Listening to Soul

I am huge fan of classic soul, it has been the saviour of my life when all else seems pointless.

I am buried inside Motown, Stax, Philly Soul and Northern Soul – in a place where I can write to my lost years but hear hope and joy.

Most of this blog has been written with soul music being turn loud.

I cannot face my personal hell in silence, I need to be in the present when facing the past.

My past was unbearable, close to unspeakable – so inside music I write words that the sex trade and its allies thought would never been known.

Yes, the pen is mightier than sword – that is proven as every exited women writes her truths, write to the conditions of being prostituted, write to blow down the walls of the sex trade.

Our truths are the revolution, ours truths are what I understand hope to be, ours truths comes a place of deep silencing.

To speak out as an exited woman is to become a leader, is to lose fear of others and our environment.

We are speaking to bring down power, we are the witnesses who refuse to be dismissed.

Our truths shine a light on what it is to be prostituted.

My truths are that to be prostituted is be tortured – it is rape, but more than that, it is being battered, but it is more than than, it living with knowing you may die young, but it is more than that.

To be prostituted is to have no skin, to reject inner thoughts, to lose emotions.

To be prostituted, it is to be made into a robot.

A prostituted woman is allowed no memories, no friends, no link to her family, no place in society, no thought of a future.

A prostituted woman is made nothing – nothing but what punters force her to be, nothing but what can be sold for a profit.

That is why all violence done to the prostituted is made nothing.

Nothing is happening to nothing.

Our truths is buried memories of being someone.

Our memories is the silent screaming as we hate the male entitlement that made us into sex goods to buy and sell.

Our memories are the pain we carry in silence – pain as every piece of porn invented is force into our bodies and minds, pain as we should of died but some inner spirit keeps us alive.

Our memories is our silent grief – grief at those we lost, those who just disappear or we know died from lack of hope. Grief at lost years, grief at our los t sexuality, grief that we had ignored for so long.

And our memories is a silent fury – a fury that all women’s lives count expect the prostituted, a fury that all damage done to us is view as the risk of the job, a fury that we are not allowed to feel we were wronged.

This is hard to write, coz I am sick, so I end here.

But listen harder please.

Just Get Over It

Just get over it, is a refrain that all exited women know.

So think about that expression – who it is said to and why.

Would you say to a tortured political prisoner, would you say to soldier returning from wars?

No, but every day in every country it said to women and girls.

That is all women and girls, but my focus is targeted on exited prostituted women.

For numerous reason, we can’t just get over  – and if you had had six months of our lives, you may understand.

Get over it, is said by folk who claim endlessly that rape is the worse crime that is done to women. Said by those who see deaths of battered females outside the sex trade.

These same people refuse to see or know the lasting pain, grief and fear embedded in the bodies and minds of exited women.

Our rapes, our torturing and our deaths are made to no matter.

That we are allowed to fully exist is blown away in the wind.

See how there are no records of murders of the prostituted, see how we are framed as unrapeable, see behind the closed doors to the prostituted being made into living porn-dolls.

Think before you rape is the worse thing done to any woman, think if there may be a prostituted/exited woman listening.

What can she say then, without you switching off or turning it into a pity fest.

Can you really hear what it is to be rape so often that it become the norm?

Would you hear about how detachment, use of drugs/alcohol, acting hard, forcing all emotions out of your body is the normal way to deal with rapes with no end?

Do you really want to know that there no time for grief, anger, trauma or even sense of  self, when knowing there always another rapist/punter waiting his turn?

And can you hear that serial rapes is just the beginning of why we now have extreme complex trauma?

Do you want to know about the mental violence that imprisons the prostituted and exited women/girls?

The mental abuse that sex trade profiteers and their allies are experts at, the mental abuse that keeps reminding us we not allowed to be full human for our role is to sexual goods for punters to consume.

The mental abuse that said we can never truly leave the sex trade, it is branded on our body.

The mental abuse that states there no place for the prostituted outside the”family” of the sex trade, that we will always be rejected and deprised.

The mental abuse that attacks us as we strives to regain our lives and sanity.

This is the voices that say we are too damaged to fit into a world outside the sex trade.

Voices that question our sanity, that say we are liars, that speak loudly over and through us.

