How do I explain what it is and was to be prostituted?
How do I explain, express and try to show what it is to be made nothing?
I have tried with my words on this blog, on Facebook, in speeches and informal discussions to speak to the centre of that black hole. Only to feel my words always just skim the surface.
How is it possible to speak to nothing?
Nothing will come from nothing is the saying that runs riot in my head – leading to a place where despair appears relaxing.
I need to see the ways I was made nothing.
I need to know that being nothing had some meaning.
I need to hold nothing that was my existence and learn to forgive enough to grieve
Then maybe something can be made of nothing.
I feel and deeply believe that push towards full abolition for all the prostituted, we must explore the emotional losses and psychological damage that is the legacy of being prostituted.
We need to think outside of facts, look in grief, stare at confusion and hold hands with terror.
We must learn to be at home with messy emotions, and to learn that some trauma cannot not be repaired only be a shadow.
I feel the abolition movement pushes away the multiple voices of survivors of the sex trade, coz they appeared too messy, too stringent, too full of pain/anger.
But the more you silenced our voices, the more we will appeared to be awkward, too demanding and like a constant scream that follows you around.
We are the ghosts at your celebration, we are the shadow that whispers there is so much more that must be done, we are the black cloud that causes you headaches.
For the constant dismissal of the multiple voices of survivors of the sex trade – except a tiny few who fit your preconceived image of what an exited woman is – is the larger barrier to having full freedom of the prostituted class.
I believed the refusal to listen and hear with any depth our voices comes from a refusal to know and hear negative emotions, or hears ours truths may not easy solutions or fit inside a neat feminist/Leftist box.
To refuse to hear and know the emotions of what it is and was to be prostituted, is to keep us as sub-human, maybe at the best as pets you only bring out on special occasions.
You are keeping us sub-human, as you only allow survivors to speak out under your agenda.
If we dare speak beyond a feminist or leftist agenda, we are put back into a box, and the lid is shut until it felt our language has become your language.
But our truths, our experiences and our pain is more than political debate, more than an example you can learn from, more than another horror story you can tick off.
We remembered the centre of what it is and was to be tortured, we remembered what patriarchy feels likes as it poisons every cell in our bodies.
We speak to emotions that had to be murdered in order that our bodies somehow survive whilst numb to all reality.
We know what evil is as we know how sex trade profiteers operate, and remember in our bodies that punters never accidentally destroy us.
Would you be able to truly hear, hear enough to quiet enough to learn, how we got through that hell – or would prefer we stay safe with “facts” and statistics?
Well, I for one want to go deeper than facts, I want to explore the heart of darkness that made me into nothing.
I want and need to know that part of my life for it made me for good or bad.
I live with trauma, I live with body memories, I live with fragmented memory – all this was forced into me by prostitution. So I want and need to know who I was then to maybe understand who I am now.
I do this for me – but more I hope I can make connections with others who have survived the sex trade, and have huge gaps of loss and memory.
Those survivors are my family, my purpose and my touchstone.
I want to be clear that all forms of prostitution should be classed as torture, that all forms of prostitution is the destruction of human rights and the human soul.
There can never be any reason or excuse for the existence of prostitution – all so-called reasons are just selfish, self-justifying and comes from the idea that all the prostituted are too sub-human to have access to human rights.
So each time you hear, you read or even if you think there is some kind of prostitution that can be made ok – then know you not silencing survivors of the sex trade. but forcing a dagger into our hearts
All forms of prostitution are made to look good by the sex trade – all forms of media will be used to spread the propaganda that we must never look too closely at the conditions that make prostitution.
We must look hard enough to see the dead eyes of the prostituted, we must pretend not to know it is impossible to equate exchange of money/gifts with full consent, we must turn away from ideas like rape industry or paid rape.
We need to refuse to know that if it done to us it would be painful, humiliating, a crime or even an outrage – for we must believed it fine to rape, abuse and tortured the prostituted for they are nothing.
Well, I for one, refuse to allow the easy road of turning away from the terror, pain and confusion that is in all the prostituted.
I for one, need you to see and know that we must know that hell for it man-made and done for pleasure and control.
To be made nothing – nothing but holes for punters to use as living porn-doll.
To be made nothing – nothing than a stereotype of whatever woman/girl/man/boy that the punter wants to use as a fuck-toy.
To be made nothing – nothing can feel no pain or grief as torture becomes the norm.
To be made nothing – nothing as sex trade profiteers pass you round all aspects of the sex trade, move you from street to street, city to city, country to country.
To be made nothing – nothing as lined up like meat for punters to pick.
To be made nothing – nothing as it becomes normal for the prostituted to be thrown away, or just disappear.
This is all planned and organised – but the trick of the sex trade is to make you believe any act of violence done to the prostituted is random, and can be dealt with.
I hope this post makes sense – please write to me what you think.