Exit to What

Dedicated to Jennifer Kempton, and all other exited folks who left us too early.

 

I am writing this in a shock, deep grief and complex trauma.

Last week, I heard about the terrible early death of Jennifer Kempton, who as an exited woman founded Survivor’s Ink.

She was a great warrior, who give back dignity and hope to so many exited folks.

I hardly knew except through the network of exited women and their allies, but her death has pull out all my buried grief.

I want to write to one of the most important reason so many exited folks die young or before they can reach a place of peace.

This is the almost total lack of proper exiting programmes anywhere.

When the prostituted exit for the most part, they are left to fend for themselves.

They may receive coffee and condoms.

If very lucky they may get short-term generalised counselling, may get help with re-housing or finding a job.

But it is usual that any decent help is formed and provided by mainly exited women who have no proper funds and do their work whilst living with extreme trauma.

Even in countries with the Nordic Model, there are no real long-term specialist exiting programmes for the prostituted.

This is killing us everyday – we may commit suicide, we can be murdered by pimps and their followers, may die from lack of knowing how to fend for ourselves.

Our deaths is a constant reminder to all who say they back the Nordic Model to do much much more.

I cannot live with the constant grief of the prostituted who manage to exit being abandoned.

When we exit prostitution, that is just beginning of a long struggle back to personhood, back to dignity, back to self-respect and back to a life that can made safe.

It is a rebirth, and like a new-born we do not know or understand the rules of the “real” world.

I remember not knowing how to shop, for punters brought so much.

I had no idea how to pay bills, how to look for somewhere safe to , look for work.

I had no idea how to be an adult, as I still carried my damaged child and teenager in me.

I was drowning, but I received no help, no support – I had to fight every inch of the way to get back some kind of real life.

This is not good enough.

We have to fight even as we carry millions of demons reminding how pimps and punters made us sub- human.

We have known torture, we have known serial rapes, we have known imprisonment, we have known too many disappearances and deaths.

But when we exit, we are meant to just get on with it and not make too many demands.

At the same time, if we choose to be open about our past – there is the constant demand that we tell our stories over and over and over – with no interest that it may send us back into hell every time you ask that.

Worse is the demand that we give evidence that you choose whether to believe or not.

This is done with no knowledge of how extreme trauma can lead to fragmented memory, or how we survive by blocking out.

Our words come out non-linear with many gaps and silences.

Our words are the words that you want to know.

So as we speak, our words are only heard for what you already think – not the depths of the truths we try to express.

My grief is making this very hard to write, coz so much of my soul wants to deaden what I feel and think.

I just know I want exiting to be taken seriously.

We need specialist long-term for exited people.

Not counselling for eight weeks, then everything is somehow fixed.

Not counselling that is just connected harm reduction, but keeping the prostituted trapped.

No, there should be training to how the prostituted react to extreme complex trauma, training in disassociation, and training in listening to the gaps and silences.

This need to be offered whenever the exited person ask for it. It can be several years till trauma becomes something that need to be tackled.

I cannot write much more, just leave you with this.

Know those of us who have exited the sex trade are strong, grateful to be alive, truth-tellers and have an evil sense of humour.

But we still live with extreme trauma, demons that follow us and confusion.

Do not take us for granted, if you really care fight for long-term specialist exiting programmes everywhere.

 

Humpty-Dumpty

I have watching “Three Girls” on BBC, and have highly triggered with emotions, memories and gut reaction to what it was to be a teenage prostituted girl.

It is a good drama, but for me very close to my reality that I have shut away in a locked box.

To see that vulnerability, that frustrated fury, that pain that is deadened, that lack of hope is too unbearable to allow back in me.

But to make that no girl is trapped in that hell, I will speak to my truths.

I speak not to change my past, not to “heal” myself.

No, that pain, grief and confusion cannot not be cured, but the majority of the time it can made smaller and controllable.

I write because girls from all backgrounds, all classes, all cultures can be made vulnerable enough to be internally trafficked.

The men who make the choice to buy and sell these girls are from all backgrounds, all classes and all classes.

If you only see it happening to working-class girls, then you are throwing away girls from other classes.

If you think only Muslim men pimp out white girls – then your racism is letting off the men from other beliefs or cultures who pimp and consume these girls who can from all ethnicities.