It is these voices that claim we hate other prostituted women – or in their language, sex worker.

We are called SWERFS, that is playing our self-hate and sense of despair that is inside our trauma.

And in their final hateful mental abuse, these people use the fact that most exited women have fragmented memories – see they don’t know facts, they must be lying or so mentally sick, there is no point in listening to exited women.

How should we just get over that mental violence?

My final point is we cannot get over how and why we were tortured till we became sub-human sex dolls for punters to pour all their porn hate into us.

Without justice and reparations that can never be got over.

I hear and see the echos of thousands of centuries of the prostituted being tortured and ignored.

We can never give them back their human rights to dignity, to safety, to hope, to a life worth more than just remembering to keep breathing.

But if we can make a future where no human anywhere is brought and sold for the “great” male orgasm, then maybe we are stepping on the road to justice and dignity for all the prostituted.

But for now, we need to see and know what torture means to the prostituted – and why it impossible to just get over it.

To be just raped is a relief to the prostituted, for most punters are not paying to do missionary sex.

Punters are paying to do whatever sadist porn-fuelled fantasy their money can buy.

They can do penis in the vagina sex with real women – prostituted women are there to fuck close to death, to humiliate, to degrade, to torture, to gang-rape, to film.

Every time a prostituted woman or girl is brought, she never know if she will be murder, torture, or just normal sex, or even if he just a talker.

She never is allowed safety, dignity or even the right to remember she is human.

Her role is to be his porn toy and then thrown away.

Bloody tell how you just get over that.

Go on, convince me, like you have convinced yourself.

 

 

 

 

 

 

My Work Deserve a Reward

I have done this blog with little or no reward.

I would love my regular readers to think carefully about making donations to my PayPal account.

If you are interested, especially if you can do this on a monthly basic, please get in touch and I can give my email which is must be kept private.

I am a writer as my unpaid job, from which I do many others tasks such as giving speeches, listening with other exited women, writing to spread out my work, reading and gathering both positive and negative articles about the prostituted, and the constant keeping on top of the hate and trolling of the sex work lobby.

All this is done through the shadow of trauma, and the constant fear of running out of food or not being able to pay bills.

I very proud of my work, but it is extremely hard – and deserve financial security.

Please think carefully about making regular donations.

Lack of Thought on Exiting

I am totally behind the Nordic Approach to dismantling the sex trade, but it is a three-pronged approach which most governments think is just about two of those prongs.

Governments are comfortable with the law enforcement aspects of the Nordic Approach, especially if the fines can be unofficial taxes.

The criminalising of punters and sex trade profiteers is made into laws – though the arrests and punishments are still uncommon.

Even the relatively small fines are rarely fully carried out.

I do not understand why the fine is not a flat 10% of the punter’s earnings.

I do not understand why persistent punters, punters who make the choice to do sadist acts to the prostituted, punters who ignore under-aged or trafficked prostituted folks are not imprisoned.

I do not understand the mostly pathetic prison sentences for all sex trade profiteers as their is just blood money.

But at least with the Nordic Approach we are stating that it is a criminal act to buy and sell the prostituted.

That is a start – the start of the beginning not an end.

The Nordic Approach has laid a line in the sand – saying that the prostituted must be decriminalised and treated as the oppressed who have brainwash and forced into the sex trade.

This alongside re-education to show how and why the prostituted have limited or no access to consent and full choices.

To decriminalise the prostitution is a wonderful start, but this is where the third prong to the Nordic Approach is vital, and is mostly missing.

This is the long-term providing of specialist and holistic exiting programmes for any prostituted person.

This is not fully carried in any country, for governments don’t mind getting fines, but spending money even when it is clear in the long term it will save more than is spent.

Governments will spend on weapons to murder the innocent, will spend on nuclear weapons which may never be used, spend on ways on ripping off the poor to make the rich richer – but on the prostituted, now that is a waste of the taxpayer’s money.

What is needed amongst access to jobs, safe housing, access to education, full childcare for all exited prostituted folks – is a serious specialist counselling that is available long-term.

We leave prostitution with extreme complex trauma, and we deserved to have counselling that is not generalised but where the counsellors are trained into what it is to be prostituted, and how that makes trauma became embedded in us.

