes all women can know the taint of being called Whore, but not all women know the hell that is prostitution.

So listen and forefront the multiple of exited women if you truly want abolition of the sex trade.

We have wisdom to share, we just waiting for you to see our insight.


My Body is Departed

This post is about my detachment from my body, and also about how body memories burst down that detachment.

I am using my experiment not for pity – but as a tiny example of the trauma that exited women have everyday.

To survive prostitution, detachment from pain and emotions is vital – but when exited it can a block on rebuilding our lives.

It can make understanding friendship, how to be loved and love others almost impossible.

It can make understanding human interaction very hard to fathom.

Detachment is a slow killer.

Now I am swimming back to life.

As I struggle to map my way back to my true Self, I get horrific body pain replaying the pain my prostituted Self had to block out.

It makes my work very hard, so I have been forced to slow down for my mengal and physical welfare.

I hope this help my work go deeper and be seeing abolition/trauma from a individual angle.

Trauma is hell, trauma is relentless, trauma is very boring.

But trauma makes me see the past with a clear eye, see my prostituted Self with empathy and love.

In a strange way, trauma is a teacher and a gift.

I found trauma help me discover that I could have compassion, could hold in my heart the silenced and isolated exited women who reach out to me.

I found trauma allow me to feel my past without clashing back into drink, picking up violent men, refusing to sleep or cutting – but to feel that past with grief, anger and sympathy for my lost Self.

Trauma hurts every cell of my body – but the pain is worth it, when it is part of dragging me back to a life without rape, without torture and where fear of death is not my constant thought.

I hope many of you have no experience of severe complex trauma, I would not even wish on punters and sex trade profiteers.

But I know many of my readers know this hell.

Please know I hold you all deep in my heart, and truly believe you are some the strongest and most compassionate people I have had the honour to know.

Exited women are all true warriors.

They live with trauma following them everyday, but they are determined not just to go forward but to speak out and hold out for the human rights of all the prostituted still trapped inside the sex trade.

They are able to go forward holding a deep grief, not just for their individual experiences – but the grief of knowing the pain and confusion of the prostituted known and unknown, the prostituted and their pain from this moment to all the centuries men has made the choice to create a Prostituted Class in all continents.

This warrior spirit allows exited women to allow themselves to be vulnerable.

Being vulnerable is highly dangerous for the prostituted – this is a major factor to having to detach your body from your mind.

Being vulnerable is used to make profit for sex trade profiteers, being vulnerable is a turn-on to punters especially the sadist majority.

Vulnerability can and does kill the prostituted everyday.

So when exited can be safe enough to be vulnerable it is a wonderful route back into a full life.

Vulnerability is terrifying for exited women – for it will and can trigger us back into the space where we had no access to safety, no access to having a voice, where we were stripped of any humanity.

But to be vulnerable is be truly alive.

It is an inner strength of the true warrior.

I praise all exited women, including my Self.




Been on Hiatus,

I have been away, maybe coz of trauma, maybe coz of apathy, or maybe just because.

I will call it a well-earned vacation or hiatus.

Now I think I am back, changed but back.

I have learnt to have more balance in my life, and spend less mental energy thinking about abolition.

I was drowning in the endless trauma of this campaign, so spending more time with my leisure stuff.

But this blog will only be about abolition and the effects it has on my trauma.

Today I will about a few things that have bothering me during my vacation.

I am angered and not surprised by how male politics is throwing away the prostituted, with the media being their masculine lapdog.

This was shown by the Labour Party, Green Party and the Liberals – and by the reaction to the Keith Vaz affair.

As an abolitionist and exited woman, I have no-one to vote for who would solidly back the human rights of all the prostituted.

Instead, most of our representatives are either apathic or following the propaganda of the sex work lobby.

Yes, there are some brave individual MPs and Lords who are Abolitionists, but they are not backed by their leaders.

This mean real change is a constant battle, as the backbone of laws to grant human rights and full protection for all the prostituted is denied.

Without the backing of law, the sex trade can continue to destroy the mental, physical and sexual welfare of the prostituted with no serious interference.

MPs are content to keep the status quo – that is an environment that allows rape on demand, where all forms of torture are allowed and made invisible, where the majority of the prostituted live with death as their norm, or the lucky few that exit extreme trauma.

We have built a society where all crimes done by punters and sex trade profiteers are condoned mostly by pretending it not happening – or if seen not harming real females.

I cannot bear or hold without my heart breaking, this simple truth – we do see the many harms done to the prostituted, coz we refuse to know that the prostituted are human.

How else would the constant tortures, rapes, destruction of the humanity of the prostituted and murders been made so unimportant?

Why else would punters know they can pay to rape, pay to make the prostituted in sex toys to torture, pay to pour porn fantasy into a live woman without consequences?

What else allow the sex trade to market all vulnerable women as sexual goods – be the vulnerability from poverty, from previous sexual abuse, from fear of isolation, from racial stereotyping, from breaking down of her humanity?

We make the laws that say the prostituted are not human enough to deserve or need basic human rights to safety, their own freedom and dignity.

I live in a country that has made my existence as a prostituted woman invisible.

As a prostituted woman, my reality and the realities of all my prostituted sisters is non-existed for we are not considered to be full humans.

Until we have laws that place the punters and sex trade as serial criminals.

Until we have have laws that decriminalise all the prostituted and provide the holistic exiting programmes.

Until then the prostituted will are be sub-human.

This is unacceptable.