But in this post, I need to dig in my personal anger, pain and desire to close down to explain the reality of being internally trafficked

Firstly, it was a time full of blanks and refusal to remember the reality of what I was suffering.

To open up that time, I must say I cannot know the facts, just reach down into a sense of cold terror and a sickness without end.

This is the main reason I hardly ever write on a personal level about that time.

I am terrified of being told that I am liar, that it just fantasy.

Too often people try to trip me up by demanding proof and the facts.

But I cannot see the rooms, the punters, not even the pimps with a clear eyes.

There too many, there too much torturing, it was too endless for my mind to hold.

To truly hear a woman or girl who has been internally trafficked, listen beyond the few words she can say – hear of each punter and multiple into hundreds, hear of every pimps and see he never work in isolation.

Listen to a survivor as you would anyone who has been severely tortured.

This means expect huge gaps and silences, do speak to linear time but be led by how memory makes circles round pain and grief till it is becomes bearable to be framed in words.

I remember my past in bits and pieces, remember strong and appalling events that smashed down my blocking out.

I know my first night when I lost hope, and became automatic as men pay and sold me.

Like the vast majority of girls who are coerced into prostitution, my first night was extremely violent after along period of being made to believe I was loved and special.

This is painful to remember on so many levels.

It is painful to see how desperate I was for any form of love or community, that I fall in with older men who give drinks, money, drugs and what I though was a family.

It is painful how hard I made myself as I saw other girls who been used many times, and I thought they were cool.

It is painful to see me drunk, high or hyper and imaging I was in control or happy.

So, I was what is called a street-wise kid, in that view I choose prostitution as a lifestyle choice.

Fuck that – and how that make young girls into throwaways and sub-human.

That first night, I was gang-raped for six hours.

That was my introduction to the closed world of prostitution.

I was 14, and I did exit prostitution until I was 27.

That first night was an introduction to knowing I had no human rights.

That first night was an introduction to being made into sexual goods to be pass around to any man who make the choice to be a punter.

That first night give a lasting passion to end torture and to destroy the sex trade at its roots.

But that first night also made hope vanish, and hide till safe enough to be seen.

To be an teenage prostitute is to be used as sex doll that punters can rape, torture, mentally abuse and often kill with no coincidences.

The men who make the choice to pimp out girls know their is a huge market for them, it is a huge amounts of money that those pimps get.

Without punters making the choice to consume under-aged prostituted girls, this form of violence would never exist or be small enough to be controlled and shut down.

That is why I will fully back the Nordic Model, for it punters who are the cause of all the harms done to these girls.

I am glad “Three Girls ” was made, but don’t let it be just a flash in the pan – fight for real change.

 

Struck in the Middle

To understand what it is to be prostituted, and drop the language of sex worker – it is vital to write to the middle of that world.

For to be prostituted is to be trapped in another world, a world shut away from safety, a world shut away from loved ones, a world where hope is drown in pain and grief.

I enter this world when I was in my early teens, a child who thought she know she would could never be hurt any more.

Boy, I was so wrong – I like most under-aged prostituted girls had an hardened naivety.

I thought I understand rape – I had no idea.

I thought I knew pain – I had no idea.

I thought I not hate myself any more – I had no idea.

I learnt fast to somehow stay alive, to somehow keep a small slice of privacy to myself – I must kill my emotions, stop thinking of a future, and be nothing until I could something.

By the time, I hit my twenties, I was embedded in the world of being sex goods.

By my twenties, I had forgotten to hope, I had cut off most friends or family.

By my twenties, I had made myself into a sex robot, and all life outside the world of prostitution was surreal.

I was dead – but stubbornly keep breathing.

I have spent years refusing to know my twenties – refusing that time when all the light at the end of the tunnel, was nothing but a train on fire.

I keep alive with having negative dreams and ideas.

I was alive when I cut myself, alive as I was sick after overdosing, alive as the pain from punters filter pass my numbness.

I read philosophy that spoke to killing strangers for no reason or cause, I dreamt of the neutron bomb destroying all people and leaving architecture standing.

I had no power, no access to free choices, no right to safety – all I had was escape into death and destruction.