Maybe the training can learn from experts in counselling torture survivors, or counselling survivors of wars or other ways into complex trauma.

I want to have this counselling reading and listening to the ways that exited prostituted folks have found some language to paint images for outsiders into the sex trade.

I am sick of so many exited folks having ignorance when they try to access counselling, or doing so much education of their counsellor that in many the roles are reversed.

No wonder that so many of us rely on other exited folks for our healing and spaces for our anger and grief – for in counselling it all just surface and never into the depths of what made our trauma.

This is not good enough – we cannot do this alone without specialist support.

Without a serious help with this trauma, how exited folks ever be truly free from the hate and violence that being prostituted put into us.

We deserve this at the minimum.

Riding a Wild Horse

How do I describe trauma from the inside.

How do I stare that darkness, how do untangle the confusion, how do I speak to the unspeakable.

All I know to do is write to spaces between fragmented memory and sense of deep loss with injustice.

I will write to the silence of trauma, into the screaming of the endless torturing of the prostituted.

I will write from the beating of my heart, from ice-cold emotions of the tortured, from a place where my writing is bloodstained.

I will write as a witness, as speaker of truths that so many want never seen or heard.

I write for I cannot save or end the pain and injustice for my prostituted self, but I can give some language to record her truths.

So I turn on Spotify with special selection of blues, soul and rock ‘n’ roll and I will write to those spaces that punters, sex trade lobby and profiteers want never to be known.

I will speak direct with poetry to my trauma and what and who formed it.

Trauma is a slow killer, but at the same it drives creation and desire to live long and hard enough to have its realities seen and known.

Trauma is confusing, but it always has reason to exist.

Trauma is invisible pain leading to real physical pain whilst always just being a distant memory of how that pain was placed there.

To live inside extreme complex trauma is always have a rope round your neck preventing access to complete freedom, but as a wild horse never giving up the fight to be rid of that rope.

Tthat is the tip of the ice-berg want it is to exit prostitution and to be living inside trauma.

There is no thing as harm-free ways to be prostituted.

The vast majority of the prostituted enter the sex trade from a place of deep vulnerability, or a place where they can manipulated into prostituted.

There is little or no evidence of free choice to enter and do prostitution long-term.

I was upper middle-class, white and from a background of deep privilege, only I was easy prey for the sex trade.

I was made numb by previous sexual and mental abuse.

I thought  I was nothing but sex goods as porn and abuse was my reality.

I thought pain was love, and sadist sex was all I made for.

To enter prostitution was inevitable, trauma comes from seeing and knowing that truth in every cell of my body.

Trauma is knowing and feeling who and what punters are and will always be.

It seeing their cold eyes, as the knowledge that no punter will allow any prostitution the right and dignity to be fully human.

It is his choice and entitlement that create the prostituted as sexual living porn goods to consume and throw away.

All punters hate the prostituted, al punters know it is violence, all punters don’t see the prostitute as a human.

So it is the norm to rape, torture and murder as a punter.

All long-term prostituted women are a living map of that male hate, entitlement and violence – I am just a tiny example.

I could on and on about what was done to me – but more important are the silences and agony of how violence was so common it all became one huge nightmare.

I was raped so often it almost became nothing.

Rape as rape, that is penis in vagina was of no importance, coz mostly it was a relief or distraction from the rest that porn teaches punters to do.

I was tortured not raped.

I was in constant fear of being killed by “accident”or murdered.

The sexual violence placed inside my body was meant to so horrific I could never find words to fit it.

That is why I am a writer – to discover those words.

Nothing can be allowed unspeakable – we must never give our oppressors that much power.

I use poetical prose to break that forced silence.

 

This is dedicated to all exited friends.

 

How Long Do We Have To Wait

Today is again IWD, and again my prostituted Sisters are remaining in Hell.

It is the Hell of so many rapes that all emotions, all sense of having a skin or cells is gone.

It is the Hell of exiting but living in such complex and embedded trauma going to the deadness of being sexual goods seems inviting.

It is the Hell of knowing any violence done to your mind and body is made invisible, as punters lead everyday lives with no punishment or even a small piece of shame.

But it is meant to a celebration of being women and girls.