I could not name this as fury – I was not safe or secure enough to know anger.

Anger is a privilege that only comes when we are safe, when our anger can be expressed without torture, hate and mental abuse being throw at us.

Anger is liberation, but it is very unsafe for the prostituted.

I could not name it as grief or trauma – how could I know that when I heard only words of empowerment, that I had the power to manipulate punters, that it was my choice to be in this world.

Grief is unable to be when trapped into terror, and no idea if you will survive the next hour let alone get out of the twenties.

Grief comes when you have security, when you can see connections, when you have a past with a future.

Prostituted women only have the present, for all else is too painful to be with.

Trauma is in every cell of the prostituted.

Every time, a punter makes a choice to buy a prostitute, he is pouring trauma into her.

To be prostituted is more than living with being serially raped.

It is to be raped over and over and over and over and over until you forget that you have a body.

It is to be gang-raped but by one punter after another after another after another after another – until punters all become the same, with no face, no nationality, and no heart.

No punter buys a prostituted woman to just have ordinary sex, or think he is buying a human.

All punters are buying sexual goods, only seeing glimpses of life as his private sex-doll.

Punters are paying to own, to control, to pour as much pain as possible into her.

Punters are paying to be in a world of torture, hate and pain, where he is is the boss and there are no consequences.

This is not a world where prostituted women can stop rape, stop torture or even get the punter to wear a condom.

It not a world of mutual consent, not a world where no has any meaning.

It is a world where a whole class of mainly women have become the unrapable.

A world with no rape, just consumers maybe overstepping the mark, just a few bad apples.

To be prostituted in most cultures, is not allow to be human,

Think of basic rights, and apply them to the prostituted. I will look at UN human rights and think on it.

It starts with that all should be free and live in dignity.

Well, that means nothing to punters and sex trade profiteers who decide to make the prostituted into sub-human sexual goods.

Where is dignity as you are raped, as you are tortured, as you are mentally broken down?

Then there is the idea that there should be life, liberty and security for all humans.

Not for the prostituted, we must not be human enough to have those simple rights.

Oh, there the classic universal human to not be tortured, be in the line of degrading treatment or punishment.

Well, the sex trade profiteers just rebrand degradation and torture as kinky sex, S/M, extras etc, then there must no problem.

After all, if the torturing and degradation gets too much, well the prostituted are disposal and will be replaced.

There is the right to no arbitrary arrests.

But how can governments get taxes off the prostituted, if these arrests are not regular?

There is the human right to freedom of movement.

Well, the sex trade profiteers have a sick sense of humour about that one.

They move the prostituted all over the place, from one sadist form of prostitution to another sadist part of the sex trade.

No prostitute have full freedom or control on how and why she is moved.

There is the right to freedom of thought, opinion, expression.

That is stolen from the prostituted from the first punters to fuck her and the first exchange of goods or money for that act.

To be prostituted is stop all free thoughts, to have opinion force down your throat by sex trade profiteers and punters, and all expression raped out of you.

To think too freely when embedded in prostitution can be a ticket to death.

It is best to forget you have a mind or sense of being an individual.

There is the right to leisure, including paid holidays.

Prostituted women can only dream of that.

Punters don’t care if it is Christmas or Bank Holiday, their right to fuck is more important.

Heck, why would prostitutes need to have leisure, all they doing is being paid to do what most do for their leisure time?

That is some of human rights that are stolen from the prostituted – and we are meant to be calm about this.

I will end here, for I have two posts in one – I hope it makes sense.

More on the Lies of ECP

I have been reading the public writings of ECP, especially their so-called facts and myth-busting.

I will write to the most common views that ECP put across and say why they are untrue, and often very damaging to the prostituted class.

SEPARATION OF TRAFFICKING FROM PROSTITUION

ECP claim that trafficking is not connected to prostitution, and that to make that connection is endorse racist laws and policing.

They claim that trafficking is just the narrow description of being violently moved from country to country – this includes being in forced or bonded labour, abduction, kidnapping, false imprisonment, rape, GBH and extortion.

Note it excludes internal trafficking, the mental breaking down of the prostituted by mental abuse and constant threats, or breaking down by moving the prostituted woman or girl to many aspects of the sex trade.

Note that they also exclude child sexual exploitation as separate from being prostituted – even when there clear evidence that most of under-aged prostituted girls were in conditions of trafficking.

What else is it when a young teenage girl is persuaded or coerced by a “boyfriend” into having sex with strangers in exchange for money?

We must not have a narrow definition of trafficking – a definition that excludes the under-aged, exclude women and girls who are middle-class, exclude prostituted women who appear to be safe.

Most prostitution is the conditions of trafficking.

All the prostituted are stripped of the basic human rights to safety and the right to have access to full and free consent.

For to be prostituted, is to live under the constant threats and reality that punters will be violent at any time and in place – and no prostitute is given the right to a safe space whilst punters have the entitlement to view her as sub-human sexual goods.

In that environment, all the prostituted are in a reality of serial raping, reality of all forms of torturing, and  a reality of being made to disappear.

All that is the conditions of trafficking.

ECP ignores the violence of punters, so no wonder they have such a narrow definition of trafficking – no wonder they abandoned the prostituted to punters and their violence.

UNDER-AGED PROSTITUTION IS RARE

ECP claim that the majority of the prostituted enter when they are 19, and under-aged prostitution is rare.

This is not true and is a lie which is used to hide the hate and violence of punters,or at the minimum the fact that most punters consume the young not caring about her mental and physical welfare.

The dismissal of under-aged prostitution proves that ECP fights for the interests of sex trade profiteers and punters, and not the welfare of the prostituted.

Punters want the sex trade to provide them with fresh young prostituted girls, for it fits into their self-image as conquerors and virgin-breakers.

The sex trade is all about breaking down vulnerable girls to mould them into the Whore who has no rights left.

ECP make under-aged prostitution invisible coz they refuse to say that prostitution is a human rights issues.

Instead by saying it only adult women who can be prostituted – in their fantasy, these women would be in control of how punters behave, and would have freely chosen to be prostituted – it is just a simple labour issue.

Yet again ECP betrays the prostituted in order to protect punters and sex trade profiteeers.

TRAUMA IS A MYTH

ECP appears to believe that prostituted women and girls do not get trauma from being brought and sold as sexual goods.

Wow, it seems they refuse to the multiple voices and evidence of exited women.

It is know that to be raped once is usually traumatic – so to be living with years of being serially raped somehow has no effect.

It is known living with a partner who batter you is traumatic – but living in an environment where punters have free rein to torture and bring you constantly to near-death, that is not traumatic.

That is the logic of ECP.

ECP refuse to speak to dissociation that  is the normal reaction of the prostituted to living inside rape after rape after rape after rape.

Most punters do not not just rape, they sexually torture the prostituted.

To survive, it is vital to close down, to be a robot and to be the living dead.

To get through prostitution with some sanity, dissociation is a vital tool, but if  the prostitute is lucky enough to exit the unfreezing of that dissociation leads to extreme complex trauma.

Most exited women take months if not years to get back true emotions, get back the route back to being a full human – it only then that the impact of surviving torture hits them.

That is when trauma hits us hard.

Prostitution as an institution is creating this trauma – for its purpose is make the prostituted so sub-human that all sexual/mental/physical can be done to them with no consequences.

For ECP to ignore trauma is sick and yet again a deep betrayal of the prostituted.

PUNTERS ARE NOT VIOLENT

That would appear the purpose of ECP to make all suggestion that punters are violent and that punters should centred when discussing the harms done to the prostituted.

ECP will speak to any and everything but any chat that punters choose to rape, choose to make the prostituted sub-humans, choose to torture, choose to mentally abuse – and choose to throw away the prostituted.

ECP speaks to the violence of the police, speaks to the violence of laws that may criminalise the consumers of the prostitued, speak to how stigma may increase violence to the prostituted.

But they say nothing of how punters pay to rape, pay to torture, and pay to make the prostituted into his living porn-doll.

Instead ECP speak as if punters can be respectful to the prostituted, and would report any violence if he was not made a criminal.

Well to think you entitled to buy another human for your sexual greed – well, that means you are a criminal.

You are a rapist, for money is not consent.

All punters can choose never to consume the prostituted again.