I refuse to celebrate or even give my energy to IWD when I feel, know and see my prostituted Sisters are abandoned.

This is a genocide, this is a massive human rights issue that is being ignored or made small enough to say it is nothinI cannot help my bitter tears and angry frustration that yet again my prostituted Sisters are left to drown as we celebrate womanhood.

We are made into the Other, the non-woman, the goods that are made fuckable but given no humanity.

We are excluded from the strike that is IWD as the sex trade is open as usual to rapes, to battering, to torture, to mental violence and to murder.

Our human rights cannot exist or be fought in a world that has made us sexual goods.

IWD does stop the endless billions of dollars, pounds or Euros flowing from our exploitation to sex trade profiteers.

IWD is full of rapes, gang-rapes, filmed rapes, child rapes of the prostituted in every continent.

There is not a moment on this day that a prostituted woman or girl is not raped.

And I am meant to celebrating womanhood with that knowledge eating my brain out.

IWD is ridden with mental, physical and sexual torturing of the prostituted women and girls.

There no part of the prostituted body that has a safe place, pain and degradation is her constant shadow.

How can I celebrate IWD when my prostituted body carries the grief, the terror and the remembrance of torture being the norm.

I celebrate into deep sickness, for where can that lack of justice or dignity go.

I say damned IWD if my prostituted Sisters are left to drown inside a genocide.

Look Back in Anger

The sex work lobby wants exited women to disappear into silence.

We will not, we will be loud, we will speak truth to power, we will not rest as we see the daily genocide of the prostituted.

Exited women are not meant to be here.

We are meant to be dead – or too damaged to speak out.

No-one is allowed to a witness to the conditions of prostitution.

That is the reality of how the sex trade has always worked, it destroyed all our humanity and power to express our truths.

But we are alive, we have keep our sanity, we are growing in our truth-speaking.

We know our past are the presents of far too many prostituted women and girls.

And we are angry.

We see and know the rooms, the streets, the brothels, the hotels, the flats, the cars, and endless sites that are prostituted Sisters are being destroyed in.

And we are angry.

We heard the endless whining excuses that punters makes for choosing to be sadists.

And we are angry.

We are surrounded by a society and culture that would rather hear the lies of punters and sex trade profiteers, than the simple truths of exited women.

And we are angry.

We are saddened as the language is change so much that all male violence to prostituted is made invisible.

As trafficking becomes so rare maybe it is not real.

As all internal trafficking vanishes into another space of child exploitation – leaving the prostituted abandoned.

As prostitution is rebranded as sex work, where rape, battery and murder becomes just the risk of the job.

As sex trade profiteers become businessmen, as punters become clients.

And we are angry.

As a wall of silence is created when even a mention of the conditions for the prostituted.

Whilst endless discussions of the “suffering” of punters is allowed.

As any harm done to prostituted is made to vanish as it framed as weakness of her character – never the fault of punters or the institution of the sex trade.

And we are angry.

Our fury is gaining ground – and now we are slowly chipping away at the structures of hate, violence and brainwashing that is the foundations of the sex trade.

We can and will knock the walls of Jericho.

For years, for the centuries, the rebellion of prostitution have been like water on granite – change and human rights slowly gain, only it seems nothing has change.

We must remember our past to understand our present, and build a better future.

The prostituted have always been silenced, for most of the history the prostituted had no voice, no access to record their truths without male translation.

No voice does not mean that the prostituted were contented, or there was ever an Golden Age for the prostituted.

Silence is not consent.

Silence is not acceptance.

Silence is having access to language stolen from an oppressed group.

In that silence, the prostituted class always found small spaces to rebel or to attempt to speak their truths.

This may of been stealing from the men that rape and torture them.

This may be writing diaries or memoirs naming the men that consume her.

This may be only having relationships with women or living alone.

This may by becoming a courtesan, and hoping to cling hold of some power and education.

But all rebellion of the prostitution was under the control and will of punters and sex trade profiteers.

All rebellion could be destroyed by male violence

All rebellious words could be censored or re-written to suit the interests of the sex trade.

To understand the past of the prostituted, we must learn to read between the line, listen for the small noises of their voices.

I know to have a future we must learn from our past.

History is never dead when there is no justice or freedom for the prostituted.