Why do we make excuses for punters – when we say it is wrong to rape, wrong to batter, wrong to mentally abuse, wrong to murder – but it somehow ok when it is framed prostitution.

POVERTY IS THE ONLY CAUSE OF PROSTITUTION

ECP appears to framed the only bad push into prostitution is poverty, and seemed to think it just under the Tories that this negative push can be discuss.

This dismisses so many of the prostituted who may of entered the sex trade for multiple and varied vulnerabilities and pushes.

This dismisses that sex trade thrives no matter what the economic conditions, or the political system there is.

The sex trade adapts to all conditions, for it purpose is to make huge profits by providing markets for all men who choose to be punters or consumers of the sex trade.

To provide that markets, sex trade profiteers look for vulnerable girls from all backgrounds, all cultures, all classes – the sex trade can break any female who has previous vulnerabilities to become sub-human sexual goods.

The pushes into the sex trade can be previous mental/physical/sexual abuse, lack of access having trust and love from others, racism, poverty, natural/man-made disasters including wars, famine or recession, and endless other pushes.

Sex trade profiteers will make a market for any porn fantasy that punters have, so when you think you can define who will be prostituted, think of the opposite and both will exist.

 

I will stop here, hope this is helpful.

 

 

 

ECP Don’t Do Debates

This post is about how ECP do not debate when speaking to the Nordic Model,  but manipulate and spread propaganda.

I will focus mainly how they use these so-call debates to mentally abuse and undermine exited women – especially when we dare be on the same panel as them.

I write this as a warning, as clues to how to deal with their lies, propaganda and nonsense.

I write this to say we should carefully about debating with a group who is allowing the genocide of the prostituted to be invisible, especially when they so few and completely misrepresent what it is to be prostituted.

I will to their repeated arguments and point of view – warning I find it very not to be cynical, or turn to dark humour for most of what they speak to is such an upside-down image of prostitution.

I will try to tone down my fury, my sense of sickness, and my wanting to laugh from a place of deep pain and grief at their points.

But my exited Self reacts with shock, anger and despair that ECP are even seen as legitimate enough to all over the media, at most Leftist discussion about prostitution and the representatives of the prostituted.

It is like the National Union of Miners was run by Margaret Thatcher – for ECP is the voice of punters and sex trade profiteers – is the voice that constantly betrayed the prostituted and ignores all male violence done to prostituted.

ECP constantly say the only push into prostitution that matters is poverty.

They use this to paint a picture that it just the fault of current government and current recession.

They refuse to discuss internal trafficking, any form of trafficking not connected to poverty, previous sexual/mental/physical abuse, peer pressure, or anything outside a narrow economic push into the sex trade.

They do not seem to think that internal trafficking can be connected to prostitution, instead they say it child sexual exploitation and not never should call prostitution.

Even when the girls are recruited into prostitution, paid for sex by many strangers. Even when they are clearly being pimped out – ECP refuse to have it called prostitution.

ECP may included an extremely narrow definition of trafficking as prostitution.

Usually this from a poor country to a rich country, and it done with extreme mental, sexual and physical violence to control the women.

This image of trafficking is so narrow, and excludes the vast of women and girls trafficked into the sex trade.

But, ECP do not speak to even narrow version of trafficking from a place of compassion or empathy, but just as a tool to attack any changes in the status quo of the sex trade.

ECP claim that trafficking is rare, and is used as an excuse to force immigrants out and is racist thinking.

Remember ECP love to guilt-trip the audience, so this argument often works, without facts to back it up.

No Lefist, no liberal wants to label as racist, so even a hint that they might makes the audience stop listening with a clear critical ear.

Who needs facts or evidence, when you can guilt-trip?

Another classic of ECP is to totally ignore any suggestion that cause and root of the harms done to the prostituted is male violence, especially punter violence.

ECP make out that male violence is rare, and if prostituted women were more in control, they would spot the bad punters and could refuse them.

Wow, what a fantasy, or more likely the genuine voice of punters and sex trade profiteers.

Punters want it to believed that they are respectful to the prostituted, and would never abuse her.

Punters lie like they breathe.

Most punters know they are paying to be violent as they want with no consequences.

Punters know they are rapists, know they ignore that the prostituted cannot give full consent – they just don’t care.

ECP say punters would report trafficking, report under-aged prostitution, report violence if they were not in fear of being seen as criminals.

Ha! That is a sick fantasy.

Punters don’t care if the prostituted are covered with injuries, if the prostituted are clearly disassociated, if the prostituted have many track lines from drug addiction, have a pimp controlling her, is obviously under- age.

No most punters are thrilled at fucking a prostituted who is clearly damage, without access to safety, with lack of knowledge of the local language, or young so he pretend he can break her.

Punters want to feel that power, want to break down the prostituted, want to do the prostituted what he would do to “real” women – for all punters make the prostituted sub-human and into his porn-doll.

That is what ECP refuse to be seen and known.

Personally, I hate ECP and everything it stand for.

It takes a lot of experience of their mental abuse, their spreading of sex trade propaganda and their making exited women into sub-humans – for me to reach this place of hate.

ECP are not innocent as they allow this destruction of the prostituted, they are a major part of the problem.

As long as ECP speaks the words of punters and sex profiteers, they are allowing the genocide of the prostituted to continue.

That is unforgivable.

Left Unity Talk

Thanks for inviting me to speak to you. I am speaking as an exited woman who fight for abolition.

I only did indoors prostitution – such as inside clubs, escorting and girlfriend experience. All this is portrayed by the sex work as safe – or at least safe enough to be in the public gaze.

I was prostituted between the ages of 14 to 27. I speak to my truths, and my many connections on international level with exited women.

To understand what it is to be prostituted, we must look at the concept of choice with a clear eye. The sex work lobby want only speak to prostituted women when speaking to choice.

They purposely make invisible the choice of punters and sex trade profiteers, and therefore make all male violence to the prostituted invisible.

The prostituted are stripped of all access to free and full choice.

The average age that a female enters the sex trade – usually after or during sexual, mental and or physical abuse.

Many women who enter the sex trade do so out poverty or lack of access to education or employment.

Most women inside prostitution have multiple vulnerabilities and pushes into the sex trade – none of which can be framed as free choices.

On the other hand, punters can and do freely choose whether or not to buy another human for his sexual greed and entitlement. Punters have the free choice to be as violence as his porn dreams make him.

For in the punter’s mind, he is not buying a full human being with rights to safety and dignity – he is buying sexual goods to own, to control and to throw away.

Punters are paying to rape, punters are paying to torture, and punters can pay to make the prostituted disappear.

This is why no aspect of prostitution can made safe, and why exited fight so passionately for abolition not harm reduction, not decriminalisation or other ways of keeping the status quo for sex trade profiteers.

All punters have the knowledge that they owned and controlled the prostituted, and in that environment he can as violence as he wishes with no consequence.

The sex trade as an institution is highly skilled at making all damages done to the prostituted vanish.

It is the norm in the sex trade, for the prostituted women and girls to just disappear. Many are murdered, and their bodies thrown away.

Many are forced into other aspects of the sex trade, often porn – usually more threatening and violent as a punishment or a way to break her down.

I, and all the exited women I know, live inside extreme violence. We are know of prostituted women and girls or were made to disappear. Every time we speak out, we hold these Sisters in our hearts, as we promise them to stop other females going through that hell.

This is an invisible genocide. It is made invisible for as many prostituted women and girls disappear, they are replace with yet more vulnerable females.

This is a human rights emergency, not a labour issue.

What saddened many exited women, is how too many of the Left have fallen for the propaganda of the sex work lobby.

Prostitution is capitalism in its rawest form. The purpose of prostitution is to make a huge profit by making mainly women and girls into sub-human sexual goods.

These goods are sold to punters who have the entitlement to own, control and damage them as much as they can afford. There no interest in the physical and mental welfare of the prostituted.

How can say you against capitalism and back the sex work lobby?

That is a deep betrayal of the prostituted.

Exited women see the Nordic Model as the first step to getting full human rights and dignity for all the prostituted.

We must hold punters and sex trade profiteers accountable for the destruction of the prostituted..

We must decriminalise the prostituted, whilst setting up long-term holistic exiting programmes for the prostituted who want to leave.

It would be good if we fined punters at least 10% of their wages or benefits. If he can afford to pay for sex, he can afford that fine. Punters who repeated offenders or use extreme violence should be imprisoned, as should all sex trade profiteers.

It would be good if the fines were used to fund all exiting programmes, and used for reparations for all the mental and physical damages done to the prostituted.

All exiting programmes should informed and hopefully run by exited women.

They should provide more than just economic help and advice, more than harm reduction advice, more than just access to safe housing, jobs or access to education. All these are vital, but without long specialist therapy for complex trauma, we are just patching the prostituted not giving them back their full humanity.

We must fight to build a society and culture that cannot imagine why we thought prostitution was ever a good idea.

Listen to exited women, and think more radically.

 

Friday on my Mind

I have been away from this blog coz my trauma has been extremely bad.

My mind and body is dragging out years of torture, years of isolation, years of punters thinking I was nothing.

I am still sick and pretty exhausted in mind, body and spirit. But I want to get back on the bike.

Today is Good Friday, though I am a strong atheist, this day has many connections to me.

I have respect for a belief that can face suffering, grief, confusion and lack of justice in the eye.

That is all in the tradition of Good Friday.

To face those aspects of humans, and what human are capable of doing, what humans are able to survive and build a route to hope and full justice.

I see no god or goddesses in this view, only human corrupting routes to freedom and joy, and other humans fighting for liberation from violence and hate.

So Good Friday is deeply meaningful to my prostituted Self.

The Self that was abandoned.

The Self that thought torture was endless.

The Self that was made into a porn doll.

The Self that scream – Why have been forsaken, god, why do you abandon me.

Also Friday is meaningful to me, for it was the night when I a teenage prostitute that I was my busiest.

Friday nights for too much of my live were times I closed my consciousness.

Those were the nights that punters, ten, twenty or thirty years older would screw me to near death.

Those were the nights that punters would lined up to fuck away my memory, my ability to know pain, my right to know the first time, my route back to being allowed to be young.

Those were the nights gang-rapes became my norm.

Those were the nights I became pregnant with no right to grieve the abortion or to think of any future as a mother.

On this Good Friday, I see my teenage Self laying in blood, sperm and sweat – I see he and hold into my future, saying I will never forsake you.

Then there were the Fridays of my twenties, the Fridays leading to weekends of imprisonment with punters wanting Girlfriend Experience or wanting an escort that they refuse to name as a prostitute.

Those Fridays were my education that Hell is man-made, and nothing to do with religion or the supernatural.

In my twenties, I was taught inside my the multiple ways punters can torture the prostituted.

This I blocked out, this I refuse to allow to be true.

This now returns in my sickness, returns in my sleep pattern, returns in my refusal to know I have a body or a sexuality.

Now, finally I see and feel the edges of what that torture meant to me.

To understand what it is to survive years of sexual, physical and mental torture – you must know it destroys parts of the brain especially the memory and access to emotions.

I find it hard to emote my past, I have a slice of ice in my heart when I see, when I write or when I speak to that past.

But the worse aftermath of years of torture is that I have fragmented memory.

I have most of the years between 6 to 27 that I cannot see except in bits and pieces.

This makes me doubt myself, makes me feel everything I reach into some of my truths it just slips away.

Now, I slowly learnt to trust my body, even as my mind refuses to know – my memories are in my sickness, my memories are in my refusal to know my own body, my memories are in the pain that shadow me.

Now, I see and speak the moments that crash though showing that it was prostitution, that it was torture.

I see a punter who refuse to allow me any sleep even as he keep me in his flat for a week.

I did sleep when he was out or not looking, but if he caught me not making the centre of the world, he anally raped me back.

I see a so-called male friend finding out that I was a whore, and raping me for six hours.

Hell, calling it rape is kind. He tortured me.

He destroyed all holes in my body, even my ears. He spread sperm all over my skin.

He nearly killed me, well I stopped breathing enough for him to to give me the kiss of life only to carry on torturing me.

I see endless punters fucking me in pub toilets, in graveyards, in subways, and behind  bins.

I see hotel rooms, flats and rooms above clubs where punters have time and space to torture me as much their porn brains can.

I see cameras filming my moments of Hell.

On this Good Friday, I hold my adult prostituted Self and tell over and over – I love you and will never forsake you.

This my message for Good Friday.